A True Friend...

sent to me by my bestest girlfriend...

"May the crabs of a thousand whores infest the crotch of the people who fucked up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch it."


She so gets me.

Why Old(er) Women do not wear Thongs...

Ok, just for the benefit of a little naughty pleasure, I purchased a couple pairs of thongs. Yes, I know they've been around for a long time, but I really wasn't interested before this point. The thought of sexy underwear making me feel like a hottie woman again was enticing. I was with my daughters at the time, and actually the most fun was watching the bewildered looks and embarrassed shuffling in the store so as not to be mistaken as being part of my family. Of course, I had to hold them up, wave them around, and say, "What about these? They have sparkly stuff on them! *giggle*"

Anyhow, buying them and wearing them are two totally different worlds. I was brave one day, and thought, hell, I'll wear a pair to work, just to see if they are as comfortable as everyone (under the age of 22) says. I mean, if the new receptionist can wear them and lean over and have them show four inches above her pants line, surely I can wear them under jeans that have a lot more coverage. That, and I hadn't done laundry, and they were clean. Truth told, that's the only reason.

So, I found some issues with said thongs that I thought should be brought to light for anyone thinking of attempting these for the first time. Seriously, girls, it's all about awareness and safety. I'm here for ya. *hit the rock*

Logistics
Not only are we left wondering, as we look at these things, where they go, but more precisely HOW we are to put these things on without:

a) falling over and maiming ourselves because we knock ourselves silly from not being able to react as one of our feet is bound up behind our back

b) causing serious damage to tender parts of our anatomy because we so cannot judge the actual "size" before purchase, therefore causing us to attempt to wrap a small rubber band around a basketball.

Shock Value

Have you ever seen those swimsuit model types in a pair of thongs? Ok. Just so you know, this is NOT the image that is portrayed as you turn around to look in the mirror. Rather, what is shown are great lumps of ass split in half by something the size of a headband, with a strip of material running horizontally across the top, causing said lumps of ass to appear CLOSER to the waist, making one look shorter, and one's ass look larger. The horror; the horror!

Accessories
Not being prepared for thongs can be especially damaging to both one's self-image, and one's physical attributes.

Case in point, panty liners. Yes, I know they make them for thongs, but having just picked some up on a whim, had only regular panty liners.

This does not work.

Obviously, they are shaped differently. This causes stickage problems.

Visual:

Tail end of liner sticks to actual outerwear. Not an issue until one tries to remove them for little things like, oh, say, PISSING. At this point, the tail end stays adhered to the outerwear, causing the top end to tug down, dislodge, and possibly even flip over, thereby adhering itself to the natural covering of said private area. Yes, pubes. And it fucking hurts. And if you have not pissed yourself by the time you have removed the liner from yourself, the pain from the hairs that have been ripped from your body is none compared to the lower regions which may come in contact with the urine. Did I say open, gaping wounds in the lower regions which may come in contact with the urine?

And yet, people get brazilian waxes all the time. Why? But, I digress...

Scrapage

Thongs move. And rub. And chafe. In an area that is fairly tender to begin with. Seriously. Take a piece of material, doesn't matter how soft, and rub it back and forth in the crack of your ass. It WILL cause rug burn because you are NOT supposed to have material that close to the inside of your ass. And as you move and bend and lean over, it tugs and not only do you get rug burn in your ass line, you nearly sever yourself in two at your vagina because if they were too stretchy, they would fall off. Have you ever worn them, leaned forward in your chair at work to speak with someone, and try to not scare them with the contortions on your face at the sudden, searing pain in your ASS? How do you even come up with ANY explanation that is believable? "Oh, I pulled a muscle. IN MY ASS CRACK."

Nutbush City Limits

It doesn't matter what size you are, thongs are not going to cover, well, pretty much ANYTHING. Without giving too much detail, I try to maintain in this area. Keep it trim, under control. mmm-kay, it doesn't matter. Unless you are bald as a cue ball, you will strain the limits of the fabric, poke out on all sides and be "unkempt". Not a problem, you say? No one can see it, right? True. However, because you are not "contained," you may have issues with stickage (see "Accessories" section above) AND wrappage. You know what wrappage is. It's the continual friction between outwear, underwear, and pubic hair, causing said hair to become wrapped around itself, or the clothing, and tug, causing minor twinges of discomfort at inopportune times - such as when the cute copy repair guy comes in to ask a question, or the hottie little yard guy needs help with tags. Or, in extreme cases of moving wrong, ripping removal of said pubes at precisely the moment there is a lull in conversation, or you are directly in front of the senior-most member of management, who has just asked you a question on which the balance of your career rests. Either way, the ONLY way to disengage the wayward hairs is to shove your hands down your pants, and extricate the hairs from the fabric, readjust thong, and start over. Repeat approximately every 20 minutes. A real conversation starter, but not recommended in the vicinity of, oh, anyone.

And if you ARE bald as a cue ball, and have had any children, the baby pooch WILL strain the limits, resembling tapioca pudding being shit around a sparkly diaper. It's a sight you can only truly appreciate by seeing it in full daylight in your mirror. But don't worry; there's still therapy.

Seepage
Ok, as we age, our "luv" muscles don't work as well as they once did. Ever sneezed suddenly? Laughed uncontrollably? Had to "poot?" Any of the above causes liquid seepage from one side or the other. Either way, there is not enough material to contain any of it. You might consider this as a swaying factor in whether or not you will wear them. Seriously, if there's nothing to catch it, where does it go? Right. It starts soaking through your clothes. Women over the age of 25, or anyone who have had 2 or more children, beware.

Ladies, I believe in education and information. Consider this not so much a warning as a public service announcement. It's all about you. So, will I ever wear them again? Sure. After losing 80 pounds, a tummy tuck, and Hell freezes over. Then again, the Eagles DID get back together...

weekend plans...

right before closing time tonight, one of the little hottie yard fellas (who at this point, i have socks older than, but 20 years younger would be all over) is chit chattin' with me. he's helped me move, hook up my washer, and liberate my quesadilla from my oven. i've known him a couple years - he's almost done with college and will be heading back home in a couple weeks. nice kid.

lhyf: you workin' all weekend again?
me: actually, i have tonight and tomorrow off.
lhyf: cool. what are you doing?
me: hopefully someone tall and rich.

buahahahahaha

thankfully he is old enough to appreciate my sense of humor... ;) the hr guy in the next room, however, just shakes his head at me.

have a great weekend ya'll... don't forget why we're celebrating. hug a vet, thank a soldier, and put your damn hand over your heart when the flag passes by this weekend. oh, and you better not even THINK about keeping that hat on.

- Happy Memorial Day
*hugs*

miss b

I'm so in the wrong profession...

Pay up, mofo's... i'll give up all four jobs

moms say the darndest things...

I love being the parent of adult kids. I can now get away with saying things that totally blow their mind, acting all innocent and amusing myself.

case in point...

Me and the girls got together last night for dinner. We're chatting away and catching up with each other. Junior is being stalked by Little Yard Guy (mental note - kick his ass for telling her boss she is a stupid slut) and seeing someone new and having a "grown-up" relationship. Pickle broke up with her little friend (awww) and is now seeing someone who has been in love with her since the 5th grade. *sigh*

Anyhow, they ask me if I've been seeing anyone. I tell them I've gone out a few times with a fella.

and let the inquisition begin...

junior: who is he? where's he from?
me: just a guy.
pickle: would we approve of him? is he nice to you? does he treat you with respect?

me *deadpan*: well, yea, when he's not yankin' my hair or spankin' my ass.

buahahahahahahaha

junior/pickle: omg mom! we don't need to know that. that's so wrong.

junior: so are you having sex with him? 'coz you know it's ok if you have sex.

me: omg - ewwww. what?!!!

junior: so you are.

me: OMG what???!!!

sometimes it's soooo easy.

It's so good...

Smooth, heavy, firm in my hands, I glide my fingertips over the taut surface. Every inch is perfection.

I move closer, breathing in the scent, inhaling deep, intoxicating to the mind.

I nuzzle it against my cheek; heady in knowledge of what lies within. I pull it close to my chest, wrapping my hands around and holding it reverently.

~~~~~~~~

Woo hoo! I got my Special Studies Math book for my next term in the mail today!!! *swoons*

What?! It's my favorite subject in the world! What were YOU thinking???

pssht... and you say I'm warped...

jeez

*wink*
Miss B

Cowboy in a Bar...

Sent to me by one of my Heroes... thanks db... :)

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But what the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies'." The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!" A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call yours?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

Why I love driving...

The hum of the motor; the click of the shifter as it falls into gear.

Windin' up the low side, flippin' my lever and doin' it again on the high side.
Shift, slide, pull, click.

The feel of the wheel in my hand as I execute a perfect turn.

The singing tires; the sway of the truck as I change lanes. The feel of 80,000 pounds runnin' 80 mph.

Jammin' into gear on the downshift; hearing the jakes scream badass through straight stacks.

The feeling in my chest when I back it in in one shot... after someone else takes 10 minutes and three pull-ups to do so.

Climbing on top of the tank to pull the levers and flip the lids.

The chuckle I get from the look on people's faces when I drive by... not the men... lol... the high-maintenance little girls whose mouths drop open and they stand up straight ...

Night driving - the breeze in my hair, the lights from the dash, and the white noise from the cb.

Flashing the mark lights as I pass another truck --...

The feel of the shifter in my hand, resting my palm on top, caressing the hi-lo lever's underside with my ring finger, running my thumb in little circles over the button, lazily running my hand up and down the stick then back up on top of the knob...

still with me fellas?
guys?

*sigh*
*giggle*
miss b

~*~Roooowwwrr~*~

Your Reputation Is: Maneater

You're the kind of girl all the chicks hate... And guys are both scared of you yet strangely drawn in.

Do You Have A Bad Girl Reputation?

I am the Queen of Sensitivity...

I remember one particularly fun romp (first time with this fellow) and me wanting to be sure I would achieve MY end, was on top. Things are going along fabulously, and there's quite a bit of bantering and laughing... it's a good time. I believe it started over a bet on a pool game, that I won. heh.

So we finish, to my satisfaction ;) and we're still hooked, just kind of enjoying the moment. We're still bantering, and he says something funny; I start giggling. Of course, this contracts those little "luv muscles" and he goes ballistic (apparently after getting off he's VERY sensitive all over and my laughing with him in me made it much more so.)

In between gasps he tells me, he forgot to tell me about this, and it's normal. He didn't want to freak me out. So of course, in true sensitive style, I start laughing even harder... he's thrashing around like a fish out of water. I really am trying to contain myself, but those of you that know me know that once I get the giggles, I'm done.

I'm in hysterics; he pretty much had to pick me up and throw me off to keep from blacking out...

*giggle*
wicked

Fresh Batteries

Like a brand new lover...

*wink*

heh.

Speaking of a Pickle in a Package...

I am beginning to think I will never get laid again...

just a random thought... *sigh*

;)

Heh. This one's for you, Jersey...

This is true... ;) Drinks, anyone?

*hugs*
Miss B

'Do me....

Ok folks... just for a moment, I'll take off my Marilyn persona... 'coz I want opinions...

Better, Worse, or About the Same? tell the truth...


Old 'Do...













New 'Do

And just for giggles... my "Driver 'Do"... this was me from out in the fast lane a couple weeks ago...

*hugs*

Miss B

Miss B Rates 'Em...

Well, as Miss B is in a particularly foul yet naughty mood, she's going to share with you the men in her life... top shelf to bottom drawer.

D-2 : by far the largest man I've ever had the pleasure of. And I DO mean pleasure... ;)

Capt Crazy : second biggest, yet sooo much fun... with food, with furniture...

Rooster : The cock crowed loudly...

Pee Wee : Need I say more? But not lost in the art, by any means

JC : You had enough there, you just didn't know what the hell to do with it...

Pretty boy: You give needledick a whole new meaning. You asked me if it was good... Is it over? Did you start? If you have to ask, it wasn't.

A Little Steamy Love...

This may be a bit racy for the younger set... ;)

http://d21c.com/terri1/caroline.swf