28 May 2008

Why Old(er) Women do not wear Thongs...

Ok, just for the benefit of a little naughty pleasure, I purchased a couple pairs of thongs. Yes, I know they've been around for a long time, but I really wasn't interested before this point. The thought of sexy underwear making me feel like a hottie woman again was enticing. I was with my daughters at the time, and actually the most fun was watching the bewildered looks and embarrassed shuffling in the store so as not to be mistaken as being part of my family. Of course, I had to hold them up, wave them around, and say, "What about these? They have sparkly stuff on them! *giggle*"

Anyhow, buying them and wearing them are two totally different worlds. I was brave one day, and thought, hell, I'll wear a pair to work, just to see if they are as comfortable as everyone (under the age of 22) says. I mean, if the new receptionist can wear them and lean over and have them show four inches above her pants line, surely I can wear them under jeans that have a lot more coverage. That, and I hadn't done laundry, and they were clean. Truth told, that's the only reason.

So, I found some issues with said thongs that I thought should be brought to light for anyone thinking of attempting these for the first time. Seriously, girls, it's all about awareness and safety. I'm here for ya. *hit the rock*

Not only are we left wondering, as we look at these things, where they go, but more precisely HOW we are to put these things on without:

a) falling over and maiming ourselves because we knock ourselves silly from not being able to react as one of our feet is bound up behind our back

b) causing serious damage to tender parts of our anatomy because we so cannot judge the actual "size" before purchase, therefore causing us to attempt to wrap a small rubber band around a basketball.

Shock Value
Have you ever seen those swimsuit model types in a pair of thongs? Ok. Just so you know, this is NOT the image that is portrayed as you turn around to look in the mirror. Rather, what is shown are great lumps of ass split in half by something the size of a headband, with a strip of material running horizontally across the top, causing said lumps of ass to appear CLOSER to the waist, making one look shorter, and one's ass look larger. The horror; the horror!

Not being prepared for thongs can be especially damaging to both one's self-image, and one's physical attributes.

Case in point, panty liners. Yes, I know they make them for thongs, but having just picked some up on a whim, had only regular panty liners.

This does not work.

Obviously, they are shaped differently. This causes stickage problems.


Tail end of liner sticks to actual outerwear. Not an issue until one tries to remove them for little things like, oh, say, PISSING. At this point, the tail end stays adhered to the outerwear, causing the top end to tug down, dislodge, and possibly even flip over, thereby adhering itself to the natural covering of said private area. Yes, pubes. And it fucking hurts. And if you have not pissed yourself by the time you have removed the liner from yourself, the pain from the hairs that have been ripped from your body is none compared to the lower regions which may come in contact with the urine. Did I say open, gaping wounds in the lower regions which may come in contact with the urine?

And yet, people get brazilian waxes all the time. Why? But, I digress...


Thongs move. And rub. And chafe. In an area that is fairly tender to begin with. Seriously. Take a piece of material, doesn't matter how soft, and rub it back and forth in the crack of your ass. It WILL cause rug burn because you are NOT supposed to have material that close to the inside of your ass. And as you move and bend and lean over, it tugs and not only do you get rug burn in your ass line, you nearly sever yourself in two at your vagina because if they were too stretchy, they would fall off. Have you ever worn them, leaned forward in your chair at work to speak with someone, and try to not scare them with the contortions on your face at the sudden, searing pain in your ASS? How do you even come up with ANY explanation that is believable? "Oh, I pulled a muscle. IN MY ASS CRACK."

Nutbush City Limits

It doesn't matter what size you are, thongs are not going to cover, well, pretty much ANYTHING. Without giving too much detail, I try to maintain in this area. Keep it trim, under control. mmm-kay, it doesn't matter. Unless you are bald as a cue ball, you will strain the limits of the fabric, poke out on all sides and be "unkempt". Not a problem, you say? No one can see it, right? True. However, because you are not "contained," you may have issues with stickage (see "Accessories" section above) AND wrappage. You know what wrappage is. It's the continual friction between outwear, underwear, and pubic hair, causing said hair to become wrapped around itself, or the clothing, and tug, causing minor twinges of discomfort at inopportune times - such as when the cute copy repair guy comes in to ask a question, or the hottie little yard guy needs help with tags. Or, in extreme cases of moving wrong, ripping removal of said pubes at precisely the moment there is a lull in conversation, or you are directly in front of the senior-most member of management, who has just asked you a question on which the balance of your career rests. Either way, the ONLY way to disengage the wayward hairs is to shove your hands down your pants, and extricate the hairs from the fabric, readjust thong, and start over. Repeat approximately every 20 minutes. A real conversation starter, but not recommended in the vicinity of, oh, anyone.

And if you ARE bald as a cue ball, and have had any children, the baby pooch WILL strain the limits, resembling tapioca pudding being shit around a sparkly diaper. It's a sight you can only truly appreciate by seeing it in full daylight in your mirror. But don't worry; there's still therapy.

Ok, as we age, our "luv" muscles don't work as well as they once did. Ever sneezed suddenly? Laughed uncontrollably? Had to "poot?" Any of the above causes liquid seepage from one side or the other. Either way, there is not enough material to contain any of it. You might consider this as a swaying factor in whether or not you will wear them. Seriously, if there's nothing to catch it, where does it go? Right. It starts soaking through your clothes. Women over the age of 25, or anyone who have had 2 or more children, beware.

Ladies, I believe in education and information. Consider this not so much a warning as a public service announcement. It's all about you. So, will I ever wear them again? Sure. After losing 80 pounds, a tummy tuck, and Hell freezes over. Then again, the Eagles DID get back together...


Wien. said...

well missy B, first of all, thanks for the huge smile I'm wearing right now. Great post.
I have to give you credit for taking the plunge. You're a brave soul.
I have to admit, I'm a thonger (if I wear any at all) I know you've sworn off them for the time being, but just like your toes had to adjust when you first slapped a pair of thongs on your feet, so too will your butt cheeks.
Now for the other plumage, bald can be beautiful, and a lot less bothersome. All that "fluffa-muffa" gets in the way.
(We are tettering on the edge of TMI here)
I totally feel for you and can TOTALLY visualize the sparkly diaper thing. I just figure if anyone ever looks and don't like what they see, then they don't have to keep lookin.
Go wild, Granny-panty lady, you!!
Your pal,
ps. I do sport the G.P.s too but hopefully those days are numbered as I get older...

~:*:*:Pixie:*:*:~ said...

You still wear underwear?

Miss B said...

wien ~ i'm seeing a side of you that only my therapist shall hear about. *fingers raised* scout's honor.

pixie ~ now, i didn't say THAT babygirl... there are cyclical times one must but otherwise...

~:*:*:Pixie:*:*:~ said...


I need help.

2 words: Air Brakes.