Next Steps in the Journey to Me

~> Get the extra "crap" out of the house. Clutter is making me crazy.
~> Get my ass motivated in my classes. I love them!
~> Get my ass motivated for my health. I'm not feeling "well."
~> Buckle down and get the extra little bills under control before they get out of control.
~> It's okay to do stuff for me - the kids are grown. It's my turn to live a little.
~> Seriously investigate the business I want to start. I'm educated, experienced, and motivated enough to do it. I've done this before. I'm not afraid to do it again.
~> Make my travel list. I can travel alone. It's not unheard of.
~> Forgive myself of my past. Really. It's time to let go of the lost opportunities.
~> Open up. It's time to start trusting people again. I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Phew. Easier to make excuses.

Why Not?

Change is difficult

Change is going to be risky

Change will take a long time

There will be family drama

I don’t deserve it

It’s not my nature

I can’t afford it

No one will help me

It’s never happened before

I’m not strong enough

I’m not smart enough

The "Rules" won’t let me

I don’t have the energy

Personal Family History

My parents were divorced

I’m too busy

I’m scared

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Bull.
Shit.

None of the above.

On with life...

life, continued...

ugh, don't even get me started about wireless routers and the pain in the ass therein to re-connect to the cyber world.

however, i am now live. and life is changing rapidly again...

another one out of high school and into college. am i to feel responsible for footing the bills? i will provide home and means, but the education is their baby. they can't fully appreciate what they don't have to work for - i sure didn't 'til my ass had to pay for mine.

a prodigal son returns home. (and his father wants to reconcile but that's a whole other story)

i am happily discovering my own life. and sadly dealing with my personal failures. does the shame ever completely disappear? ahh well.

i've taken a hiatus from school, and now back full force. i AM worth doing something with myself.

time for a reconstructive change... look for the updates - out with the old - yadda yadda yadda.

tater, dude, if you're out there, i'm still around... 2 years and i'm comin' down to hit the boat with you & the missus.

off to study.

*hugs*

Guess what I got for my birthday???

Yep...

my frickin' period.

Sweet.



On the up side - Bandido's tonight... Cozumel Caliente!

Charleston was wonderful - more on that later... back to the grind.

Doin' the Charleston...

headin' south for a mini-vacation and a college day for Pickle...

woohoo!

I am SO needing a vacation. I was running on super-bitch at the office this morning and just the act of my boss breathing was pissing me off. It was amazing.

So I'm going to be hangin' out with Pickle, and we're gonna pick up Squid for the weekend, and who knows? Maybe there will be some awesome Navy fellas down there who need some Miss B time. *wink* Daddy was a Navy man; I'm so partial! lol

Half the fun is the trip... I'm lookin' forward to the cool night air, the radio playin' softly and not having to worry about a frickin' thing but the traffic on the road.

Have a wonderful weekend! The jeep is callin' my name...
Miss B

Perfect

Ahhh the joys of parenthood. Nothing like seeing the look on your child's face as she screams she hates you.

Nothing like hearing the sibling basically not care because she's too busy in her own little world.

And I step back, watch it all fall apart, and do nothing. It is not my lesson to learn. I have this one pretty well down.

I have talked, yelled, listened, hurt, and given all I have.

There is now only time.

file another one under lost weekends...

your body cannot handle any alcohol whatsover.
you cannot have just one drink.
you cannot have more than one drink.
you are poisoning yourself, and everyone around you. family, friends, boyfriend.
you cannot expect him to stay while you are screaming at him to leave.
you cannot keep him from leaving if you ask him to stay and he says no.
you cannot make him want to stay, or love you, when you are so hurtful.
you will not make him want to stay by following him around and creating disturbing scenes.
he is not your father; stop treating him as if he is so.
you are not his mother or his child. he wants an equal.
quit testing him. you will lose.
you are not four. your tantrums are no longer cute. you look like a fool.
you will not come into my home and mistreat me, my father, or him. it will not be tolerated.
you were not raised to act in this manner. quit disgracing yourself.
you are not the center of the universe.
if you want us to listen, you better open your ears.
do not ask me for advice, then do the exact opposite less than one minute later.
if you want to be respected as an adult, then you will respect us as adults.
you cannot expect to keep your job if you keep acting in this manner, or get arrested. they will not allow you to work in this field.
you cannot relieve stress by getting obliterated. it causes more stress.
enough with the "poor me" bullshit and suicidal threats. really. you do not want to lay that guilt trip on anyone. and if I hear you, you WILL be admitted. I have that power.

seek.
therapy.


love
mom