06 June 2007

But wait, there's more...

yes, ladies and gentlemen, as if spiralling down into the seventh circle of hell via bipolar mood swings is not enough, let's add a bit more to the mix...

Night before last/yesterday was the worst swing I've had in a long time. They don't even build up all that slow anymore. Sometimes (seasonal) it does, but mostly it's a switch where I'm feeling perfectly fine and then BAM! I can go from cool to crazy in 2.7 - it's that quick.

Plus side: The moods don't usually stay for more than a week. If I can survive them without killing anyone, or losing my job, I'm good for awhile.

Down side: I can be up and down, wrist-slitting ready or drive-everyone-around-me-crazy happy within minutes of each other for days. It's like Jekyll ~n~ Hyde on LSD then Ecstasy. It can be downright painful. (Migraines usually follow - not to mention when I'm way "up" I will attempt superhuman feats of stupidity, forgetting that I am no longer 17 (or 25 or 30 - stop me now or I will sink again) and I do something wayyyy out of my physical league, thus bringing on pulled muscles, stiff joints and the like.)

On top of the monster mood swing the previous evening, and the horrid workday where I spent the better part of an hour (at different times collectively) sobbing against the bathroom wall quietly because I didn't know what else I could do, I get off work to this:

I call my daughter (she had called me earlier) whilst driving home.

Me: what's up?
L: (sad) nothin'
Me: are you alright?
L: i'm havin' a really bad day.
me: what's up?
L: I just got arrested.
Me: (hyperventilating out of sheer anger) what now?!! (Meaning: what more are you possibly going to do to fuck up your future before you turn 18?)
L: i was tired and was laying down to take a nap and the neighbors had their music turned up so loudly it was vibrating our glass door and windows. So I went down there to ask them to turn it down, they got in my face, the neighbor girl slapped me across the mouth, so I punched her.


I cannot take one more thing. I can't. I'm barely taking in stop signs and traffic as it is, and now THIS? I am a danger to others on the road.

Someone had called the police. They show up just in time to see her punching the other 24 year old girl repeatedly as she's cowering in the corner. So of course, SHE gets the disorderly conduct. The other girl gets nothing. Which pisses my daughter off immensely. This is an ongoing problem with the people in this apartment below us. They constantly play their music too fucking loud, vibrating everything, it's usually so loud we can't hear our own television. When we go downstairs and knock on the door, they don't usually answer.

The cop issues the citation as we're in our apartment. My daughter is seriously upset because:

1) She's a minor and a 24-year-old hit her (Ok, kiddo, 17 with 5 1/2 weeks til your birthday... if you were 12, yes.)
2) We cannot press charges against the other girl. The prosecutor has to decide, and there were no witnesses except the other girl's friends and family.
3) She is the one in trouble. (The only thing the cop saw was her hitting the other girl.) She can't quite grasp the circumstantial (nail marks on her arm from the other girl, bloody lip) vs the concrete (the officer saw her hitting).
4) I am not going down there to beat this woman's ass and "stand up for her". *sigh* Great - now I'm a Piece of Shit mother because I'm not brawling with the neighbors. Not that I don't WANT to do this; I realize, however, that after the fact, going down there will a) land me in jail, b) cause me to lose my job and c) leave her and me homeless.
5) She doesn't think she needs an attorney. I tell her if she wants to work teaching young children, this time we need an attorney. She's lucky it was Disorderly Conduct and not Battery. The probation officer and cops are doing everything they can to help her, but she has to help herself for chrissakes.

I was done. I talked to the officer on the phone(with whom we have a "good repoire") and he explained what had to happen. I know the laws; my mom was a cop. I grew up around them. I knew what I could do and get away with. My daughter does not always believe me. I was screaming in the jeep, driving down the road, at no one in particular. I'm sure that had there been a hidden camera, someone would have made a lot of money off this one. I was a danger on the roadway.

I call one of my best friends. She has been through the rough stuff with my daughter with me. I tell her what's happened, why I'm so pissed and that I can't stand it anymore. 18 fucking years and I'm still working 2 jobs and raising 3 kids. Nothing has gotten better. Nothing has ever been "good". I haven't been able to have a life of my own because I was too busy living for everyone else. And I've worked hard to make sure my kids have every opportunity to do something with themselves, and she keeps fucking it up. I told A that I didn't want L to end up like me. She asked what that meant. I told her, 18 years, 2 jobs... etc. etc. I've done nothing, I've accomplished nothing and I've gone nowhere. And now that my kids are nearly grown, I still have nothing, can't do what I want to do and times like this are when having someone would mean the world to just be able to have them hold me and tell me it will be ok. Talking on a phone to someone is not comforting. She tries to reassure me that I'm not worthless; I'm having none of it. I end up hanging up on her. This is the first time I have ever done that. I have to call her and apologize. Tonight.

So I'm at home, and my daughter and I are going round and round. This incident is cause to get us kicked out of our apartment. I'm not real fond of it, but it's a roof. This I do not need.

I have to take off work to go to court. (My boss doesn't even know this yet.) I'm too embarrassed to have to tell him. Every time she does something right, she fucks herself up big.

*sigh* deep breath.

Back at work today... The mood isn't great, but it's stable. I'm not bursting into tears every 5 minutes, and I'm getting some work done. In part to the well-wishes and encouragement in comments. I'm very tired. I can't even write coherently.

Then one of the kids who works out in the yard, Zach (20 ish - girlfriend due in July) fun kid, comes in for the lunch break (like every day). He and I have a game. We play Tag. We're in the timeclock area, and we're slapping back and forth and I'm laughing so hard I can't hardly stand it. (I AM good at this; he's quick, but I'm quicker.) So much so that I had to have the HR guy double-check and make sure I'm clocked out for lunch. *smile*

And now, I'm back to my chest hurting and tears again This is what I mean. The swings are so wide and so diverse. How am I depressed if I'm laughing and having fun?

I've done the medication. I take it for about a year, then we (meaning me and doc) work my way off it. He doesn't think it's a permanent solution - I agree. We may both be wrong.

It works for awhile, although the last time, it didn't do much for me (I thought). What do I know? I'm not a doctor. Although, I am very in tune with my physiological side. It was great in that I lost weight (wasn't hungry), got a lot done, (actually felt like getting off my ass and I could FOCUS), and got some sleep (I decided I was tired, and I went to bed, to sleep.) I know, I know, it SOUNDS like it would be a good deal. And the pain tolerance - woo hoo! I could slice my finger peeling potatoes or slam my shin against something and I'd stop, look at it and say, "Hmm, that hurts." I knew it SHOULD hurt. :) I was superhuman.

I was also a zombie. I had no mood. It was the same mood all the time. Don't get me wrong; I'm not crazy about the "deliriously happy, tragically sad, raving lunatic angry" that I go through now, but I want to have SOME mood. I want to enjoy being around people. Have a personality. Enjoy sex. If I ever have it again. In this lifetime. With someone else. heh.

See? I'm in there. I like my mind, my humor. That part gets lost. It's been lost for years. I remember being happy, having hope, sparkling personality, dreams. I now have none of those. People bitch and whine about their significant others, and how they're miserable. I sit back and think, man, it would be nice just to have someone who's not my mom, or my brother, care about me in more than just a co-worker/acquaintance at the store kind of way. Grow the fuck up and be thankful you have someone. If you don't have a great relationship, take a look at yourself - are you giving any effort to improving it, or sitting on your ass and wishing it would get better?
We all have our problems, so why would mine be any more important than anyone else's? Really. In the scheme, I am insignificant.

It's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all...

And there's where I'm done for now... I can't go to that part of my mind and heart. Not today. I'm not that far past this swing.

What a load of babbling... ignore everything, maybe the next post will be intelligible. I just want to be happy again.


Tater said...

Well, all of us just want you to be happy again too.

I've never been through what you are experiencing, so I'm hesitant to say anything (no kids, married, no real depression etc), but it sounds to me you might wanna see the doc about this. Is it possible to just take meds when you're depressed and then come off of 'em once it's passed?

Good luck pretty lady, I'm worried about you.


Certis said...

You don't know me, I don't know you. I came across this post by sheer chance.
I don't have anything motivational to say, nobody knows if they are gonna end up alright.

Just know that i care. And if there is anything i can do (most likely not, so it's very safe for me to say this, kek) just ask.

Best of luck to you.


Miss B said...

tater ~ i cannot imagine having a normal life with a marriage, no kids and no real depression. heh. i read about people like that...

certis ~ some of the best folks i've met were by chance... glad you stopped... and thanks for the um, offer? much appreciated...