05 June 2007

Reflections on Change

She said baby, it's 3am I must be lonely...

Must be.

Life sucks. Love sucks. People suck.

I feel another swing coming on. Brought to you courtesy of life, love and the pursuit of happiness. There is a sudden, overwhelming, and scary urge to pick up and move, start over, anonymous. How sad that I may be missed momentarily by a handful of people, but in the end, there is not one single soul who cares if I live or die, whose world would be completely and irreversibly rocked by my absence.

I now have tears. Thus the cycle begins.
today at lunch, i drove into town because being anywhere was better than being in the midst of people at the office who know nothing of my personal life, save that i have teens and am not married. windows down, music up, and just trying to make it from stop sign to stop sign, i fought the urge to cross the double yellow and meet a grain truck head-on. the driver inside me does not want to do that to another driver. i may, however, find the next bimbo in a minivan putting on makeup, yakkin' on the phone and not paying attention, or the moron in the suv readin' the paper, brushing his teeth, or shavin' ~ provided there are no kids in there.
December was the last time... so I've had nearly 6 months of what i'll loosely call peace. it's no wonder i'm alone. who would want to have to deal with this?


Tater said...

Oh I suspect you'd be missed by more than you'd admit, especially when you're down.

Been out of pocket lately, was burying my first cousin up in Georgia. He was a fireman, who after battling a fire all day, had a heart attack later that evening. Funeral was impressive, his fellow firemen & ladies put on a very nice service for him. But the ceremony's over and now his family & friends will miss him forever.

As would yours.

If you need help/meds sweetie, get it. Nothing dishonorable about that. And try not to beat yourself up so much, life's gonna do that for you anyhow, and trust me it doesn't need any help!

Take care of yourself, I sure hope you feel better soon.


Wien. said...

Hey Miss B.
Your blog page took forever to load up for me, and I thought to myself how disappointed I would be if I couldn't check in on your life anymore. When it opened, finally, I read your message.
You would be missed a great deal. Take a breath and call someone, your doctor, your bf, anyone. But don't just go away thinking we will not miss you. Life consumes us all, I can't say I know exactly how you feel at any moment, just know that I've seen my share of dark shadows before too. Hold on and don't get lost in the dark.

- Jason said...


You can't manufacture a miracle
The silence was pitiful-that day
And love is getting too cynical
Passion's just physical-these days
You analyse everyone you meet
But get no sign - loving kind
Every night you admit defeat
And cry yourself blind

If you can't wake up in the morning
'Cause your bed lies vacant at night
If you're lost, hurt, tired or lonely
Can't control it try as you might
May you find that love that won't leave you
May you find it by the end of the day
You WON'T be lost, hurt, tired or lonely
Something beautiful will come your way

I stumbled across your page as I was looking for a friends page. I read your post and felt I needed to leave a little note: Take care of yourself

-Nobody Someday


Miss B said...

you've been missed tater... my deepest condolences for your family's loss.

it only gets darker each time, wien. how nice it would be to feel hope and optimism again. 18 years later and i'm still in the same place.

thank you for your kindness, jason.

George said...

Miss B ... get yourself away from those thoughts. I know where you are coming from and it is not a nice place to dwell. We have been there and we should not vist it very often or at all.

No matter how dark it feels, no matter how bleak the future looks ... we won't let you do down that road. A year ago I felt just like you do but my meds have helped trememdously, not 100% of the time but almost all the time. Go to your doctor, get yourself admitted to hospital (all it taks to be admitted is telling the nurse that you are seriously thinking of self harm) and work on a positive attitude about recovery. Call on us if you need help getting through this state you are passing through.

Promise me you will?

Be well.

rsm said...

The dark moments pass. It takes a while and I, too, am in the midst of all of that right now, wondering what it will be like to hit the reset button and start the game over, same game, different set of random monsters, wiser having already gone through this level before.

There's ways of doing that without unplugging the console.

(and if that doesn't put a smile on your face by thinking "Nerd Alert!" I will keep trying.)

Miss B said...

george, hon, your words mean much. I've seen your words, read your past. I know you understand.

rsm, nerds have always been my favorites... they have the coolest gizmos and i can have real conversations with them.

It's still dark.