10 May 2007

The Past

We all have one. We can try to hide it, deal with it, fuggedabot it... it doesn't go away.

Children have a way of bringing the past back. In dealing with proms, cars, graduations and all the other coming-of-age events that happen, we re-live our own past. I was fortunate as a young girl. We didn't have a lot of money, and I worked from the time I was 15 on, but we always seemed to have enough to do the stuff that we needed. I paid for my own senior pictures, prom dresses, graduation. It wasn't that my parents didn't care; they did very much. They just didn't have it to give. They worked hard, we had what we needed and we learned the value of money. It's a painful lesson that lives with me today. I've worked 2 jobs more years than I worked only 1. Financial fortune just hasn't followed me through life. Some directly related to choices I made when I was younger, and some just because that's the way it goes.

So as I'm looking at my oldest daughter's prom and graduation, knowing I can barely afford to keep milk in the house, it pains me to know that she has to suffer for my failures.

In step the in-laws. Oh no, not HERS; My other daughter's. The ones who were hateful and cruel, stole her from me, helped her worthless piece of shit father keep her. Yea, the one that hasn't worked in 7 years. The one I have to pay 1/3 of my take home income to every week because he's too lazy to work and not too proud to take money from me to pay HIS child support to his ex-wife. The ones who when this child was young, did more hateful, cruel things in the attempt to take her as well.

*breathe* remember the therapist said it is illegal to kill them. must find rubber band for wrist to stop myself from plotting 7 ways to take them out without getting caught.

Money must make you think you can do or say anything and it's alright. For example, a couple months ago we're at a choir competition for my youngest girl, and the ex mother-in-law says to me, "Well, looks like Lacey turned out alright with you after all. We didn't think you'd do that well."

*blink* heh.

I'm sorry... fuck you. I may not have your money; I may not agree with every single thing you think and say (yea, my independent thoughts gave them a lot of grief over the years); and my own family life was not the Cleavers, but I am not a worthless piece of shit, and I know how to teach my children right from wrong, values, and morals. I also know that the real world is out there; they need to learn to interact with it and raising her in a box (as your son does with my daughter) is not going to teach her life skills.

Prom rolled around. It sucks because this past year I was downsized out of a good paying job. We're barely hanging on right now. A job making 1/3 of what you were doesn't cut it, even when I lived carefully making that. I've been able to stretch my money out for 10 months now. We're pretty close to done. Lacey's planning on going on to live elsewhere and go to school; I'm looking at putting my stuff in storage and living in my Jeep. I digress...

They step in, call her, talk her into going shopping with them and her sister, and buy that lovely red dress you see her pictured in below. Shoes, jewelry, etc. Thank you. It's appreciated.

Now, graduation. We were going to have a small party with my family. She was ok with that. Once again, they call her, ask about her graduation plans, and say, "No, you HAVE to have a party close to graduation, you make the arrangements, let us know how much it is, and we'll send a check with Haley."

Great. Thank you once again for reminding us that I am a failure at life and no matter what I try to do, you always have to one-up me in the eyes of my children. Thanks for teaching them that if they don't do everything according to your social standards, they will be lesser people, such as their mother. Thank you for taking the joy out of the milestones of MY daughter's life, the one who is NO RELATION TO YOU WHATSOEVER, and excluding everyone else except you.

So now my daughter is upsest because she doesn't understand why I'm upset. She doesn't remember the horrible things they did and said to me. My mother and my brother do. She is upset because my family does not want to be there around them. She does not understand, and it does no good to tell her.

So our family is in an uproar again, a perfectly good couple days has now been hidden under a cloud, and I sense a downswing coming to which I am not looking forward.

*sigh* it's past; it's done; it's nothing in the scheme of things...

20 years down the road, and some of the scars are not yet healed... I have accepted the responsibility of my stupidity over the years. It's not their fault I am where I am. It is, however, my choice to not let them in. I will never again give them the ammunition with which to hurt me. I make no apologies for this to anyone. Not even my children. They did not live the hell; I made sure they never had to live it. Guess what, kiddo? Another life lesson. You can't make the past go away, and you can't erase the pain.

Rambling - not one of my better attributes... and nothing funny this time...

My head hurts.

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