15 March 2007

The Art of being Cool...

I hear the word ~cool~ a lot from others in description of myself. Which, btw, is MUCH better than that other nasty 4 letter c-word...
No, not that one, ya putz, "cute"...where the hell is YOUR mind??? My kids (when they're not mad at me), their friends (when they are), people at work, road buddies I've known. My oldest daughter's friends think I'm cool, and it pisses her off. *giggle* my girls have asked me the secret, so I'll share; I've passed the art onto my girls... and they are... cool.

Parenting - don't bitch a lot. ok, don't bitch as much as some other parents. they know what's expected and what the boundaries are. dislike repeating oneself, and this they understand.

In Public - not because you act like trash, but because you don't. never rush. don't meander around, just go in, do your thing, keep movin'. walk like you have no cares what the rest of the world is doing - it's all about you. be patient in line, even when the asshead is in front of you holdin' things up, being loud and obnoxious. just fix him with one of your straight stares (jade green eyes usually stopped the babbling for a second or two) and they'll get out of the way. don’t be all bubbly and barbie-like to everyone, just the folks you’re with. others get a polite nod and then move on. they can watch, and you should know where they are and what they are doing in proximity to you, but they shouldn't have a clue you know they exist. don't fall all over them. don't laugh at unfunny stuff. chuckly slightly at hilarious stuff. only laugh out loud and lose it with close friends and family. never get flustered. when you're upset with someone, no wordy arguments. let them bitch and piss and moan and tirade while you cock one eyebrow and lean your head to the opposite side (try it, you KNOW you want to), then take them down with a short scathing one-liner; turn and walk away. be done with the conversation. call people 'hon' and 'babygirl'... never 'sweetie' or 'sugar'.

With Friends - do the Wal-Mart squiggle to break any tension. tease people about getting drunk and playing naked Twister. show them your twisted sense of humor. be sarcastic. keep these friends separate from work friends.

At work - look "cute" in uniform. cap it off with black shades -- no silly colored frames or big goofy sunglasses; it’s black, frosted, mirrored. period. when you go inside, they don't come off, just tap the top and slide them just a bit down your nose and look over the top of them. occasionally a hat (low profile, of course) in bad weather - to keep the hair lookin' good. ;) back up your own vehicle and always take the front. always have an answer when it’s needed, and don’t be afraid to make a decision, even if it’s wrong. be "cool" under pressure. be mildly sarcastic at times of great stress. rarely show your sense of humor; when you do it must be suggestive at best. then immediately be serious afterward; make them wonder. hair can be down, but it must be done. keep an extra clippy in case you get busy - throw it up carelessly and don't seem to pay attention to it. (when you go to the restroom, fix and primp there - NEVER in public.) flirt with the married women, but never the married men. be hot and cold with the single ones.

When Flirting - fluff hair, laugh often, wrinkle nose occasionally. always be moving, shades can be removed, but only if they are resting on top of your head. when talking with a hottie, be somewhat distant and distracted. when talking with a cutie-but-not-hottie, hold mega eye contact, smile only at them, and always stand right outside their space. when talking with a not hottie-or-cutie, hold mega eye contact, smile only at them, and always stand right INside their space. keeps the big boys in their place, makes the average boys your friends, and the nerdy geeks your eternal favormasters. this WILL come in handy.

When Driving - no singing along to the radio where anyone can see you; you can, however, slightly move your head to the beat. the only type of music you can have up loud is classic rock, no twangy country or poppy hip-hop bullshit. if you have a sun roof it's open all the time. if you have a moon roof, it's always open at night. you must wear obligatory shades, rain-shine-snow. if people pass you (lol - yea, like that ever happens to me) you slowly roll your head their way and peer at them over the top of your shades. you break eye contact first.

At home - be in a long jersey, or in a t-shirt and shorts. always be barefoot. hair must be up in a clippy or a tie, unless you're doin' your thang in the bedroom (bathroom, kitchen, roof, whatever - cool is wherever you are). then it's down and wildly tousled. be unavailable to everyone except a very select few ~ hey, you're a busy woman, it's hard work being cool.

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