14 February 2009

vd at its finest...

valentine's day... fabulous. who in the hell thought up this holiday? wasn't st valentine a massacre? how did this get turned into a lovey-dovey bullshit holiday? don't get me wrong - it's great if you have someone you actually LIKE being around, but for those of us who are otherwise unencumbered, it pretty much sucks balls.

all around for the last week i've had to listen to everyone moan about what to get for someone else. my boss asked me to look at flowers online and then got pissy because the ones i suggested weren't what his wife might like. uhh, hellllo. i'm not your wife. how the hell would i know what she wants? you've been married to her for over twenty years and YOU don't even know what she likes. moron. i tell him to try something different, be original. he says i'm supposed to figure something out.

let's review. i don't DO valentine's day. i haven't done valentine's day for years. the only person i was even remotely interested in in the last few years is busy with his nose stuck up someone else's twat.

but, i digress...

i'm not anti-love or a hater. i just don't get all wound up over a day when i know all the next day i'm going to have to hear what everyone else got from someone, or watch the flowers roll in to work. *yak*

upside, i save money on good chocolate. score.

in the spirit of the "day of love"... courtesy of some friends who are just as twisted as i
so a queer walks into a gay bar and... ahh nevermind. you were there, you know what happened.

heard on the news someone checked into the psych ward wearing only a thong and riding a goat. i'll come and get you, but this shit has to stop.

teen girl to mom: "is it true babies come out where boys put their penis?"
mom: "yes, why?"
teen girl: "won't that break my jaw?"

q-what do you do if your ex is limping round in ur back yard, covered in blood, screaming?
a-keep calm, focus, reload and shoot again.

if a woman has sex with a man in a wheelchair and they do 69, is that meals on wheels?

a pimp tells his ho, "bitch cook me somethin that reminds me of how good i fuck." she says, "vienna sausage & minute rice comin' up."

a horny husband was helping his wife set up a password for her computer. he typed MYPENIS. she fell over laughing when it said ERROR, NOT LONG ENOUGH.

a girl is about to tie the knot, and she's watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. she asks her mom how she kept her dad happy after all those years of marriage. the mother throws a wad of dough on the floor, pulls up her dress, squats and picks up the dough with her snatch. her mom tells her to practice that and when she can do it, her man will be satisfied for the rest of his life. so she practices until the wedding. she comes out of the bathroom in a sexy nightie, carrying a can of biscuit dough. she opens the can, throws the dough on the floor, squats down and accidentally farts loudly. her startled new husband jumps out of bed and backs away from her. "what's wrong honey?" she asks him. he tells her, "dang woman - if that thing barks like that for a biscuit, i sure as hell ain't gonna throw any meat at it!"

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