911 Upgrade

thank you for calling 911. in order to better serve you, and in an effort to reduce spending, we have installed an automated answering system to more effectively route your calls. please choose from the following menu:

fire please press 1
- kitchen fire please press 1
- cigarette in bed fire please press 2

- personal vehicle fire please press 3
- person on fire please press 4
- house fire (2 bedrooms or less) please press 5

- house fire (3 bedrooms to 5 bedrooms) please press 6
- house fire (6 bedrooms or more) please press 7
- trailer fire just hang up. by the time we get there, it will be toast.

rescue please press 2
- cats please press 1
- children please press 2
- adults please press 3
-- elderly with heart condition please press 1
-- stupid adults who think they are still teens, please hang up, then grow up.
- car accident please press 4
-- 1 car accident press 1
-- 2 car accident press 2
-- 3 car accident press 3
-- 4 car accident press 4
-- 5 car or more accident, or accident involving 3 or more cars and a motorcycle OR 3 or more cars and a commercial vehicle please hang up and dial waste management at 555-1234
- commercial vehicle accident please press 5
- motorcycle accident please hang up and dial waste management at 555-1234.
- gunshot wounds please press 6
-- light grazing please press 1
-- foot or hand missing please press 2
-- face or stomach missing please hang up and dial waste management at 555-1234.
- stuck in elevator please press 7
-- stuck in elevator with pregnant woman please press 1
-- stuck in elevator with claustrophobic person please knock them out with fire extinguisher and press 2 for further instructions
-- stuck in elevator and have to use restroom please hang up and dial waste management at 555-1234.
- industrial accidents please hang up and call OSHA
- accidents involving men and power tools please press 8
-- for power tools 12 volts and less press 1
-- for power tools over 12 volts press 2
-- for power tools that result in missing limbs please hang up and dial waste management at 555-1234.
- accidents involving women and hair treatments please press 9
-- hair color incidents please press 1
-- hair removal incidents lower extremities please press 2
-- hair removal incidents upper extremities please hang up and call plastic surgeon at 555-4483

abuse, neglect, or strange sexual acts please press 3
- for child abuse press 1
-- for kids that really deserve it please hang up and we will forget you called
- for elderly abuse press 2
- for spousal abuse press 3
- for child neglect press 4
- for elderly neglect press 5
- for spousal neglect please hang up and dial 900-234-9915
- for s & m please hang up and dial 900-234-9915
- for objects lodged in orifices please press 6
- for strange objects lodged in orifices please hang up and call roxy at 555-2374

for seasonal accidents please dial 4
- skiing accidents press 1
- snowmobile accidents press 2
- motocross accidents press 3
- boating accidents press 4
- camping accidents please hang up and call your local forest ranger
- for bicycle, skateboard, or girls in too-high heels accidents please hang up and call funniest home videos.

for robberies press 5
- convenience stores press 1
- home press 2
- carjacking press 3
- banks please hang up and take your lumps

to replay this menu press 6
to hold for the next live operator please press 0

thank you for calling 911. have a great day! good-bye.