This is splayed across the rear window of the awesome jeep. I can read it perfectly in my rear-view mirror. It's a constant reminder that we make our way; that I am in charge of where I go.
So why did I spend so long going nowhere? Why did I think I had to answer to people who have no control over my life? For what reason did I worry so much about what other people would think or do? They don't give a shit about me, or what I would think or do.
I'm getting that old, familiar feeling. You know the one. The need to move on and explore; to go places, meet people, have adventures. The restless one. The scary one that usually means something is up ahead.
I am not accountable to anyone but me. This both excites and infuriates me. It's cool; I can do what I want, go where I want, see whomever. I answer to no one. It's sad. No one cares where I go, what I do, or with who I spend my time.
Do I want to answer to someone? Meh. The right someone, sure. If it's the right someone, the pieces are there. You don't "have" to account for yourself because the lives mesh. Do I want someone to care about where I go, or what I do? Meh. Sure would be nice to know someone was interested. It's not so much that I'm tired of being alone - I'm not. I'm pretty self-sufficient, and I already know I can take care of myself. I can entertain myself - and not just THAT way, thankyouverymuch.
Do you ever miss the closeness of having someone near? Not just a "friend", or a fuckbuddy. Someone around who knows you inside out. Calms your world just by being there. The one you can feel enter the room, and zero in on instantly. The one with whom you can share your deepest, darkest fears, and not be judged. The one who holds you because they just love holding you.
That's the someone I want. The one with which I don't have to finish sentences. The one with whom I can read minds. Feel when they're not there.
I have half the map. Who has the other?