05 June 2008

PS... I Love You

Pickle is home for the summer. She got here last night. We've had two nights of catching up, hanging out, getting used to each other again. It's so hard to believe that in 6 months, she will be an adult and my time with her will become even shorter.

She is so like me in so many ways. Her love of learning, music, and the inner strength to get her through difficult times. We share a love of classic movies, classic rock and trashy jennifer crusie books. I know, but she's damn funny.

Anyhow, we decided to grab a few movies tonight at the local video store after dining out at the fine Taco Bell establishment. We picked out our movies and headed home. Her choice was PS I Love You. Romantic comedy, chick flick, date movie kind of thing. Alright, if nothing else, I'll get a nap.

Wrong.

It was a fun movie, in a sappy kind of way. And very thought-provoking (at least for me). I'm watching bits and pieces of this and remembering bits and pieces of the past and I am feeling pain as I haven't in a long time; great swells rushing to my head and my chest.

I try to not be, but I fear I am a hopeless romantic. *yak* *gag* *sigh*

So, tonight my heart is hurting, and I am missing someone. When you have that perfect love, and it ends suddenly, how do you move past it? Do you forget everything, wipe it out of your mind? Ignore the memories and push out the feelings? Or do you let it wash over you and feel the absolute pain tearing through your entire body until every fiber of you is begging for rest and release? Do you stoicly hold back the tears until you are composed, or let them fall free, cleansing you? Have you ever been to the edge? Knowing the past is gone, but living it in secret corners of your mind? If you have that truly free, safe, all-encompassing love, how do you move out of that shell?

Too much pain tonight, folks. I have remembered why I try so hard to forget - the ache is still too real, and the process of healing must begin again. So I'll remind myself that this movie gets shelved, along with Michael and Meet Joe Black. Life doesn't work out; people aren't waiting around the corner, and the end is the end.

If you lost it, be thankful you had it. If you have it, cherish it. Now.

*hugs*
miss b

4 comments:

Wien. said...

I know that feeling. It's the same one that is chewing on my heart right now, tearing off pieces and stashing them in my throat and bouncing them around in my stomach.
It feels the same every time. I don't think it really goes away. It might stop for awhile but for me, it doesn't take much for it to get roaring again.
My heart has been broken by men, but nothing hurts more when it involves the love we have for our children.
Let's take big breaths, and let it flow.
Your pal,
W.

rsm said...

No idea of the solution. I'm still single, 16 years after her death.

The shell might go away at some point.

Steph said...

Oh hun, I'm so sorry to read that. **big hugs**

Miss B said...

thanks wien~ *hug*

rsm ~ i've met nice people, gone out with a few nice fellas - and a couple dorks - but i never feel "that" way about anyone, and i fear i will never feel safe to truly share myself again. *sigh* so at this point, do we "settle"? it's so against my nature.

thanks steph ~ glad to see you back around... long season, that big brother! ;)