22 May 2008

let it be

in a conversation i had with mr m a couple months ago, he said something with which i totally agree. everyone is brought into your life for a reason. for what reason and how long they stay, however, is totally unknown.

the last couple days i've been mulling this around. this is not the first time i heard this thought. i was told once i was an angel to someone who had lost his best friend in a car accident. i think it was a case of unrequited love, but they were best friends, and he loved her, but not enough to ruin the friendship by trying something more. anyhow, he missed "kimmie" and told me that i was his kimmie, who was there to remind him to take the steps and chances that you were afraid to, because you never know when that chance will be gone, and just because someone leaves your life and you start living again, does not mean they meant any less to you.

he was in my life for nearly four years. he brought to me a faith in myself, and a finding of inner strength that i'd forgotten i had. i remembered how to laugh, love, and just breathe. i guess he was just preparing me for when he would no longer be in my life, because when he was gone, i had to learn how to laugh, take a chance on getting my heart broken again, and just breathe to survive. for four years after, i missed so much the simple things. having him pat my hair, warming my hands on his belly (he used to untuck his shirt when we sat down to cuddle because he knew i was going to pull the shirt out and put my hands on his belly anyway *grin*) and the contented feeling of being safe and loved. i feared nothing; i had thoughts, opinions, emotions, and was loved in spite of, and because of, them.

then he was gone. and i was spinning. and i shied away from everyone because i did not want to go through being close to anyone again. how do you tell your secrets? let your feelings out? trust anyone enough to let them see the real you? and i realized, through going, he taught me that i was strong enough without anyone, even him, to live - not just survive. because for over three years, that's what i did. survived. barely at first; then a bit more. and little by little, i started living, and experiencing new things, and opening up to people. and as i started to forget him, i started remembering me.

enter mr m. funny guy, somewhat charming, easygoing. so i peeked out over the wall again. and i am reminded again that people come and go, and we can't control their thoughts or feelings, but we can move past the pain and learn. and you know me; i'm all about learning.

so what is it that's learned? i'm still me. i have my own thoughts, my own opinions, and my own emotions. and they will not always be agreed with, and in some cases, tolerated. and that's ok. they are only a very small part of what makes me, me. i take full responsibility for who i am and what i do, say, and feel - just as i expect from everyone in my life. i am worth the expectation that i am not just out for a good time. i do not have to act trashy to get attention - getting attention has never been an issue. i've taught and raised my girls that if you act like a whore, you will be treated like one. if you expect someone to treat you well, act as if you should be treated well. this has been an eye-opener. we both came through a distressing situation a little worse for wear, but still ok. fortunately. i am reminded that it could have been much worse, and that there are reasons i have the beliefs i do, and why they have always worked for my life. i am neither a bad person, nor perfect. i am beautifully human. we all crave the human touch; sometimes sex will do, but touch without love becomes empty. i've been empty long enough. i want that fullness of faith, feeling, hope, love and laughter. there is no room for hatred and anger. life is toxic enough. there is learning, growing, and moving on to the next level of life.

so i shall continue being me. is there someone out there strong enough for me? i'm pretty sure there is; the question will be, will they be ready?

1 comment:

Wien. said...

Beautifully said.