Get your shit together, girl...

zac: well, been awhile, girlfriend. what's been up with you?

me: meh, same shit, different day. you know how it goes.

zac: no, tell me "how it goes."

me: nothin's really changing for me.

zac: nothing?

me: ok, not nothing.

zac: *expectant look* mmm hmmm....

me: *sigh* well, the job is going better now.

zac: better, how?

me: i'm busy. i'm actually thinking; using my brain. i finally persuaded my dinosaur boss to computerize the company, somewhat.

zac: somewhat?

me: he still does his work by pencil and paper. literally. he writes the loads in a book, then transfers them to a notebook beside each driver's name. the sister company would pay us for what they thought we should be paid, and there was no paper trail for accounting. it was amazing, and not in a good way.

zac: i see. so what do you do?

me: i record them all in a computerized system. we track billing now, and maintain reports of trailer tracking, driver tracking, and receivables. it keeps me busy.

zac: cool. what else?

me: i computerized the driver logs. they were doing the summaries by hand every week. at the end of the month, they would calculate them by hand and record them. i developed a spreadsheet that would track them for the year, automatically carry over the last 7 days of the month and figure restarts for a 34 hour break.

zac: kickass.

me: yea, i guess.

zac: do they not see the merit of these changes?

me: yes and no. i am told usually at least once a day how the tracking software helps them answer questions when i'm not there, answer payroll questions, and we've caught a couple loads that we would not have loaded had we not seen them in there.

zac: great!

me: yea, i finally feel useful again.

zac: so?

me: i'm still dealing with the personal shit at home.

zac: what's going on?

me: that's just it, nothing. i still work 10 hours a day, all weekend, and lay like a lump when i have a free moment.

zac: *unaffected stare* really?

me: ok, so i've gone out on a couple dates over the last couple weeks. same thing. i'm not a barbie doll, and no matter how good a time it is and how well we click in conversation, there is rarely a follow-up date. only the ones in which i'm not really interested.

zac: their loss.

me: yea. easier said than felt. anyhow, i still feel like i'm wasting my life. like it's not worth getting up and doing anything if i'm not working. i don't care if my house isn't spotless, and it usually takes an act of God to get me motivated. for cryin' out loud, my bedroom is still in boxes and i've been here almost 4 months!

zac: who's fault is that?

me: *evil stare* mine.

zac: *laugh* ok, so change it.

me: why bother? i don't sleep in the bedroom; i sleep on the couch. i haven't slept in my bed in years.

zac: doesn't mean you can't have a bedroom. you need your own personal space.

me: i have an entire house of "personal space." the kids are gone, and i don't bring people to the house. *cries* i am now officially a hermit like my dad.

zac: no you're not. you went out today. remember? post office, grocery store, gas station... big step on a sunday when you would usually just veg out and watch cold case all day.

me: true. but i want to do more than normal errands. i want to go places, see people.

zac: so go.

me: it's not that easy. remember what that therapist told me? i'm the most extroverted introvert they've seen. i am fine in situations with which i'm comfortable (work, home) but get me into a personal situation, or anything more than casual chit-chat, and i shut down. i am just great at letting people think i'm ok with them.

zac: well, maybe it's time to consider letting me go and moving on to another.

me: no! you're all i have left right now.

zac: that's not true. you have your parents, your kids, your cat.

me: *cries* i will be one of those 64 year old women with 17 cats.

zac: *chuckle* only if you let it happen. seriously, what's holding you back from moving on with someone else?

me: i've been thinking about this. and it's still captain crazy.

zac: *rolls eyes* what?! him again? woman, it's been almost 5 years. why are you still letting the past shape the future?

me: look, i've finally started dating again. i've moved on that much.

zac: *snort* not much.

me: hey, it's not my fault that i just don't feel "it" with anyone. i try to be open, let people in, look beyond the basics to have relationships.

zac: your problem is you don't want to let anyone in. you don't want to feel anything because it might make you hurt. did you ever think it might make you happy?

me: happy? i was happy once. i was open, connected, and shared the parts of me that no one else saw, including you, and in an instant, it was gone. every fiber of my heart was torn out, and handed back to me in a bleeding, pulpy lump that was barely beating. i've finally patched it back together. it's not pretty, but i have all the pieces. no one's going to get that chance again. it will not survive another tear.

zac: have you not had enough sadness in your life? you've come through so much more than the loss of love.

me: not just the loss of love; the loss of THE love. it was the perfect love.

zac: *straight stare* if it was perfect, why is it no longer?

me: you suck.

zac: well?

me: *sigh* there were other considerations. factors beyond our control. it was not the time.

zac: k, and so you've felt love before. you've lost love before. you've survived.

me: i'm tired of just surviving. i want to live again. i want to love again. i want to feel the freedom that i did in that love. when i could be me, and he didn't think i was crazy. when i could be a bitch and know that he was not going to walk away because he didn't agree with me. i could feel sad, angry, happy, scared, excited, and content. now, i feel nothing.

zac: so live. the only one stopping you is you. knock off the "poor me" shit, quit blaming it on the fact that men only want barbies and that no one will equal him. shut up, step up, and get your ass in gear. haven't you noticed that your world still went on, even without him in it? he doesn't shape your life. you do. he may shape some of the reasons you live your life the way you do, but that is not fair to you, nor is it fair to his memory. so have a glass of wine, cry about it one final time, and put it the hell away already.

me: you still suck.