23 July 2007

the winds of change stir again...


i've been lax, i know. i've set down several times to create and spew forth fun witticism, and end up amusing myself elsewhere. sitting here watching old scooby-doo cartoons, i'm having a quiet, reflective night...

my blogosphere has changed what with tater now being restricted from blogs at work, rsm off to basic training, wien off to exotic getaways down south of the border, certis off even further down south of the border, and one of my "fun reads" deciding they are no longer going to continue their blog...

i still have much fun with george, steph, candy, christina, captain smack, a swift kick, joan, and pixie as a daily read and some occasional fun with others... but it seems hollow, even empty some days. i am not original, witty, or in most cases even humorous. i read so many who are far beyond me in literary capability and am silly with blog-envy. :) i'm forever searching for more; fueling my need to read and be entertained intellectually, and finding interaction with other humans. so i shall continue my search through the blog world to find something that sparks and inspires me.

i have my own private demons (don't we all?) and a past that i have come to accept even though i don't like it most days. i have a present that keeps kicking my ass, leaving me down on the ground and getting up more slowly each time. i have little hope for a bright future; hope is hell. wishes are empty.

i'm melancholy tonight. i think too fucking much. even with the meds, the spinning hasn't stopped. i need my hair patted.

pickle has gone home to her father's for the summer. she did get to stay an extra night, which was a welcome surprise, but how the summer flew! always with her, the time flies. it was a wonderful bonding summer this year; the best so far. she is growing, changing, becoming her own "self." we have many common interests: tennis, classic movies, music styles, humor styles, authors, need for intellectual stimulation.

junior is going through some growing pains of her own. she's trying to make "big people" decisions and struggling. i'm trying to stay out of it because as the final line, my job is now done; as a guide, it is just beginning. we're both feeling our way through this new relationship. as every parent, i don't want her to make the same mistakes i did. as every child, she must make her own.

my baby boy has been extra quiet this year. he has not called me in weeks, although he did call his sister to wish her a happy birthday. a sore spot right now, but a typical 15 year-old boy is he, whether i want him to be or not.

my mother seems extra clingy as of late. i'm sure that one day i will miss it immensely, and i never would want to hurt her feelings, but i am feeling more like a child now than ever. i believe she's facing her own realization of mortality, prompting her to reach out to me and my brother more. as is my dad. the hardest part for me is watching them age. to me they are the vibrant 20-somethings who made our childhood a fairy tale and the 40 somethings who made our movement to adulthood less traumatic. now they are in their 50's and 60's, with failing health and aging bodies. it's so difficult to see them and reconcile this with the lively younger parents i remember. i love my parents without question. they have not had material items to give, but the support and love have been more than most wealthy families will ever know. we are blessed.

one of my best friends is selling her home, and moving with her husband a thousand miles away to be around her son and grandchildren. she has been a mentor, a stable force to whom i could turn for advice and support. i'm sad.

the other best friend has moved on to the perfect husband, the perfect house, the dog, the 2 kids... and though i love her dearly, she is not the same. i love her kids, but mine are so far removed from being babies, i find it difficult to talk of teething and potty training and goo-goo-gaga without my eyes glazing over. and as she was the rock for me during the breakup with captain crazy, so is she the reminder that not all fairy tales come true and some folks just aren't made to have the perfect life. i'm not jealous; just realistic.

i miss people. i don't want to meet new people. i want the old people back. i had two guys flirt with me at work at the restaurant the other night (and not even drunk!) part of me was surprised and part of me was very uncomfortable. this is not something i'm used to anymore. i work hard at blending in and not being noticed (because as a general rule, i'm noticed whether i want to be or not) so this was disconcerting. i don't remember how to flirt. i don't remember how to interact. this is probably why i like the job on the weekends so much. otherwise, i'd be in the apartment all weekend. this way i have to learn to be around people again. i have my "safe space" behind the bar, and it helps. they occasionally put me on the floor, and it's been a struggle, but as my relationship with 'zac goes on longer, it's been easier to do.

my email box has remained empty over the past few days. and i know that another day i will hear from friends and heroes and it will bring a bright moment.

my classes end this week in just a few short days. and of course, i have been studying for tests that i am prepared for in one class, and never ready for in the other. i love the classes. they are completely online, and there is interaction with the professor and the other students in electronic form only. for me, it's fabulous.

i have taken on more responsibility with SA over the last couple months. and while not overwhelming, it consumes a fair bit of time every day. you all know how i feel about our military. i do not see this as any kind of sacrifice. i truly love these folks. and contrary to an intense discussion i had with someone not of american nationality, i love our way of life. so if writing a few letters and sending out emails with news stories and keeping up with people brings them a few minutes of joy, then i shall continue because i have relatively no fear brought to me courtesy of them. some days it's hard to continue, as i watch the death tolls and see the names that are familiar show up on "the list."

the 1st of the month is coming too quickly, and the money is not. every month somehow i squeak through, but each month it's getting harder to bridge the gap. i must get new tires for the jeep before the end of summer. i'm amazed they've lasted this long; they should have been replaced last winter. it's been nearly 6 years since i've had my eyes checked. i know the glasses need updated. all the work i do daily on a computer, reading small print on logs, even the text books i read for homework, leave my eyes tired and make me sleepy. i went so far as to get a small magnifying glass to help me with the textbooks. how sad it that?

as i'm whining on about silly shit, let me let you in on a couple other things. the last couple weeks have been good. i know, it sounds like i'm mired in a bog of shit - which most days, yea, i'd say that's right - but i have felt better. to those that understand depression (manic depression) you understand how being able to get out of bed without feeling like a bucket of fuck every morning can be a monumental task. i know it sounds strange, but i am showering every day, putting on makeup - huge improvement - and most days doing more than just pulling my hair back in a clip. i don't yet have the energy to paint my nails, but the inclination is there. i'm not "happy" at work, but i have finally been able to focus on the mundane little shit jobs that have been piling up and as of 4:36pm this afternoon, i had completed 3 months of work that have overwhelmed me. now, the plan was to do it in one week (last week - i had the days mapped out) and me, being the analytical logician i am, can come up with some pretty specific plans and timelines. i'm great at organization; i superly suck with lots of detailed work. although i can wing through someone else's detailed work, and pick up on the not-so-glaring issues that need resolved. well, with a little help from a friend (certis!) i chit-chatted occasionally instead and ended up 1 day behind. HOWEVER, that's ok, because it was a welcome break from the monotony. one cannot be a robot. it made work fun, and helped much. thanks, buddy. and you know how much i've been fucking off if i completed 3 months of work in 6.5 days STILL fucking off occasionally. and i'm not a lazy person about work. this job has that little for me to do.

i fight with my wicked little vixen side. i'm a very sexual person. if you've been around here any length of time, you already know this. i try to behave, but it slips out every once in awhile. i'm inclined to let her out more often. ya'll know where the "x" is if you need it. i've censored myself in some ways, why i don't know. it's not that i intentionally want to piss people off or have them think badly of me, quite the opposite. but i've spent many years being what i think everyone else wants me to be and i'll be honest folks, i couldn't tell you who i am or what i think or what i want. so pretty much, on here you get who i am. some days i'm that nice lady that loves little kids, some days i'm the dirty little whore who can turn you six ways from sunday if i'm so inclined, others i'm the cool mom or the high-steppin' truck driver.

i think what's bothering me most is i don't know what's bothering me most. lack of money, eh, way of life... doesn't even phase me anymore. i do what i've always done. i work. lack of love, eh, no surprise there either. i'm not easy to be around. i think too much and ask a lot of questions. and if something doesn't make sense or add up, it gets analyzed. pair that up with my over-the-top sense of humor that always seems to get me in trouble, and you just never know what you'll get with me. stagnation, eh, not really. we're moving in a forward direction; it's just taking awhile to get out of the mud.

the only thing that stays the same is everything changes... a line from some song somewhere that briefly passes through my mind... i can't even remember who or what. but so true.

so know that i love you all... you've touched my life in a way that some of the people i see every day never will. even the lurkers who never comment, but come back regularly have become somewhat of a comfort zone. you are all a part of my journey to discover me.

if you made it all the way through this, i am amazed. my mindless drivel and rambling has bored even me, and i am usually easily amused, even by my own inane banter. i'm winding down, spent and drained from the day. time to get some letters out and look forward to the next round of life... take care of you.

miss b


Candy Rant said...

Hey Miss B...

Hang in there. I've heard you and I can relate. "Bucket of fuck" is perfect.

I fight depression every day. It's a way of life. Some days I do better than others.

I also get the "blog envy" thing. The bazillions of blogs out there is simply overwhelming, each one more clever than the last.

But your voice is your voice, and that was a great post.

Miss B said...

welcome Candy :) i am a fan. congratz to you and yours...

thanks much for the reassurances... in this case, it really does take one to know one. ;) lol


Certis said...

Wicked little vixen... Orly?

Why haven't i been informed?
I feel left out...


Oh and your blog is awesome (i like that word), please don't stop.

Miss B said...


Not left out; protected, sheltered.


No chance... if I don't blog, I'll either a) kill someone or 2) explode...

thanks for your support certis... ;)

miss b