11 June 2007

Decisions, Decisions...

These are among the few decisions I'm facing in the very near future. Really, at this point, nothing is holding me back from anything. The children are grown, or living with their father for the remainder of their school years (which is only 2-3 years.) I am now free to move about the country as I please. I have pressing decisions, mid-range decisions, and long-range decisions all coming together at once. What I do now affects me years down the road. I repeat this to my kids vigilantly. Why is it so difficult to make them? Is it selfish of me to want to do something now, even though the kids are not quite done with school? Am I making excuses because it's easier to remain stagnant and stuck in the familiar? I used to love new, unknown, change. Quite frankly, got tired of having my ass and my heart handed back to me all the time. Is this another one of those times?

Moving closer to work - I like my job ok. Do I move closer to a city where mostly everyone that works there lives? Or stay in the town I like where no one from work lives. Privacy is important to me. Yea, I know I have a blog, but it's different.

Start a 401K at this job - it's that time again. I've been here long enough to qualify. Every time I start a plan, I lose my job. Retirement isn't looking good.

Stay in this field/line of work - this goes with my current trip back to school. Do I stay with what's "safe"? Do I venture into something that has been in my mind and my blood for 20 some years? I could go to school forever now. I love learning. Am I doing this to move forward? Just to keep the brain working? Or am I really looking to move forward.

Degree Declaration - I could major in Accounting, Business Admin, or even Information Technology. I have a very strong background in all three from when I received my degree in Computer Science. I have experience in Transportation/Logistics; this is a logical choice. I have interest, inclination and aptitude for the sciences and math. My current declared major is Intelligence with a minor in Criminal Justice, concentration Info Tech/Forensics.
Business Admin with an IT minor. I understand basic business principles. I understand IT as it pertains to business; the setup, security, and program capabilities. I have created custom accounting software, databases, and extensive spreadsheets for various companies.

*I am not a "think outside the box" person-give me a set of parameters and I can get you whatever you need.
*I do not always play well with others-I can tolerate only so much interaction with others. My patience wears thin with those who don't keep up, or with those who do not try.
*I am not a true leader-I organize, structure and plan. I can, at times, be motivational. I prefer, however, to work hard and not babysit. I find it much easier to do the work myself, rather than coax, persuade or beg others to do theirs. IT Managers are not that hands-on.
*I do not do office politics well. I tend to root for the underdog, fight injustice and march to my own drum. Thanks, mom.
*I do not know if my interest in this is from brainwashing as a kid that women "should work in offices, type, or do accounting." To that end, I do not know that my interest in this field is strong enough.
Transportation/Logistics. I have worked in this field for the past eight years, after I ended my 10 year love affair with computers. Ok, technically the affair has not ended. I keep it around for the occasional foray into intellectual stimulation. I am familiar with the trucking industry. I understand logistics. I cannot tell you which way I'm facing, but I can find nearly anyplace, or find out where I can get the information to get there.

*I am not a "people" person. Though I don't mind human interaction (as far as work goes,) I prefer email/fax to phone/face-to-face. This field requires interaction with drivers, brokers, carriers, customers, and salespeople.
*I have an internal need to venture to the application side of transportation (drive) which overtakes the sensibilities at times. One must be completely on one side or the other to be successful in this arena.
*My interest in this field is strong towards some aspects: the planning, setup and goal areas. Is my interest in this field strong enough to continue working as closely with people?

Intelligence/CJ/IT Forensics. My interests. My passions. All in one. I understand the core of IT. I have programmed, created network structures, built computers from the ground up. I've taught computer courses to adults, created the coursework myself. I understand the core of the law side of CJ. Growing up with a cop made it easy. I have always been fascinated by the order side. Forensics. My love. How do things work? How do they tie together? What are the process, the chronology, the calculations involved? Tie those with Intelligence, it's a match. I am analytical, logical, structured. I understand, seek out even, patterns in numbers, data, systems. I love the search, the finding, the game of taking seemingly unrelated data and watching as it morphs into detailed, usable information. I prefer watching others, gathering information, looking for the hidden.

*What can be done with this type of education? Are there options out there?
*Where am I going to use something like this in Podunk City, America?
*What if I am not good enough at this? I am not politically savvy. It will certainly take a lot of catching up to figure out politics.
*Do I break out of what I know, what is familiar, to begin again when really, I'm way past my prime as far as careers go?
*I did not follow my dream of joining the service, then moving on to the FBI or CIA. I no longer have the restrictions, but the same options are not open to me anymore. Is this worth it?

So, follow the dream? Remain where it's safe? Keep the comfort level? Venture out on my own again?
*I have no one tying me down. I am single, my children are pretty much grown, and will all be so by the time I finish my degree.
*I don't mind the area where I live, but I have never minded moving around. I've done it so much, it's just natural.
*I no longer have the dream of getting married, having kids and doing the family thing. I had my kids, raised my family, and with the exception of a brief period, have done it unmarried. I don't look for that to change anytime soon. Resolve myself to the fact that there will most likely not be a "special someone" for me again in this lifetime? Maybe so.
*Comfort level and stability... there are none here. Or at least minimal.
I know, I know, only I can make the decisions. As my oldest asks me,"What if I make a mistake and fuck up?" I tell her, "Then you pick yourself up and start over, kiddo."
It's different starting over at 17, 21, even 25.
Holy Christ. I am middle-aged. Where's my gun?


George said...

You can't learn to walk without falling down. You're resilient and you can get back up again and continue on, knowing what made you fall and avoiding it the next time.

Tater said...

I'd follow you dreams. I did, and will again, got some in the making right now!


Miss B said...

oh georgie... one would think i could figure it out... my best friend assures me i am not an idiot savant...

tater, hon, are you gonna share??? you can email me if you don't want to shout it out... i've no doubt you will achieve...