24 April 2007

Pink Colored Blues...

time for... a cool change
i know that it's time for a cool change
now that my life
is so pre-arranged
i know that it's time for cool change
~Little River Band

I haven't heard that song in more years than I care to remember... I always liked that one. It so fits where I am right now.

I'm up in the air about work. I like the place I work and the people. I'm not doing what I love. This makes a huge difference to me. All the money in the world doesn't matter if you hate what you do.

Tuesdays, as you know, are usually my bad days. And it began like it usually did. I decided to do something odd and take a different route to work. Part of it is because the road I usually take is going to be closed for construction for a month starting the beginning of May, and part of it is trying to find a shorter route to save gas money. My monthly budget is so tight it would shatter if I breathe on it, so every little bit helps. And don't even get me started on the price of fuel. So I wandered up the road a piece, fully expecting to get to work in a halfway decent time. Yea. OH-kay. I jump off my exit, and as I get about a mile down the road, I realize I have taken the exit for 33 instead of 66. *sigh* great. So I snake around the country roads, wandering here and there, trying to head in the general direction of work until I find either it or at least a familiar landmark. Finally I find a road I know, turn the wrong way, realize it and turn around and head the other direction, and make it into work. Jeez. If if weren't for the compass in my truck, I wouldn't know which way I was going. (We had a cloudy day, so I didn't even have the sun to guide me.) I know, Tater, I think this puts a damper on my learning to fly a plane. I'm guessin' the FAA would want me to know which direction I'm moving at 500 mph. Just an observation. :)

Work today was actually somewhat of an exception. I was bombarded with requests to move freight from the time I walked in. Between that and dealing with driver drama, it was 1030 before I realized it. I haven't been that happy in weeks there. And it was a good "people day" as well, even if I WAS on the phone half the morning.
I wore a pink shirt to work (along the lines of my "little red shirt", but kind of a dark hot pink) and I painted my nails a "springy" pink last night... just for something different. The office manager commented several times how nice it looked. The scale room girl said the OM was talking about it and she agreed... apparently I need to stray from my neutral blacks, browns, blues, and greens more often. Dan, the rug guy, was more chatty today than usual. As he was changing out the rugs, I think he was flirting with me. Good Gawd, it's been so long, I almost forget what it is! So, of course, I had to mess with him. My hair was up in my clippy and "cute" *sigh*, I actually had makeup on, and hell, he's a guy. So while he was in another room, I flipped the edge of the rug back over itself and turned around to talk to my boss. He came back in the room and I heard him muttering "what happened to my rug? did I forget to do that?" I looked at him over my coffee mug (hot chocolate-coffee's yucky) and I couldn't help it... I started laughing... (I'm just no good at being devious.)

Anyhow, I go out for lunch today because it's just too nice to stay in the office. That, and my boss was out of the office, so if I wanted any kind of peace during my lunch, I knew better than to stay here. I'm driving along, enjoying the breeze, listening to my tunes, and reflecting...

~*~I don't like the person I've become. I am not a hermit; I need to stop living like one.

~*~I don't like the way I look. I am not "cute" as a chubby person; I am a knockout when I'm thin.

~*~I don't like living paycheck to paycheck. I will take on two jobs before I ask someone to support me.

~*~I don't like feeling overwhelmed and frazzled all the time. I know when I take on too much; why did I add school to the mix? (To become more of a hermit/upgrade my skills so I can take a better paying job so I can support myself.)

~*~I don't like where I live. I have no "home". I live in an ok little city. I wouldn't miss it if I moved. I was like that with my hometown. It's not my home. I don't have a home. I want a home.

Back in the office, I have the CBNH IT guy giving me grief all day. He is an exchange student from Uzbekstan. He thinks I should go to Pakistan or India and learn how to be a "good wife." I don't remember where this conversation started, but I was unamused. Told him I didn't think I would do well in that culture. He assured me I would, said they have a shortage of blonde women who are capable of driving a truck and have that "tough" mentality. (Makes me sound like a mafia hit man for cryin' out loud!) I just asked him why he hated me so much that he would want me to do that. And he has a very private, quiet demeanor that makes him hard to read. Oh! Now I remember, my boss was being an ass and told us that we should get married so I could have a husband and he could have a wife so he could stay in the US. Yep, putz.

Anyhow, it's obvious that CBNH IT Guy and I are not culturally compatible enough to even have a personal conversation. However, one must inhale, taste, and digest all suggestions and see if we can learn from them.

I have learned:

~*~ If you want me to know about your culture and the misconceptions I may have about them, educate me. I'm open to learning all the time. Don't treat me as if I'm stupid because I am not yet educated about something.

~*~ Don't tell me what I should and shouldn't do. I've been doing what I should and shouldn't all my life, don't need your help with it now.

~*~ Even if I learn about your culture, it doesn't mean I will automatically embrace it. And quite frankly, practice what you preach. If you don't like our culture, why are you still here?

~*~ You can be cute, but if you are an arrogant ass, you are not.

In the midst of all this, I'm talking to the State Health Inspectors (yea, THAT'S always fun) about compliance for the tags (tag bitch, remember?) and in my little pink-painted fingernail, pink shirted, "cute" tirade, I'm giggling and flirting and batting my eyes while trying to figure out just exactly what the hell I'm supposed to be changing on the ingredient tags and arguing with CBNHITG about not being submissive and a good wife.

It's been a busy day... *giggle*

So anyhow... I'm whiling the hours, dealing with a lot of emotions that keep coming to the surface. I'm still trying to figure out where they come from. I'm a pretty simple person, don't like a lot of drama. Had I known that painting my nails pink and wearing a colorful shirt today would cause people to talk to me and make me be charming, I might have hung it back up. It's much easier being a hermit...
miss b


Anonymous said...

My Mother is Love

My Father is Love

My Prophet is Love

My God is Love

I am a child of Love

I have come only to speak of Love .
Come, Come again ! Whatever you are... Whether you are infidel, idolater or fireworshipper. Whether you have broken your vows of repentance a hundred times This is not the gate of despair, This is the gate of hope. Come, come again...

Miss B said...

absolutely the most unexpected comment of the day...

peace be to you...

miss b