Well, in all the hullaballoo and hype, much ado about nothing. I did get to welcome Jeff home in person, to which I was tearfully told he was going another direction. *sigh* (No not THAT direction)
However, the time and feelings and hopes and dreams invested are now laying about scattered in pieces and leave me wondering again, where do you go when you have nowhere to go? Why does it seem out of reach? Is it too much to think there is one soul out there who will be "the one" to which we will complete each other?
I'm ok alone; I've been there before. It doesn't scare me anymore. It saddens me. I miss the companionship, the closeness, the confidence and confidant that it brings. So, we sew up the heart, try to make sure all the pieces are in, and wait patiently for time to sort it all out. Meanwhile, no one's allowed in. Don't talk to me because right now I have nothing to say. Don't flirt with me because another time, another place, absolutely I'd love to talk with you and go down that road. That time is not now, my place is here healing until I have the strength to open up to someone again. It becomes more difficult every time. I feel like I did when I taught Basic Computer courses at the local college. I knew it was time to stop when I kept thinking I'd already explained something, because I had said it so many times. It was unfair for the new class; they expected full training. And so it is with sharing yourself. You talk and repeat and tell the same stories, all the while wondering why. They don't stay, it doesn't matter, and you've shared a piece of yourself with someone who will take your deepest fears, bring them to the surface and then use them to hurt you again, even if they don't mean to.
I wish him the best. I'm still proud of him for what he's been and done. I only want good for him. After I'm done envisioning choking him. :) I'm not mad so much as sad. And tired. "Talking" is too difficult. How am I expected to keep sharing with him when he was the one I always wanted to share with and I don't have that comfort level anymore? "Friends" is not what I wanted. I don't know if I can be a friend right now. Not that I don't want to, I just can't. I'm not the one who walked away. I was there, patient, steady and loyal. I did everything right except be "the one". So I'll heal again on my own. Maybe someday I'll let someone in. Not today.