13 December 2006

Why me?

I have someone special. I have someone special who's real. I have someone special who's real and thinks I'm funny, intelligent, beautiful. I think he's smokin' crack. He tells me these things, every day. He makes sure to let me know every day how much he's thinking of me and what I mean to him. No, seriously. He really does. I try to accept these compliments with grace; difficult some days to accomplish. He tells me everything a woman longs to hear from the man of her dreams. We talk and laugh and joke and sometimes argue and cry. And yet he's still there, steady and sure, reminding me he's unwavering. And with every word and every hug and every kiss I keep asking, "Why me?"

What have I done to be given such a gift? I'm nothing extraordinary. I'm a middle-aged (OMG) woman whose best physical years are behind her, literally. :) He lifts my heart. A few minutes on the phone with him erases the day's aggravations. Just to hear his voice soothes my mind. Do I even remember what we were talking about? Probably not. Not the point. :) And yet, he tells me how I ease his mind, how I take care of him, how much I mean to him. And with every reassurance and kind word, I wonder, "Why me?"

After years of not hearing those words, and not having the quiet calm of feeling safe, waiting for the bad to happen, he dispels that silence. After years of broken dreams and empty promises, he fills my world with what will be. After years of being afraid to feel because it hurts too much, he draws that side out of me that I had forgotten exists. From auto-mom/robo-worker to feminine princess, he leads and pulls and drags, kicking and screaming, me from within myself. And with every nudge, every push, I think, "Why me?"

How do I tell him how much he means? How do I form the words when for years the thoughts of being close to someone was forbidden, let alone even thought of being spoken? Am I able to hold his attentions? Dare I try? Is there any possible way to tell him what's in my heart when I am so unfamiliar with it myself? As I step back to his patient waiting, I am able to banish all thoughts of the past. And with every thought that crosses my mind, every feeling pouring through my heart, I ask, "Why Me?"

Why not?

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