29 September 2008

wedged in between the rock and the hard place...

into a tiny little f~n space and it hurts like a bitch!

Argh... life's lessons are coming quickly to Pickle. She barely gets through one and the next one hits. It's been a rough couple months for her.

Of course, the custody battle is done. She had to deal with the drama of the father and the grandmother. During this time her closest buddy left for basic training (or whatever you call that for the Navy), so she learned that people you love are not always nice, and people you need can't always be around.

Enter the school year... busy busy busy. Too busy. Band, choir concerts, work, calculus homework. Add the aunt's wedding and more drama with the father. She's learning the meaning of "stretched too thin" and needs to slow down.

Then the truly awful starts. A friend's father dies; a classmate is killed in an accident (non-alcohol related). The classmate's funeral is tomorrow. She comes into the office after school on Mondays and Thursdays to help out with the data entry for the software upgrade. Today she could barely sit up in the chair. She's known this kid all through school. She's only experienced a couple deaths - one a great-grandfather, and one a friend of the family. This one hits a little closer to home. We're not invincible, even at 17. I sent her home. She was sleeping when I came in from work. She was up just a bit ago to get something to eat, and her color was a little better. The school let all the seniors off tomorrow for the funeral. It's a pretty close-knit school...

She's getting a bit distant. She talks to me about "stuff" but there are times when it seems she would rather be talking to anyone else, or the wall, or a leaf in the yard. (the usual 17 thing, i guess *smile* ) I'm sure the years at her father's helped gap the relationship, even though I tried to remain steady through the shitstorm years. I remember being on the edge of 17, almost an adult, thinking I had all the answers, and not having a clue when life happened. So I have to sit back and watch and wait on both her and Junior (not something I do well) and be there when life comes raining down. *sigh*

I think some counseling with a professional would do her some good. She obviously doesn't want to talk to me, so she should be able to vent to someone safe. "Not interested." She truly worries me. This should be the most fun year for her, and it's not cooperating. bastard. i wish it had an ass i could kick.

foulness becomes me. i'm falling into a rut. i actually finished all my day-to-day work and had time to peruse my new software handbooks that arrived today. of course, my boss was pissy because he thought i was being unsocial. i was. i'm not in a bad mood, i'm just not up to social niceties right now. for cryin' out loud folks, the fact that everyone in the office is still living should be good enough for you! lmtfa. let me wallow in my foulness, my comfort zone, my zen.

i know what it is. i'm halfway to another birthday, the holidays are looming and i'm dealing with the same shit i deal with every year. another year older, nowhere near where i want, and looks like it's gonna be me and the cat for the rest of my life. i love the holidays, long as i can keep the demons at bay. this year will be fun with dad around.

i did a very grown-up and responsible thing Friday night. I did NOT go to my daughter's hs football game, playing in a local town. Why? It was best for humanity. I wanted to - she's in the flag corp. She's fun to watch; she always has such a sparkle about her. Captain Crazy was there. His son plays. this i did not need to see or be around. i fought the urge all day and into the evening. do i/don't i? should i/shouldn't i? ignore him/slap him. yea. it was a very amusing conversation running through the brain. and of course this upcoming month holds an anniversary which for the life of me i try to forget and for fuck's sake it never happens.

junior is dealing with her own stressland right now. back to school, 2 jobs, roommates who are obnoxious, lazy, and piggish. she's trying to find a way to get away from them. of course, she hasn't learned the art of social engineering yet, and tends to be a bit outspoken without tact. *sigh*

i need to go, travel, run, somewhere. anywhere. i need an adventure. i need a haircut. i need to lose 60 pounds. i need thoroughly laid.

well, least i have my cat.

who likes my dad better. *cries* i wouldn't have been sure before, but i am truly glad my father is here. he is the epitome of crotchety; a hermit to the fullest, but just so damn fun. he has stories, and talks of nature, animals, history, poetry, politics, mechanics, metallurgy, and guns. he shows me his rifle collection, recalling matches, proudly pulling out the match targets with 5 holes within a 1/2" radius, done with a 1943 browning with iron sights. it is a magnificent work of art.

i listen to his stories, mesmerized by the lilt of his voice. i am transported back to seven, all curled up on the couch listening to him read, hanging on every word. *sigh* he's the coolest.

i do have to say, i'm glad the bailout didn't make it... seriously, people need to take responsibility for themselves, their positions, and buckle down. yea, it might be hard, but i've done hard. might do some of them some good. it's a painful lesson to learn about living within your means, but it sure sticks with you. and i have enough of my own damn bills to pay - i don't want to support someone else's bad habits. but hey, if some people wanna bail 'em out, let THEM pay for it. those banks wouldn't loan me money anyway, so let the ones to whom they DID lend help them out. here's a thought: pay back the money you borrowed. THAT might help take the financial crunch away...

blah blah blah. like i'm a frickin' financial wizard. i can balance my checkbook, and i can stretch a dollar, and i can live on macaroni and butter if i need to do so. nobody pays for my mistakes...

foul foul foulfoulfoul. heh.

enough for one night... venting is good... i must be coming back because i actually felt like writing. babbling. spewing forth gibberish. yea, i know. wanna be philosopher intellect.

bite me.

1 comment:

Wien. said...

It must be in the air. I'm there too.