23 December 2007

Reflections on a Midnight Clear...

As I sit staring at the lights on my tree (yes, i've SEEN a taffy machine), my mind reflects over the past year, the obstacles, and the triumphs. I marvel at how different I feel than last year, and the steps I have taken.

I have been homeless (ok, not exactly COMPLETELY homeless), moved twice, lived through storage, lived through sexist pigs at work, and countless stupid escapades by my oldest daughter.

I have fallen behind in my studies, struggled to make sense of working at a job I really don't like, and have overcome some of my social anxieties. This is the first year I have not felt like slitting my wrists or stepping in front of a train. (Which, btw, would be relatively easy since there is a switching track 100 yards from my drive.)

There's been so much moving so fast, I lose track of time, hours, days. I am no longer a complete hermit, although I can see it coming soon if I don't watch myself. Ok, not really. I have been home less in 2 months here than I was in 4 years at the last place. Ok, time-wise, I know that makes no sense. Reality, though, has me out and about and I r now teh soshal qween.

I have been doing Colorama on Friday nights.... for those more socially elite than I, this is bowling for dollars. I went the first night with one of the bosses from work, who is related to the owners of the bowling alley. I knew no one. I now have my own little "team of misfits" with whom I meet every week for some competitive fun.

Every Thursday after work, a bunch of the yard guys, rail guys, and anyone else who wants to hang out, stays after work in a gathering we fondly refer to as "Thirsty Thursday." One of them will do a beer run, everyone pitches in a few bucks, and we all hang out, shoot the shit, and have a cold one or two. (Or more, depending on how unhappily married some of them may be.) Anyhow, I have now been christened "One of the guys" and have been shown how to spit, although I did draw the line at farting and scratching myself. Some days a few of them will bring in their atv's, or pull a vehicle into the shop and work on it. Ahh, shades of high school coming back to me. I behave. I have one, maybe two at the most, and then head home. I've been told by the rail guy no flirting allowed since I'm one of them. *giggle*

I have been fighting illness for the last few days... basically, I feel like a bucket of fuck. Hey, let's not just get a severe head cold; let's start our PERIOD as well. Stellar. I've been hibernating on the couch until this afternoon. My youngest daughter calls me, and tells me she's coming over with her oldest sister to celebrate our Christmas. Her grandmother is having the get-together on Christmas Day this year. It's my holiday, but of course the kids will be there. So I have been cordially invited to my exes' parents' for holiday celebrations. Fabulous.

Anyhow, I get up and clear the fog from my head. The wind is howling outside; it's really been vicious all day. I clean up the kitchen and get some stuff put away. (seriously, I have been a lump for 2 days.) My youngest girl gets there first. We chit-chat (she was formally inducted into the National Honor Society this past Thursday morning. *pride*) and catch up on lots of stuff. Meanwhile, we're making cookies and cheese-balls. Then the oldest girl comes in, and we catch up on her latest drama while we frost the cupcakes. *smile* It's fun. I ask why today - they tell me... "We ALWAYS have our own celebration."

The girls stepped out to do "teenage girl things." My son called to let me know that he's doing ok, and that they've moved out of his dad's girlfriend's house. I don't know the entire story, but it involved some yelling and ugly stuff, so they decided it was best to go. He's happy, and they're ok, so I guess I'll just let it be.

So now the house is once again quiet, and I'm sitting here with my stuffy nose keeping me company, waiting on the kids to return. It has been a beautiful day. I am safe, warm, surrounded by those dearest to me, and at peace with myself for a moment.

To all of you and yours, have the merriest of Christmases and the happiest of New Year's... if you do not celebrate those, have the best whatever-it-is you have. Be safe, be happy, and live love. And above all, never forget those serving who protect all those things we hold so dear.
special greetings to certis, wien, steph, the dead captain smack, george, and rsm...
miss b


Spiky Zora Jones said...

Fabulous story sweetie, I miss my sisters and mother most on the holidays. God you brought back wonderful memories.

I'm trying to make memories for my boys...like this.

Have a Merry Christmas and A fabulous New Year...it was nice of you to drop by my blog. :D

Miss B said...

ahh, spiky, the only bad holidays i've known are the ones in my mind where i think it's never been "enough" for the kids. and they tell me they've never had a bad holiday because i always come up with "something" and they like the baking, making, and watching the lights. i didn't get a chance to plan much because of the moves and the disarray; they were adamant that we were having our own little get-together. it's the traditions and the memories they enjoy the most. your boys will too. 10 years from now they won't remember what they got; they'll remember how much they were loved. peace to you on these special days... *hugs*

Keshi said...

Merry Christmas Miss.B!

Hv a good one :)

George said...

Thank you sweetie ... your story brought a tear to my eye ... actually many tears ... you brought up stuff that I cannot do with my children because they're not old enough yet to tell their mother to f off and to come see me on their own. I saw them for about 90 minutes and really enjoyed them being here. I saw M and her in-laws for a couple of hours this morning ... the in-laws made it rather boring ... but my grandson was a lot of fun.

I hope your day was fabulous and the whole next year as well.


Captain Smack said...

It's so nice to hear that you're doing well, Ms B. It has been a crazy year, hasn't it? (Though I've only been reading here for about the last six months or so.)

Hope you had a great Christmas, and will have a wonderful new year.

Tater said...

Hope you feel better soon! And enjoy your holidays, I hope they're great!


Miss B said...

thanks keshi ~ I hope yours is wonderful!

hi george :) ahh yes, the in-laws... i have a story to tell, but not tonight... glad yours was peaceful

captain! *hug* crazy is my MO. *grin* same to ya... hope yours is super!

TATER~~~~ *muah* I never see you anymore *cries* Hope you and the Mrs have fabulous holidays! Did ya take her to Frankenmuth yet???