29 May 2007

Mommie Dearest?


What the hell is wrong with people these days? Don't get me wrong; there have been several times I wanted to kill one certain blonde, recent graduate *smile* :
when she was 3 days old, had her days/nights mixed up and I was bone-tired and imagined throwing her against the wall; when she swung at me and broke my nose (whole OTHER story); when I was getting at least monthly calls from the cops because she'd been busted at one thing or another and had to leave a good job.

I didn't. You don't. You SEEK HELP. I don't think insanity should play into it. If you were sane enough to fuck someone and make a baby, then you are sane enough to walk away, give them to someone for safekeeping, or make a phone call and have the authorities take over. Those children did not ask to be brought into this world, and we do not have the right to make the decision to take them out. If I want to go, fine... who am I to prevent them from having their own life?
Don't get me wrong, depression is an awful thing. I'm not talking about "man I look fat" or "my hair looks awful" depressed. I'm talking about the mind-numbing, don't-care-if-I-live-or-die, don't want to see anyone in the world depression that renders us incapable of doing even the most mundane things. (showering, changing clothes, moving from the same spot we've been in for days-literally) I've lived it. I still live it. It's worse seasonally. And mine comes on in the flash of minutes or seconds after months of cycling to the good. I learn the triggers, I learn what to avoid (and who) and I make morbid jokes (partly because of my twisted humor and partly because that's my help cry that my family and friends recognize when they need to step in) to get me through. I love Christmas; look forward to it every single year. This year 2 days before, I was ready to step in front of a train. It was devastating. And I've always been one to do what's needed because that's what responsibility is about. (First-born) There were very few (1) who knew how close I was, the rest had an inkling, but I'm pretty good at putting people off about it.
What a terrible future the sole survivor of this family has to face growing up with the trauma of this week. She doesn't deserve that. I hope she at least goes to a family who will love, care for, and treat her well.

Miss B


George said...

I am sorry to hear what you write on this one Miss B. I live in the same place you do and it is frightening at times. Severe major depressive disorder ... while I don't think of a train or gun ... I do have a plan (not that I am ready to act on it right now).

Be well Miss B

Miss B said...

hey george ~ good to see you...

we all have a dark place we go every once in awhile, don't we hon? one that others see the tip of, but can't fully grasp the depths to which we disappear inside ourselves. the world sees a very different me when i take those trips...

i've felt the sanity slip once, literally felt myself losing my mind. it WAS very frightening. i won't go back there again. it does, however, make it difficult to want to get close to anyone... i don't like seeing my dark side, don't know that i would want to put anyone else through that either.

thankfully, these only come round once or twice a year, or (in the case of this past year) loss of a job that i really love. weekends are rough if i'm not busy... i've always defined myself by my work, and days i don't work, i don't know what to do with myself. it's strange... the "busier" i am, the happier i am, even when i'm bone-tired and bitching. go figure.

i've talked about it, joked about it, but would i do it? there's an answer i hope i never have to find out... i keep telling myself i get up and go on because i wanna see what more stupid shit could possibly happen to me... ;) and there's always something, isn't there, love?

you start to slip, you get hold of me, you hear?


Steph said...

This made huge news down here too. How sad!

I too, don't understand the need to take others too if one decides to suicide, particularly if they're children.

It just doesn't make sense. I hope the surviving child has someone to care for them and can be allowed to grow up as normally as possible.

Miss B said...

well said, steph... i hope she does as well... i hate to think of the time when she hears the truth of what happened...