29 March 2007

Thank You Sir, May I Have Another? Not.

7 years on the road, and you see quite a bit from behind that big old windshield. Lot of scenery, little stupidity and usually someone making an ass of themselves.

Now, I'd heard stories before I started driving about things drivers would see while driving down the road. Hard to believe until you got up into the cab of the truck. Then, not so much... See, you can see pretty much a straight shot into a vehicle beside you because you are looking almost straight down at the vehicle. And there are people out there who have no shame whatsover. Seriously. I always knew when a good-lookin' (or even not so good-lookin') girl was coming up behind me, coz that's all those fool male drivers would talk about for miles. They'd go on and on about how maybe she'll flash 'em, look how short those shorts are, blah blah blah. After an hour or so, it really got old. So I'd mess with 'em. One driver would say "Wow look at blah blah blah comin' up in that green neon". So I'd pipe up "Where driver? I wanna see this!" Well that rendered them speechless for about half a second til some dumbass would pipe up about seein' two women together and the conversation IQ would drop about 47 points. Finally, I'd get tired of it and tell them, "Look fellas, it doesn't do anything for me. If I wanna see a naked woman, I'll stand naked in front of my mirror at home." So of course THAT started stupidity 'til finally some old school driver would tell them to grow up, put their pecker back in their pants and talk about something else. Then we'd move on down the road.

Now, I've heard tell of women flashing the drivers from their cars. I've heard tell of women drivers flashing other drivers from their trucks (not me - sorry folks, I worked for a good, reputable company - in fact I was the first and ONLY female driver they had ever had - so I wasn't about to embarrass them or myself.) and I've heard tell of men doing the same. Never saw it. And then one night I met up with Bucky.

Now Bucky was a good ol' boy from south Tennessee who drove a skateboard. That's a flatbed trailer for all ya'll civvies. I run up on him coming south in the Buckeye-uh, that'd be Ohio. He was headed home, I was headed to North Carolina by way of Tennessee. We got to yakkin about different routes and was puttin' our foot down (that's speedin' for all ya'll) and a couple other drivers runnin' with us got to talkin' about hooter shots. (If all ya'll don't know what those are, ya'll need to stop readin' right now.)

So anyhow, Bucky asks me if I ever had a guy flash me. I hadn't, I told him this. He was astounded. Grilled me for about 20 minutes over it.

"Are you sure? How long you been drivin'?" (5 years at the time)

"And you never had a guy flash ya?" Nope.

"I knew a girl only been drivin' 4 1/2 months and she sees it all the time." Guess I'm just not in the right place at the right time.

"Well, I'll be..." and on and on.

So we're movin' on down through Kentucky, pass the scale and it's about midnight or so. (My favorite drive time coz it's just the trucks and the open road.) Well, I'm runnin' front door (which I always do coz I had the Valentine) and next thing I know old Bucky's comin' up my back door.

"What's up man? You wanna run front door?"

"Nah. Just had somethin' for ya."

"Oh yea, what's up?" I shoulda known.

"Look over here." By now he's side by side with me. I look over, and there's Bucky, with his dome light on, cruisin' down the highway at 72 mph with his ding-dong hangin' out, one hand on the wheel and one hand on his gear. He's just a yankin' and a tuggin' away with a big ol' goofy grin on his stupid ass face.

Now, I'm all of 5'2. Which means, I don't set up very high in the seat, and if I'm looking at another truck, I usually don't see over the window frame where the door meets. Thank God. Coz this man looked like a beaver on vicodin havin' an enema. And I couldn't even SEE what he was tryin' so hard to show off. *sigh*

"Whatya think?" I'm thinkin' you're a fuckin' fruitloop, that's what I think.

"Ya like that?" I cannot even begin to describe how I feel about this. I may not sleep for a week.

"Hey man, um, thanks?!" What the hell ELSE was I supposed to say? He wanted so bad to flash me.

"You wanna see it again?" Oh for fuck's sake, I'd rather chew off my left foot.

"Nah man, that's ok. I appreciate it and all but we're on a lot of hills and dude, I've got 50,000 in the tank - that's 50,000 lbs of bicarb soda in my trailer - I need to watch the road... ya'll would just distract me."

So he went on up around me and I just let him 'coz I was doin' everything I could to NOT heave in my truck. It's damn hard to puke and drive at the same time.

Well, we drive on down the road in silence for aways, then about 20 minutes later, I notice he's slowin' down. I like to keep a constant speed coz with that much weight, it's tough to get goin' again when the momentum breaks. So I step out to go around him.

I get on up even with him and he has this spotlight he shines in my window, nearly blinding me, and I'm done.

"What the hell ya doin' man, you're gonna make me wreck my truck!"

"Aww, these are cool, you shine 'em down into the cars and you can see everything." Fucknut.

"Man, that was bright."

"I'm sorry... hey look." Well I already knew... dome light on, Bucky Beaver playin' with himself again. Only this time I'm on his left and of course I can't see over his door, but his reflection is in the windows of his cab.

"Man, you're gonna wreck your truck doin' that shit."

"Aww Miss Behavin', I just wanted you to enjoy the first time you ever got flashed." Raging diahrea was more pleasant than this.

"Thanks Bucky, 'preciate it. Ya sure know how to make a gal feel special." Like fuckin' crotch rot.

"How 'bout you turn your dome on and let me see you?" How 'bout you keep playin' with yourself and I move on down the road?

"No way, dude... I don't play those games... it's a good company and that's not my style."

"Wontcha even turn your light on and let me see what ya look like?"

"5'2, blonde hair, green eyes, little chubby, lotta fun... that's all you need to know." I never was one for turning on my light when people passed me or I passed them, it just wasn't cool. That way, they had a hard time finding me when I stopped for fuel and food.

"Hey I'm gonna stop up here for fuel, you wanna get some coffee?" Not just no, but Hell No.

"Nah man, I gotta be in southern NC by 8a, I gotta keep movin'. You'll be able to catch me on this little 2 lane coz I have trouble pullin' the hills."

"You sure?"

"Yea man, I got 3/4 tank, I don't drink coffee, and I gotta cooler full of water and soda, but thanks anyway. I'll see ya on down the road. "

"Alright. Don't get too far."

"Don't worry, you know how slow this thing is on the hills."

So he jumps off for fuel, and I push that little black single stack Mack as hard as she can go and put as much distance between us as I can. He never did catch me. I may play like my little truck couldn't pull the hills, but Miss B knows how to put on a show c'mon. ;)

So, let this be a lesson as you're drivin' down the road in your four-wheeler. We CAN see everything you're doin', and we DO talk about ya as we're drivin' by.

Miss B


Tater said...

Yuck! Hope that was the only time you had to go through that! Wonder what he'd say to a cop if he wrecked his truck?


Miss Behavin said...

I'm tellin' ya Tater... where are the gentlemen in this world??? I've never seen anything like it since. Of course, I've only been on the road sporadically since then... there are still the silly little boys who talk big, but they can be ignored by turning the knob all the way to the left til I hear it click. ;)

You'd be amazed at the things people do while driving down the road...

Miss B