The Mortality of Life... 2

Today I found out that someone who went to high school with my brother (and some other friends of mine) was killed in a snowmobile accident last night.

He was from a money family; married his high school sweetheart; had two boys. Charmed life, or so it seemed. His wife is pretty nice, and I'm sure that after twenty years with someone, it's going to be a difficult transition to raising children alone.

This is the same fella who, while I was walking down the street listening to my ultra cool walk-man tape of the Cars at seventeen, thought I couldn't hear him while he was yelling "Whore! Slut! Bitch!" at me. The apology came a couple days later, after my then boyfriend spoke with him and let him know that was unacceptable and would hold dire consequences should it happen again.

Should I feel bad that I don't feel anything? Empathy for her; sadness for the kids. And there it ends. My thoughts are with his family.

The Mortality of Life

Just got the news: one of the fellas who was a driver at two of the companies where I worked was in a very bad accident in his pickup truck this morning. After they pulled him out with the jaws, they had to life-flight him to the big hospital about 40 miles away. He is now brain-dead, and the family will be pulling life support tomorrow. He leaves behind two young children.

Life is much too short to not have family, and to be involved. The older I get, the shorter it becomes.

Here's hoping you're surrounded by people and love.

...is thankful for everyone she knows who has served, and everyone she doesn't know who is serving or has served. *hug* enjoy your day, heroes. it's all about you.

First Misstep on the road to me...

Chest pains.
Cold Sweats.
Nausea that won't go away.

This was my Tuesday...
Head to the med center. Apparently in town here one can only be sick between 8a and 8p.

Nice.

Off to the city to the ER. Fabulous. 45 minutes later (after they get all their insurance information and apparently want to see if I REALLY am going to die before they admit me) I get to a waiting room.

Where I wait.

For 40 minutes before the doctor comes in and ask the same questions I answered for the male nurse.

And the female nurse.

And the intake specialist.

Seriously? I'm glad I wasn't REALLY having a friggin' heart attack.

BP is a little high. Blood tests, ECG, and XRay. Fabulous. $2500 later, and I have a definitive non-answer.

I already know it's not the appendix - that's been missing for years.

Chest xrays are clear and pretty. Sweet.

Not a heart attack. (Ok, truly I am happy about this.) Cardiac enzymes are good-show no sign of any trouble.

Sugar is good - family history, it's checked often.

Liver enzymes; not so good. They're a little high. Off to do an ultrasound on the gallbladder. Yippee Skippee. Yep, it's there, it's black, and it appears to be functioning.

Results at the doc's on Monday... I wish the nausea would stop.

Next Steps in the Journey to Me

~> Get the extra "crap" out of the house. Clutter is making me crazy.
~> Get my ass motivated in my classes. I love them!
~> Get my ass motivated for my health. I'm not feeling "well."
~> Buckle down and get the extra little bills under control before they get out of control.
~> It's okay to do stuff for me - the kids are grown. It's my turn to live a little.
~> Seriously investigate the business I want to start. I'm educated, experienced, and motivated enough to do it. I've done this before. I'm not afraid to do it again.
~> Make my travel list. I can travel alone. It's not unheard of.
~> Forgive myself of my past. Really. It's time to let go of the lost opportunities.
~> Open up. It's time to start trusting people again. I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Phew. Easier to make excuses.

Why Not?

Change is difficult

Change is going to be risky

Change will take a long time

There will be family drama

I don’t deserve it

It’s not my nature

I can’t afford it

No one will help me

It’s never happened before

I’m not strong enough

I’m not smart enough

The "Rules" won’t let me

I don’t have the energy

Personal Family History

My parents were divorced

I’m too busy

I’m scared

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Bull.
Shit.

None of the above.

On with life...

life, continued...

ugh, don't even get me started about wireless routers and the pain in the ass therein to re-connect to the cyber world.

however, i am now live. and life is changing rapidly again...

another one out of high school and into college. am i to feel responsible for footing the bills? i will provide home and means, but the education is their baby. they can't fully appreciate what they don't have to work for - i sure didn't 'til my ass had to pay for mine.

a prodigal son returns home. (and his father wants to reconcile but that's a whole other story)

i am happily discovering my own life. and sadly dealing with my personal failures. does the shame ever completely disappear? ahh well.

i've taken a hiatus from school, and now back full force. i AM worth doing something with myself.

time for a reconstructive change... look for the updates - out with the old - yadda yadda yadda.

tater, dude, if you're out there, i'm still around... 2 years and i'm comin' down to hit the boat with you & the missus.

off to study.

*hugs*