Miss Behavin - Behavin as Usual

The Mortality of Life... 2

2010-02-27T16:59:00.003-05:00

Today I found out that someone who went to high school with my brother (and some other friends of mine) was killed in a snowmobile accident last night.

He was from a money family; married his high school sweetheart; had two boys. Charmed life, or so it seemed. His wife is pretty nice, and I'm sure that after twenty years with someone, it's going to be a difficult transition to raising children alone.

This is the same fella who, while I was walking down the street listening to my ultra cool walk-man tape of the Cars at seventeen, thought I couldn't hear him while he was yelling "Whore! Slut! Bitch!" at me. The apology came a couple days later, after my then boyfriend spoke with him and let him know that was unacceptable and would hold dire consequences should it happen again.

Should I feel bad that I don't feel anything? Empathy for her; sadness for the kids. And there it ends. My thoughts are with his family.

The Mortality of Life

2010-02-26T21:30:00.002-05:00

Just got the news: one of the fellas who was a driver at two of the companies where I worked was in a very bad accident in his pickup truck this morning. After they pulled him out with the jaws, they had to life-flight him to the big hospital about 40 miles away. He is now brain-dead, and the family will be pulling life support tomorrow. He leaves behind two young children.

Life is much too short to not have family, and to be involved. The older I get, the shorter it becomes.

Here's hoping you're surrounded by people and love.

2009-11-11T05:44:00.000-05:00

...is thankful for everyone she knows who has served, and everyone she doesn't know who is serving or has served. *hug* enjoy your day, heroes. it's all about you.

First Misstep on the road to me...

2009-07-23T16:47:00.003-05:00

Chest pains.
Cold Sweats.
Nausea that won't go away.

This was my Tuesday...
Head to the med center. Apparently in town here one can only be sick between 8a and 8p.

Nice.

Off to the city to the ER. Fabulous. 45 minutes later (after they get all their insurance information and apparently want to see if I REALLY am going to die before they admit me) I get to a waiting room.

Where I wait.

For 40 minutes before the doctor comes in and ask the same questions I answered for the male nurse.

And the female nurse.

And the intake specialist.

Seriously? I'm glad I wasn't REALLY having a friggin' heart attack.

BP is a little high. Blood tests, ECG, and XRay. Fabulous. $2500 later, and I have a definitive non-answer.

I already know it's not the appendix - that's been missing for years.

Chest xrays are clear and pretty. Sweet.

Not a heart attack. (Ok, truly I am happy about this.) Cardiac enzymes are good-show no sign of any trouble.

Sugar is good - family history, it's checked often.

Liver enzymes; not so good. They're a little high. Off to do an ultrasound on the gallbladder. Yippee Skippee. Yep, it's there, it's black, and it appears to be functioning.

Results at the doc's on Monday... I wish the nausea would stop.

Next Steps in the Journey to Me

2009-06-29T18:38:00.002-05:00

~> Get the extra "crap" out of the house. Clutter is making me crazy.
~> Get my ass motivated in my classes. I love them!
~> Get my ass motivated for my health. I'm not feeling "well."
~> Buckle down and get the extra little bills under control before they get out of control.
~> It's okay to do stuff for me - the kids are grown. It's my turn to live a little.
~> Seriously investigate the business I want to start. I'm educated, experienced, and motivated enough to do it. I've done this before. I'm not afraid to do it again.
~> Make my travel list. I can travel alone. It's not unheard of.
~> Forgive myself of my past. Really. It's time to let go of the lost opportunities.
~> Open up. It's time to start trusting people again. I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Phew. Easier to make excuses.

Why Not?

Change is difficult

Change is going to be risky

Change will take a long time

There will be family drama

I don’t deserve it

It’s not my nature

I can’t afford it

No one will help me

It’s never happened before

I’m not strong enough

I’m not smart enough

The "Rules" won’t let me

I don’t have the energy

Personal Family History

My parents were divorced

I’m too busy

I’m scared

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Bull.
Shit.

None of the above.

On with life...

life, continued...

2009-06-08T19:28:00.003-05:00

ugh, don't even get me started about wireless routers and the pain in the ass therein to re-connect to the cyber world.

however, i am now live. and life is changing rapidly again...

another one out of high school and into college. am i to feel responsible for footing the bills? i will provide home and means, but the education is their baby. they can't fully appreciate what they don't have to work for - i sure didn't 'til my ass had to pay for mine.

a prodigal son returns home. (and his father wants to reconcile but that's a whole other story)

i am happily discovering my own life. and sadly dealing with my personal failures. does the shame ever completely disappear? ahh well.

i've taken a hiatus from school, and now back full force. i AM worth doing something with myself.

time for a reconstructive change... look for the updates - out with the old - yadda yadda yadda.

tater, dude, if you're out there, i'm still around... 2 years and i'm comin' down to hit the boat with you & the missus.

off to study.

*hugs*

Guess what I got for my birthday???

2009-03-31T12:06:00.002-05:00

Yep...

my frickin' period.

Sweet.

On the up side - Bandido's tonight... Cozumel Caliente!

Charleston was wonderful - more on that later... back to the grind.

Doin' the Charleston...

2009-03-26T18:46:00.002-05:00

headin' south for a mini-vacation and a college day for Pickle...

woohoo!

I am SO needing a vacation. I was running on super-bitch at the office this morning and just the act of my boss breathing was pissing me off. It was amazing.

So I'm going to be hangin' out with Pickle, and we're gonna pick up Squid for the weekend, and who knows? Maybe there will be some awesome Navy fellas down there who need some Miss B time. *wink* Daddy was a Navy man; I'm so partial! lol

Half the fun is the trip... I'm lookin' forward to the cool night air, the radio playin' softly and not having to worry about a frickin' thing but the traffic on the road.

Have a wonderful weekend! The jeep is callin' my name...
Miss B

Perfect

2009-03-17T17:53:00.003-05:00

Ahhh the joys of parenthood. Nothing like seeing the look on your child's face as she screams she hates you.

Nothing like hearing the sibling basically not care because she's too busy in her own little world.

And I step back, watch it all fall apart, and do nothing. It is not my lesson to learn. I have this one pretty well down.

I have talked, yelled, listened, hurt, and given all I have.

There is now only time.

file another one under lost weekends...

2009-03-15T20:27:00.003-05:00

your body cannot handle any alcohol whatsover.
you cannot have just one drink.
you cannot have more than one drink.
you are poisoning yourself, and everyone around you. family, friends, boyfriend.
you cannot expect him to stay while you are screaming at him to leave.
you cannot keep him from leaving if you ask him to stay and he says no.
you cannot make him want to stay, or love you, when you are so hurtful.
you will not make him want to stay by following him around and creating disturbing scenes.
he is not your father; stop treating him as if he is so.
you are not his mother or his child. he wants an equal.
quit testing him. you will lose.
you are not four. your tantrums are no longer cute. you look like a fool.
you will not come into my home and mistreat me, my father, or him. it will not be tolerated.
you were not raised to act in this manner. quit disgracing yourself.
you are not the center of the universe.
if you want us to listen, you better open your ears.
do not ask me for advice, then do the exact opposite less than one minute later.
if you want to be respected as an adult, then you will respect us as adults.
you cannot expect to keep your job if you keep acting in this manner, or get arrested. they will not allow you to work in this field.
you cannot relieve stress by getting obliterated. it causes more stress.
enough with the "poor me" bullshit and suicidal threats. really. you do not want to lay that guilt trip on anyone. and if I hear you, you WILL be admitted. I have that power.

seek.
therapy.

love
mom

Mercy

2009-03-06T01:09:00.002-05:00

You wanna know how I roll? Well, lemme tell ya...

Last week, I paid off my credit card, and for the first time ever, got new furniture. I brought it home Sunday. I should have known better.

Monday. Lunchtime. Off to the gym to work out with the girl from the office. I pull around to stop in front of the building, and keep rolling. The pedal goes to the floor. When I finally stop, I get out, and there's fluid leaking from behind the front right tire. wtf?

So I take her back to the office, pull around and slow down to a crawl because I don't want to push out all the fluid. She has to open the door while we're moving and shuffle out of the way in time for me to maneuver around a trailer parked up front. I head over to the shop and ask them to take a look at it.

Back at the office, I get a call from the shop foreman. It's a brake line. (really?) They won't have the part until the next day. I can take a loaner car home for the night. Fine. At least I'm not without a way home and back to work.

1993 Buick Le Sabre. Or, better known as "Low-Rider Boat." I say low-rider because A) it sits much lower than my jeep and 2) I can't figure out how to adjust the seat forward so I'm laid out hangin' on to the steering wheel for dear life because that's the only way I can reach the pedals. Ever seen those little old ladies driving the big cars that look through the steering wheel? Now you know why.

Next morning, I wake up with serious aches in my chest. Like a chest cold without the cold. I have trouble breathing, am coughing a lot, but no fever, throat doesn't hurt, and I generally don't feel bad. It just hurts like a bitch to cough.

Shop foreman calls me... parts won't be in today. Keep the loaner. Argh. Fine. I'm in so much pain, I don't care. I end up going to the doctor because I tend to have a lot of trouble with respiratory issues from when I was young.

I get in there (six pounds lighter than the last time I was in - woo hoo!) and the doc tells me everyone is coughing. Fine. Just because you have a student doctor following you around doesn't mean I won't tell you to stop being an ass. I explain the no fever, no sore throat, etc... thing, and he double-checks my blood pressure, which apparently was pretty whack when the nurse took it. She wouldn't tell me what it was. When he took it, it was 120/95... bad bottom number. I had not yet taken my meds that day, and he said it was coming down so when I took the meds it should be better. Either way, he ordered chest xrays. Typical. I'm fine with that. Surprise, though, while the films are developing, he's ordered an ECG. So I go into another little room, hook up to all these wires and wait. The nurse tells me to lie still, don't move. I ask if I'm allowed to breathe. She laughs. Yes. Hey, just clarifying. I've not had one of these done before. After a few minutes, she comes over, says we're all done and starts yankin' wires. Ow. She takes me back to the room, and takes about 2/3 of my blood in many large vials (vampire convention in town this week?) and we test for thyroid, sugar, cholesterol, etc... I wait.

White blood count comes back 6500. Doc says that's normal, and indicates that I'm not fighting anything in particular. XRays show lungs are clear. yay. ECG is mostly normal, although I have #((($))*!&$. Yea, I didn't catch that either 'coz it was a big word that I hadn't heard before and that was when my cough decided to stage a coup. I asked him what that meant. Basically, my heart slows down. Hmmm. Not his biggest concern at this point. Guess it's not life-altering yet. It is non-viral bronchitis with a pinch of pleuresy thrown in for good measure. Brought on, most likely, from second-hand smoke from my father, daughter and her boyfriend, and working in a grain facility with lots of dust.

So, doc gives me a 3pack antibiotic with pills larger than most men, one of which they want me to take immediately. Nasty fuckers. They also give me some really yummy cough syrup with codeine so as to make me sleepy and rest better. btw, it does not make me sleepy, nor does it make me sleep better. Annnnd, it is not yummy. Armed with those and advil, I'm off.

I head back to work. I think. I make the last turn onto the road on which our plant lies, and the brake pedal goes to the floor. No, I'm not kidding. I just bypass the office and pull up straight to the shop. I get out, and underneath the right front side is a newly forming puddle. If you look closely, you can see the trail. No frickin' way.

I leave word with the receptionist, and let them know I'll be back later for another loaner, and head back to work. Later that day, I go back over, and the foreman asks me what the hell it is with me and brakes. Look dude, I don't know what the deal is, this is some crazy shit. He says this is the last one; if I mess up the brakes on this one, I don't get another vehicle. I just laughed and told him to fix my damn jeep.

No troubles with the second loaner. Well, nothing mechanical. This was a full-size pickup truck. About three times the size of my jeep. I decide to back into the driveway at home because we're at the very end of a dead end street, and sometimes parking is crowded. I'm not going to fight trying to back around cars I cannot see. I back into my drive, think I've done pretty well. Then I get out, walk around to find that I still have well over a car length behind me. My daughter laughed at me. It was pretty sad. I told her I didn't know how to back up something that big that didn't have a trailer that swung the opposite way... and I was sick, so get off me already.

Today at work, I'm in so much pain, I can barely breathe. It hurts to laugh, cough, breathe too deep. Swell. My throat is raw from coughing so much, but it's not sore. Weird. I feel like if I cough really well, I should feel better. Wrong. I could only feel better if I hack up a lung. Which feels like a very distinct possibility at this point.

I took the third and final pill today. Whatever is in there is dying a slow, horrible, painful death. Know how I know? Because my ass burns from going to the bathroom all the time. I'm dehydrated, and I feel like I've been beaten from my chest to the bottom of my ribs. I shall soon have to wear a super-size pad backwards to cradle the hemmorhoids that will soon be making their debut. You know that involuntary clenching your body does when you feel the contraction all over, but nothing comes out except the sweat from your brow? Yep, multiply that by four. What progress we've made when the cure is worse than the ills. I keep breaking out into coughing fits, and it seems like a little more is coming up, but not much. I may be done with the pills, but they supposedly are super-doses and continue to work for another 4-10 days. great. Needless to say, I have not been working out at lunch this week. I could easily see me collapsing on the monster. My ass is still the size of Montana, and working steadily towards Texas with this week-long break. Always something.

Oh, and let's not forget that throughout this ordeal that started 3 days ago and the jeep breakdown, I am on my PERIOD.

That'll teach me to ever buy new furniture again... dumbass.

Sweetness...

2009-03-01T18:02:00.002-05:00

I have realized two of my goals this weekend... neither of them being getting my FRICKIN' homework done.

I have paid off my credit card. In full. *happy dance* holy mother mary of jeebus did that take frickin' forever. I always paid much more than the balance due, usually the monthly charge and interest (which alone is more than they make you pay) and another large chunk. I did not use it haphazardly. Long story, before the *TOAB let me go (like two weeks before) I had reserved a cabin in Tennessee for a four day weekend along with reservations for some plays and a couple shows me and the kids wanted to see down there, plus food and "stuff" for the trip. Had I not lost my job, it would have been paid off within the month. She told me at noon on the DAY I WAS LEAVING FOR VACATION, so I couldn't cancel without losing it all, and it had been 3 years since we'd done anything. Rather than ruin it for the kids, we went ahead and I told them on the way home.

* Twat of a Bitch

So now that is done... awesome. I am. Don't hate.

And, finally (drum roll please) for the first time in my nearly 29+ years, have bought myself new furniture. I have never owned a piece of furniture in my living room that did not first belong to someone else, either friend or family. I am now the proud owner of a very large, and VERY comfy oversize, stuffed, cushy rocker/recliner in the toastiest red. It is absolutely yummy! And, somehow without even knowing, goes perfectly with the deep red stripe in the multi-tonal afghan my mother made for me several years ago. Stellar! *does the hoopdie*

Even more awesomeness, the toasty red chair is now the proud sibling of the sofa and loveseat in taupe. The legs on them are deep wood, and do you know how difficult it is to find furniture with removable cushions anymore? Guess who did? Guess? Uh-huh. 'Coz I'm bad, I'm bad. You go girl, it's your birthday. Well, end of the month anyways. *grin*

My poor old couch. The cushions were so threadbare I couldn't even take the covers off to wash them because they would not have survived. I could no longer flip and switch them in any order to make them presentable. I was embarrassed to have people in my home. But it was a little trooper. More like a Nordic Viking. It should be sent to sea in a burning boat. I was sad. And as I moved the new furniture in, it was so pathetic looking, I had to hug it.

Anyhow, two more off the list.

Ooh! I feel GOOD... da na na na na na... I knew that I would, yea... da na na na na na. So good. (bom bom) So good. (bom bom)

And I feel awful about spending any money on it. Junior told me it was crazy to feel that way. I had raised them, and had never had any new furniture. She said I deserved it. She wants the red chair. :) She does not understand the concept of always saying no to stuff for myself so I could deal with emergencies or make sure they had what they needed. I am lovin' being the parent of adult kids. I RAWK!!! So the guilt is lessend. But hey, it's PAID FOR and IT'S MINE. Score! I owe nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero. Uno minus uno. You're hating; I can sense it.

Ooh, mental note. Update the insurance policy. Good thinking, Miss B.

Alright, enough celebrating... time to finish my final so I can start two new classes tomorrow. yay.

Woo hoo!

2009-02-28T21:47:00.002-05:00

a little peace...

2009-02-24T20:14:00.002-05:00

ok... i've been skulking around, lurking on other sites...

of course, i've been putting off doing any of my homework; it's now finals week and i have about 7 essays that HAVE to be done by sunday... bleh. i keep trying to work on them and they keep getting pushed back for other stuff... fafsa's, senior year trips, junior drama, you name it.

on the upside, and incidentally NOT the reason i'm lacking in my homework, i have been anonymously blogging on another site. i know; don't hate. aside: i wonder if multiple blogs have contributed to the number of multiple-personality disorder cases? random thought.

i'm feeling a bit out of my element lately... i have a road trip looming at the end of next month (5 weeks... south carolina here i come!) and then a business trip 2 weeks later for a seminar *yawn* i am looking forward to the relaxation...

i've upped my weight workout by 10 pounds, and i am up to 10 minutes on the elliptical, which will from this moment be dubbed, 'the monster'. mwf i hit the weights and i still have my grandmother's arms, but i also now have a muscle line that divides the top from the gelatinous glob of underarm. sweet. bonus, i now only have 1.5 chins instead of 2. i do, however, still have an ass the size of montana.

after the weights, if the aggravating coworker who must follow me to the gym gets her annoying ass off the monster, i might get my ten in. otherwise, i ride the bike or walk/run on the treadmill for 15 minutes. on the other days, i walk/run for 30 min, maybe take 5 on the monster if tacwmfmttg isn't hogging it. and i do my ballet stretches to keep from tightening up like a twisted bread wrapper tie. and then, after tacwmfmttg goes into the shower room to change, i finish stretching and i do a cartwheel.

i know, it doesn't sound like much. but for someone who was in gymnastics and dance for 10 years, a cheerleader, basketball player, and workout freak for years, the fact that this fat little ass can even DO a cartwheel anymore is a miracle. believe me. you should have seen the first day. i looked (i'm sure) like one of those little kids who tries it for the first time and pretty much just went onto my hands, then flopped over and fell on the floor. and stayed there. for a long time. and pretended to stretch in case anyone walked in. it was pathetic.

it took me a week, but i can now do a cartwheel without falling down. it's still not pretty. annnnnnnd, i'm reasonably sure it may never be pretty again, but dammit, i can DO it. so get off me already. good gawd, is it not enough that i traumatize my poor dimpled ass every day with the monster? must i be perfect?

anyhow... back to the grind.

oh, and girl scout cookies. thin mints RAWK! ~tomorrow is weight day - must have carbs ;) ~

A True Friend...

2009-02-22T21:22:00.004-05:00

sent to me by my bestest girlfriend...

"May the crabs of a thousand whores infest the crotch of the people who fucked up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch it."

She so gets me.

surprisingly tacky, yet unrefined...

2009-02-18T23:24:00.002-05:00

most amazingly crude and least effective pick-up line used recently...

do you own a chicken farm?

'coz you sure know how to raise a cock!

heh. moron. i can raise them real good with my right foot, wanna see?

911 Upgrade

2009-02-18T03:01:00.000-05:00

thank you for calling 911. in order to better serve you, and in an effort to reduce spending, we have installed an automated answering system to more effectively route your calls. please choose from the following menu:

fire please press 1
- kitchen fire please press 1
- cigarette in bed fire please press 2

- personal vehicle fire please press 3
- person on fire please press 4
- house fire (2 bedrooms or less) please press 5

- house fire (3 bedrooms to 5 bedrooms) please press 6
- house fire (6 bedrooms or more) please press 7
- trailer fire just hang up. by the time we get there, it will be toast.

rescue please press 2
- cats please press 1
- children please press 2
- adults please press 3
-- elderly with heart condition please press 1
-- stupid adults who think they are still teens, please hang up, then grow up.
- car accident please press 4
-- 1 car accident press 1
-- 2 car accident press 2
-- 3 car accident press 3
-- 4 car accident press 4
-- 5 car or more accident, or accident involving 3 or more cars and a motorcycle OR 3 or more cars and a commercial vehicle please hang up and dial waste management at 555-1234
- commercial vehicle accident please press 5
- motorcycle accident please hang up and dial waste management at 555-1234.
- gunshot wounds please press 6
-- light grazing please press 1
-- foot or hand missing please press 2
-- face or stomach missing please hang up and dial waste management at 555-1234.
- stuck in elevator please press 7
-- stuck in elevator with pregnant woman please press 1
-- stuck in elevator with claustrophobic person please knock them out with fire extinguisher and press 2 for further instructions
-- stuck in elevator and have to use restroom please hang up and dial waste management at 555-1234.
- industrial accidents please hang up and call OSHA
- accidents involving men and power tools please press 8
-- for power tools 12 volts and less press 1
-- for power tools over 12 volts press 2
-- for power tools that result in missing limbs please hang up and dial waste management at 555-1234.
- accidents involving women and hair treatments please press 9
-- hair color incidents please press 1
-- hair removal incidents lower extremities please press 2
-- hair removal incidents upper extremities please hang up and call plastic surgeon at 555-4483

abuse, neglect, or strange sexual acts please press 3
- for child abuse press 1
-- for kids that really deserve it please hang up and we will forget you called
- for elderly abuse press 2
- for spousal abuse press 3
- for child neglect press 4
- for elderly neglect press 5
- for spousal neglect please hang up and dial 900-234-9915
- for s & m please hang up and dial 900-234-9915
- for objects lodged in orifices please press 6
- for strange objects lodged in orifices please hang up and call roxy at 555-2374

for seasonal accidents please dial 4
- skiing accidents press 1
- snowmobile accidents press 2
- motocross accidents press 3
- boating accidents press 4
- camping accidents please hang up and call your local forest ranger
- for bicycle, skateboard, or girls in too-high heels accidents please hang up and call funniest home videos.

for robberies press 5
- convenience stores press 1
- home press 2
- carjacking press 3
- banks please hang up and take your lumps

to replay this menu press 6
to hold for the next live operator please press 0

thank you for calling 911. have a great day! good-bye.

vd at its finest...

2009-02-14T22:48:00.002-05:00

valentine's day... fabulous. who in the hell thought up this holiday? wasn't st valentine a massacre? how did this get turned into a lovey-dovey bullshit holiday? don't get me wrong - it's great if you have someone you actually LIKE being around, but for those of us who are otherwise unencumbered, it pretty much sucks balls.

all around for the last week i've had to listen to everyone moan about what to get for someone else. my boss asked me to look at flowers online and then got pissy because the ones i suggested weren't what his wife might like. uhh, hellllo. i'm not your wife. how the hell would i know what she wants? you've been married to her for over twenty years and YOU don't even know what she likes. moron. i tell him to try something different, be original. he says i'm supposed to figure something out.

let's review. i don't DO valentine's day. i haven't done valentine's day for years. the only person i was even remotely interested in in the last few years is busy with his nose stuck up someone else's twat.

but, i digress...

i'm not anti-love or a hater. i just don't get all wound up over a day when i know all the next day i'm going to have to hear what everyone else got from someone, or watch the flowers roll in to work. *yak*

upside, i save money on good chocolate. score.

in the spirit of the "day of love"... courtesy of some friends who are just as twisted as i
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
so a queer walks into a gay bar and... ahh nevermind. you were there, you know what happened.

heard on the news someone checked into the psych ward wearing only a thong and riding a goat. i'll come and get you, but this shit has to stop.

teen girl to mom: "is it true babies come out where boys put their penis?"
mom: "yes, why?"
teen girl: "won't that break my jaw?"

q-what do you do if your ex is limping round in ur back yard, covered in blood, screaming?
a-keep calm, focus, reload and shoot again.

if a woman has sex with a man in a wheelchair and they do 69, is that meals on wheels?

a pimp tells his ho, "bitch cook me somethin that reminds me of how good i fuck." she says, "vienna sausage & minute rice comin' up."

a horny husband was helping his wife set up a password for her computer. he typed MYPENIS. she fell over laughing when it said ERROR, NOT LONG ENOUGH.

a girl is about to tie the knot, and she's watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. she asks her mom how she kept her dad happy after all those years of marriage. the mother throws a wad of dough on the floor, pulls up her dress, squats and picks up the dough with her snatch. her mom tells her to practice that and when she can do it, her man will be satisfied for the rest of his life. so she practices until the wedding. she comes out of the bathroom in a sexy nightie, carrying a can of biscuit dough. she opens the can, throws the dough on the floor, squats down and accidentally farts loudly. her startled new husband jumps out of bed and backs away from her. "what's wrong honey?" she asks him. he tells her, "dang woman - if that thing barks like that for a biscuit, i sure as hell ain't gonna throw any meat at it!"

Bailout

2009-02-06T18:34:00.002-05:00

Heard on the news that someone checked into the psych ward wearing only a thong and riding a goat...

I'll come and get you, but this shit has to stop.

Waves in the Bathtub

2009-01-30T20:53:00.003-05:00

Wow. Over a month since my last entry. How bizarre. From 2-3 posts a day to so few... life is moving at a quicker pace than I remember in a long time. Holidays over. Quiet this year. Yay.

Pickle hasn't been home much. We're now 18, so apparently we're taking full advantage of it. Kind of sad, but I guess we all go through that stage. Just seems like I worked so hard to finally get her home, and this is not where she wants to be. *sigh* ahh well.

On the other hand, Junior has come back to the nest. With fiancee in tow. Which is fine, because he's very pleasant and quite helpful. She, on the other hand.... *grin* She is down to one nearly full time job, and full time at school. He will be finishing up in March, and after she finishes her spring quarter, they will be moving down to the southeast in June. She wanted to be around here for all the big stuff for Pickle this year. It's been kind of fun having them around. Of course, parking becomes rather like a tetris puzzle, especially with the snow that hammered us over the last week. However, I am brushing up on my backing skills. lol.

They (being the kids) had cable installed. Yes, I know. It sounds impossible but I have not had cable or dish since I moved in here over a year ago. Actually, haven't had it for about 3 years. Never had time to watch it before, and just too busy catching up on things - it was an unnecessary expense. Thank Gawd. I am so addicted to the Military Channel, the History Channel, AMC, TNT and the frickin' cartoon network. We (as in me and dad) would watch dvds over and over. I love the music in The DaVinci code, Kingdom of Heaven and Underworld. I'm kinda likin' the political thrillers too. Shooter - awesome. I so want to be a sniper. Well, I did until I saw what the hell they had to go through at sniper school on a MC special the other night. I wouldn't make the walk from the truck to the field with my equipment and gilly suit! But it still would be awesome. I'm going to go with dad this spring to the gun club. We used to go all the time with him and mom when we were kids. We grew up around guns, as he loved shooting, and mom was a cop. It was just a way of life for us. He has a couple pretty incredible rifles. One is a 1943 Springfield, standard Army issue with iron sights. Put 5 in the SAME hole at 100 yards. We have the match paper to prove it. If you don't understand that, don't worry. :) If you do, you know how frickin' awesome that is for a non-scope rifle. Or even a scope rifle. I'm going to learn to shoot it again. I used to target shoot with handguns in junior high and high school. I miss it. Never really learned rifles. I guess I'll find out if I have the patience to do it.

College day this past week with Pickle at (one of) my old alma mater... what a completely cool walk down memory lane. I remembered when they put in a few of the buildings, told the little junior tour guide a few things SHE didn't know, and just had a wonderful day. Because, you know, it's all about me! ;)

We're going to take another one in March to the Carolina school. She wasn't sure she could 'coz she didn't know if we could afford it. My position is, if both schools are similar, and they have both accepted her, it would only be fair for her to see both of them and make a decision based on a true comparison. She was surprised. Meh. I did not take full advantage of my opportunities. Who am I to keep them down? My choices were mine; they need to explore their own worlds. Don't think I don't have jealous thoughts, though. I told Pickle she could have the house and the car, and I'd go back to school. :) She politely declined.

OOOOhhhh, she got a 1 on a Class A Choral Solo and Solo and Ensemble competition last week. Sweet. I can't wait until her dinner theater this year. She'll have a solo. And she has the lead in Guys N Dolls for the senior play. I'm stoked.

The accountant was in the office today to go over the first month-end/year-end with us. And I am awe-sooooome. 'Coz I understand what he was talkin' about. And we had very few adjustments. And the program came up with the same numbers he did based on his system. And we're gonna save moooonnneeey. 'Coz I am awe-sooome. I love my job. I work with computers, numbers, and problem-solving, and few people. And run the operational end of it. Successfully.

So successfully, I might add, that last week we had a meeting (we being me and the four owners) to go over progress with the new system, and where we stood. I had created some reports for production and daily dispatching that have helped. The production manager said it's made his job planning the line work much easier. The payroll is now done in 1 hour rather than 4. We have developed even more catch features to make sure that loads are not slipping through the system. We are in a position where I can hand my boss a report at any given time, accurate to the penny on the cost of our equipment, including all fuel, maintenance, insurance, and revenue generated and the cost of labor for each tractor and trailer. Did I mention it has been successful? :) Ahh yes. And they wanted to all be there at the meeting to let me know that they appreciated my efforts, and were pleased at how smoothly I handled the transition. AND that in my check this week was a bonus. $1000. Seriously. I just about fell out of my chair. The office manager (my boss' sister) said they felt I deserved that much just hearing my boss bitch all the time. *deadpan* "Only a grand? Have you HEARD him whine???" Truly, he is doing exceptionally well. He is using the system the way it is meant to be used, and it is working. He still gets a little nervous, but he runs through the screens, remembers where to find stuff, and looks like a little pro. I give him the thumbs up and tell him, "Good Job." All the time. And he hates it. A lot. So I do it. A lot. Because that's how I roll. *wink*

Then my boss gave my a card that he had written himself thanking me, with gift cards to Applebee's and Kohl's. $50 each. How cool is that? So of course, I called up M (my old boss and mentor) and took her out to eat, 'coz she's a large part of my success. I told her I want to be like her when I grow up. :) She laughed. I told her I was serious; she is an inspiration as far as professional women go, and if I had half her skills, I would be most fortunate. She's the bestest!

So of course, I wrote personal thank you notes (yes, handwritten - such a lost art) to all of them. To the office manager, I thanked her and told her how much I enjoyed working for her. Mostly because of her wicked sense of humor - which matches mine. To the production manager and his wife, I told them how wonderful and generous their family is. Oh, and he's ok too. She got a huge kick out of that! Now, my boss is always having me write up letters/emails, etc because he claims I have a "gift" for putting his thoughts into words. So, of course, I had to remind him of this on the thank you card, which read:

Thank you so much for the gift cards. Your generosity is overwhelming. (Insert more witty, prolific verbage here.) Much appreciated! Miss B.

He laughed. Phew.

Anyhow... busy with homework, busy with kids (who, btw, have been told that a condition of them staying here is that they MUST play board games with me once a week) and busy at work. I haven't been this happy in a long time.

Our bosses built a new building on the lot for meetings, gatherings and such. It also includes an area with gym equipment, free to all employees. Every day at lunch I go over there and walk, or bike, and work with the weights three days a week. They even included a surround-sound home theatre system (Bose) so we can listen to radio, cd's, watch dvd's or just tv while we workout. And there's a shower area. I am by no means anywhere near where I was 20 years ago *cries* but I'm feeling better. And I'm drinking more water. yuk. One of the office girls goes over with me. She's fun, but she's a talker. Always yakkin' about something. And I really like her, but STFU already. I try to turn the music up really loud. I know, I'm a heel, but it's less rude than putting on my mp3 player and ignoring her completely.

I can't do the elliptical yet because of the knee, but I alternate walking and jogging for 30 minutes on the treadmill. On the weight days, I also do a cardio workout on the bike. Yea, these are high-tech, professional level pieces of equipment. Did I say I love my job? Actually, the goal is to just get the blood pressure down enough to come off the medicine. I'm on a very low dose, because it's borderline, so if I drop some weight, I believe it will take care of itself.

Crazy dreams the last few weeks. Many with Captain Crazy in them. Real. Wake up and believe he's been there real. Disturbing. Not sure why those thoughts are showing up now. They were gone for a long time. I hate when the past creeps up and interrupts our daily life. Hopefully they shall pass again.

And Mr M, forgive me. I miss talking to you, and I have received your messages. I hope you will understand that with your current relationship so public, and obviously moving into a more serious realm, that I am uncomortable. It's not that I don't enjoy your company; I always did. I'm just not one to spend time with someone just because they are there, or talk about personal stuff, or let someone into that space that is mine, especially if there is no future in it. I truly wish you and your lady-friend the best. It's great to see happy people together. I'm still hoping to find mine out there, so I best keep moving forward...

And thus ends the ramble... how was YOUR month?

~~ jolly holidays ~~

2008-12-21T20:37:00.002-05:00

Where to begin? Holy moly.

Software went live December 1. On time, on budget, and kickin' ass. My days have gotten shorter (a little) and there have been a couple days a week I actually leave work at 530. Sweet. Score 1, Miss B.

Went to see my son in western Kentucky Saturday. Love that 6 hour drive. Actually, it was a pretty nice trip. Cruisin' along, lookin' fly in the Liberty, stopping to pee every 2 hours because I'M FRICKIN' OLD. And the blood pressure medicine kicks in... however, as always, there are fun stories from the road. Like... pulling off to grab a bite to eat and taking 20 minutes to get from the off-ramp to the FAST-FOOD place HALF a MILE down the road. To find that I'm in a not-so-good neighborhood. To having the very polite young man at the window ask me to please back up behind the marker pole because they just got a huge order and don't want to throw off their timer because I'm sitting there waiting. Sure, buddy, no problem. Just WAVE to me through the window when you want me to pull up to get my FOOD. Dork.

Fun times at the boy's. We went to the roadhouse for steaks, did a little shopping, and back to his house to open gifts. Talked a lot. He quizzed me about the sisters' boyfriends - are they alright enough for the girls to be hanging out with, or should he beat them up? *smile* The girls got a chuckle out of that one!

Back to the house the next morning... it really IS an endless trip. But the weather was pleasant; the drive was uneventful, and I can't remember the last time I travelled for relaxation.

Fast-forward to Christmas Eve. Had to leave work mid-morning to !finally! get my MRI done on my knee. (Results on Monday) Back to work to finish out a few things, then on to the house to clean and cook and not finish wrapping presents because a couple of children of mine (who shall remain nameless but you KNOW who you are) did not call as they were supposed to before showing up. So we talked and laughed and snacked and exchanged gifts and watched "It's a Wonderful Life" and passed out. It was a great night. I am blessed with great kids.

Christmas Day was quiet; pleasant. Watched old movies with Dad, who is fighting a cold. He was down for a couple days - it worries me to see him tire so easily. I remember him with much more vigor. *sigh* Talked to mom, my brother and his wife, and my favorite niece. The kids were off to other celebrations this day so the house was all mine. Fabulous!

The day after - ugh - back to the office. The mood was fairly festive, but I was ready to get out of there and enjoy my weekend. A pleasant surprise when I arrived home - my younger daughter and her fella were there relaxing. They watched a couple movies and came out while I was surfing the web, looking for certain old movies.

Pickle: "Whatcha doin?"
Me: "Surfin'... why?"
Pickle's fella: "We have somethin' to tell ya..."
Me (noncommitally, without turning around) "Tell me, or ask me?"
Pickle's fella: "Kinda both."

I slowly turn around in my chair, face them, watch as they stand there draped around each other fidgeting.

*practiced impassive mom look* "K."
Pickle: "Well, Squid has asked me to marry him.... and I have accepted."

*blink*
"Hmm. And after I told everyone at work no worries, no ring, just a blackberry phone for Christmas."

Pickle giggles. "Sorry mom."

~and the inquisition begins~

"When?"
At Squid's parent's Christmas celebration. (He dropped the ring; he was nervous.)

"Have you told your grandparents?"
Not yet, you were the first one after the parents. We did ask the grandfather's blessing, but they do not know for sure.

Hmmm.

Sister?
No.
*PLEASE let me be there for that one... we know how much she LOVES Squid.*

College?
Still going.
mm hmm.

Navy?
Yep, they still own me for 5 more years.

Would you like to see the ring? (OMG - I didn't even ASK her. I am such a horrible mom.)
Of course.

Beautiful. Round stone with 2 emerald cuts on the side. It had belonged to his great-grandmother; it was his through inheritance. It is extremely sentimental.

Pre-marital counseling? Classes on budgeting and financing? Practical savings?

(I am SUCH a wet rag.)

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Well, then, I'm happy if you're happy.
No you're not.
That is not true; but you're disappointed in my reaction?
A little. I expected it though.
Why?
His side is the emotional, happy side. We're the logical, planner side.

*sigh* i'm really not doing a bang-up job at the mom thing tonight.
I apologize; this is a great moment.

Will you help me plan it?
*blink*

Absolutely. (Like I know what the hell I'm doing.) Buahahahaha. But I shall support her, because if my children have nothing but love and someone with whom they can share happy moments in a not so happy world, who am I to tell them no? They need to know that not all men are their fathers. And Squid has a good start.

So I give her a hug and it's off to bed. Head spinning. She's no longer a child. *bawl*

Up bright and early today... my mom calls. We exchange family news and I fill her in on the news. Oh my. College? Grandparents? (We are so from the same cloth.) I tell her about my not-so-stellar reaction. She assures me it will pass and how cool it is that I get to help with the plans.

Meanwhile, Pickle gets up and comes out, and I pass on the congratulations from grandma. She lights right up and says thanks. So we decide to go to the mall and look around for some books on wedding planning and what to expect. We call her older sister and ask her to meet us for lunch. Of course, it's only proper that we include her in this. :) And the excitement is in the air from there.

So we get there, and Pickle tells Junior to look at her gift from Squid, then proceeds to show her some new shoes he got her. I giggle. Then Pickle tells her to guess what else she got, and Junior says "Let me see it" while grabbing for her hand. And then there were some squeals and hugging and 100 mph jabbering all the way to the cars. Holy cow I'm tired watching them.

So we go to the mall and run into a local store just to look at prom style dresses to get ideas of what type of dress she may want to put on her bridesmaids. The color is royal purple, and he shall be in his dress whites. I cannot believe what passes for homecoming and prom dresses these days. She finds a style she likes and says it would be cool to find a deep purple with a lighter shade of purple inlay. And ten minutes later, we see them. Exactly as described, and amazing. Junior tries one on to see how they look. Pickle is in love with them. (She has already decided on the wedding party.) We find a slightly different style dress for the maid of honor, and Pickle tries it on just to stand next to the other dress and see how they look together. It's perfect. It's amazing. It's difficult to pass up because they were on sale and exactly how she described what she wanted. What the hell. We got them. Junior paid for hers, and I paid for the others'. (They can just pay me for them instead of buying them.) This way they all match, and we have time to alter them if needed. (And of course, the wedding party girls are the same sizes as my girls, so the fit will be great.) They'll be cooler because they're made from lighter material, but they are formal enough for a wedding. Can't fight karma.

So, before I get roped into anything else today, we head on over to the bookstore. We find a pretty comprehensive planner with timelines, and charts, and it's spiral bound with pockets. And there are TWO of them. So we get both of them (so we can be completely coordinated, of course.*grin*) And another "helpful hints" book, and two bridal magazines (enOUGH already!) Then we head to Pizza Hut to grab lunch, and sit around and look at our treasure books and start making plans.

And then it's off to work for the two girls, and off to the house to take something for this raging headache that has sprung... and surf the net and read the books and make notes and plans and jot ideas.

phew

Oh my gawd. I have to lose 80 pounds. I will accept 60.

Tentative date - summer 2010. 1.5 year engagement. Plenty of time to plan. And shop. And get 2 more jobs.

We're sitting at the table at lunch, and it comes up about the fathers and the role they didn't play in the lives of the girls, and I notice an older lady across the way watching and listening and smiling at the excitement.

Pickle says to me that she's sorry that I have to be the one to take on most of the burden of the cost because she knows her dad won't help, and she'll try to make it inexpensive as possible. I glance up to see a thoughtful look on the stranger's face as I tell her, it's not her worry, and we shall do what we need. If we plan for it, and research early enough, we will be able to do whatever she wants. Do I care? No. I didn't have weddings. Every girl wants that special day; I remarked this to Squid on the phone one day. Give her a wedding. Don't let her just elope. She deserves that much. So he loped along, smiling and waiting patiently as we all searched and laughed and looked. He's great. He said at lunch that his hard part was over. I laughed and told him he WOULD be very involved in the whole process if he knew what was going to be good for him.

So. We have the informal formal engagement party on Jan 1 in the evening. Squid ships out on the 3rd. This will be me, her sister and fiancee, his parents/grandparents, her aunt & uncle/grandparents/great grandmother. The grandfather has been good about stuff. The grandmother is going to be a bit more difficult. Maybe I'm just being cynical, but I hope I'm wrong.

And that was my holiday in a nutshell... hope yours was merry if you celebrate, happy if you don't, and we're all looking forward to a bright new year.

The Lowdown...

2008-11-21T06:33:00.003-05:00

Work - 10 days 'til we go live with the software. *knocks on wood* everyone is catching on; the end of the month, beginning of the new system strategy is in place; it's so damn easy I wish I could start using it three weeks ago. Let's hope the transition moves smoothly. On the (surprising) upside - the neanderthal boss who prefers notebook and pencil is really coming along. He has made a concerted effort to learn the system and understand it, and I hate to say it (because it makes me sound like I had little faith in him - truth - about his abilities) but he is actually instrumental to the success of this project. I'm still doing 12-15 hour days to keep both systems moving and track testing scenarios, but I'm enjoying the OT while it lasts, and embracing the days when I can relax. What major project shall I undergo after this is finished? :)

School - argh. Lovin' my classes (Human Intel and Intel Analysis) and sooooo struggling to find the proper amount of time. Yet another reason I will love to get this upgrade out of the way. I truly missed my calling as a younger person. Think where I might be had I actually joined the Army with my Computer Science degree, and incorporated Intel back then... *sigh* dumbass

Personal - My knee is still giving me grief. Back to the doctor on Monday to decide if we need an MRI or a scope. The compression sleeve makes it hurt worse, but I've noticed more range of movement. Triple doses of ibuprofen need to stop. I'm still fat, and it hurts to use the elliptical machine right now, but I am determined to get this fixed. On the upside - I've been really good about staying away from the sweets (like torture) but this time of year and sugar od's do NOT mix well for me. Bright side - KICKASS haircut this week. Wowed everyone at work, and feelin' almost sexy and sassy. I love my hair. :)

Home - My house is a mess, I want to put my tree up NOW, I have eight thousand things that I don't HAVE to do, but probably NEED to do, and I try really hard to be organized, but life seems to keep getting its stupid ass in my way. My dad is feeling in the way (according to my mom) and I feel bad because I'm stretched so thin I am not as social as I'd like to be with him. He's such a realist, and straight to the point. If he means it, he says it. If he doesn't, he doesn't. He doesn't candy-coat things, and you always know where you stand with him. I'm much the same way. So how do you tell someone like that that you love having them around, and not because of the financial help? Which, really, it's not. I cash his checks for him and bring him home the money, and don't ask a thing from him. He's my dad. He changed my shitty diapers. And I'm gonna make him pay to live with me? Not. Besides, the history and political talks and the food preparation we share is fabulous!!! I need my dad, only twenty years younger in someone else.... buahahahahaha. He thinks he's getting in the way of me finding someone. Riiiiiight. When I'm ready, it will happen. For once, I'm content with me. If "he" comes along, GREAT - now I know what to do... If not, I have plenty to keep me busy. And, I have a cat. :P

If I don't get back this way, have a joyous Thanksgiving. Surround yourself with the people you love. If you're working, be thankful you are still. If you have a roof over your head and food on the table, even if it's macaroni and butter, be thankful you're still eating. Hug your kids, your parents and your significant other. Lots. And I wish you enough...

*hugs*
miss b

Hiatus

2008-11-11T10:12:00.004-05:00

It's that time of the year... swing time. *sits rocking in the corner sucking thumb, drooling*

I need to disappear for awhile 'til I get it back together. Too much fluff in the brain to handle right now, and the clouds are back. Not sure where it started, but it clicked today. I'm thinking it's a culmination of the knee injury, medium case of food poising, and too much sugar.

*hugs* to all my favorite veterans... and they are ALL my favorites. Thank one today - you may need them sooner rather than later.

Stay safe, stay warm, stay happy. Just because you haven't heard from or seen me doesn't mean you have not crossed my mind - I am not fit to be social right now. It's not that I don't care. I just don't care.

*pseudo-hugs*
miss b

what is wrong with this place?

2008-10-12T01:01:00.005-05:00

ok, my history of native americans class is really starting to annoy me. by annoy, i mean it makes me think about what our country has done with expansion over the past 200 or so years, and how vicious and vile the american people can be when they want something. by thinking, i mean weighing in my mind facts and coming to conclusions that are pretty unsettling.

hmm. we kinda suck as a people, don't we?

let's see... native americans, africans, WW1, WW2 begat by the treaty from WW1, and the sideways schemes to pull us into the second war. the list goes on, but i shall not.

let me say for the record, i love living in America, and revere the principles the founding fathers set forth. i do not, however, love some of the things we've done as a nation. does this make me a bad American? did the ends really justify the means?

it's no wonder so many people stick their heads in the sand. the truths are difficult to swallow, if they are even understood.

did i mention i watched Lions for Lambs? i had not yet seen it, so i rented it. stupid movie that makes you think. my dad had seen it, and did not tell me how it trailed along and ended. i shall pass along the same courtesy. it is, btw, very good.

bleh. too much thinking. i'm trying hard to pass classes and maintain at home while work continues to consume the better part of my days for the next 7 weeks.

ahh, to be back in the days of intelligence without intellect... children have it all in the palm of their hands. ignorance truly is bliss.

i have a cat.

help! i've fallen...

2008-10-01T17:00:00.004-05:00

and i looked like a class 'A' dumbass doin' it...

OMG

i'm on my way up to the fax machine to fax some invoices, reviewing them as i go. next thing i know, i'm airborne, with one of the office ladies yelling, "Oh my God!"

i'm on all fours, trying to figure out wtf just happened, and there's a group of front office people standing around me.

"Are you alright? Did you hit your head? Can you stand up? It sure looked like you hit your head. Just sit there for a few minutes."

so I sat. because my fat ass frickin' hurt. apparently I caught the edge of the mat with my sandal, propelled forward and (without dropping the invoices, I might add *smirk*) somehow managed to get my right arm up in front of me just a split second before i would have went head-first into the brass handle on a wooden cabinet door. of course, this stopped me dead in my flight, and gravity took over. from there, it was straight down onto both bent knees. nice. i'm just thinking to myself, "don't pass out, dipshit, you're on your period and you do NOT want to deal with waking up in the hospital knowing someone had to undress you in the ER. yea. this is my luck.

meanwhile, one of the office guys (who's a huge prankster) went in to the HR/Safety guy's office and told him i fell. he said, "yea, ok."

background: for the last month i have been tripping over the rugs in the office like crazy. for some reason the edges bubble up and i must have bubble-magnets in all my shoes. usually i just skip a step or two and i'm good. of course, i always tell the HRS guy i nearly killed myself and i should write up a first incident report of injury. he just laughs.

not today. today he tells me later he wasn't even going to come out when he heard it was me. he figured i put the prankster up to it and it took the prankster telling him, "no i'm serious" before he would come out of his office. he comes up front, sees me still sitting on the floor, and STILL thinks we're screwing with him.

mmm--kay... now i just want to get through this mortifying moment where everyone in the tri-county area has come up to see who got hurt, go back to my desk and lick my wounds. pride tastes like shit, btw. HRS guy says we need to fill out a report. i just look at him and ask him why bother this time?

so i hobbled back to my desk where i could feel everything starting to seize up in the air conditioning. fabulous. i'm trying to figure out how to gracefully put my left boob BACK into my bra without anyone noticing - yea, i went forward so fast and hard, i came out of my bra. oh for the love of all that's holy, just frickin' shoot me.

my boss was extremely upset. he was on the phone and didn't get to see it happen. asswipe. he said now that they knew i wasn't seriously injured that they were glad i wasn't hurt.

i told him, "so, what you're saying is you're glad i didn't get hurt because who would be here to do the shit work?"

"well, yea."

ugh. i was starting to feel it, and i was getting grumpy. no ot for me tonight. i was straight outta there at 5 o'clock.

on the upside, i got a fabulous haircut last night. nothing like a little salon pampering with christian to make a bad day better. he was amused by my story, made all the better because he kept dropping stuff.. 2 combs, a bottle of something else. we were picking on each other pretty good. heh.

then junior comes be-boppin in from college classes, and muscles in on my haircut time. hel-looo, you two... don't be talking about her haircolor strategy and cut options... this is about me. mememememe.

we finish up and head out into the mall, looking fabulous, of course. over to the pretzel place to grab a quick bite and sit and chat for a few minutes to catch up on the week... it was a very cool moment.

this morning, however, it was not so cool. my knee hurts so bad, i couldn't turn over in bed, and when i tried to get up this morning to use the bathroom, i ended up on all fours trying to figure out how i was going to get my silly ass up so i didn't pee myself in the middle of the floor. i've got a not-so-sexy limp now, and if i sit for any length of time, my knee locks. great. another day in paradise...

ms b rawks, but she don't roll no more. she just lays like a lump. :(

ugh

2008-10-01T05:28:00.002-05:00

3a migraine
period
torn contact
month end at work
an office mate who is a veritable concerto of bodily sounds

and how was YOUR day?

wedged in between the rock and the hard place...

2008-09-29T20:21:00.003-05:00

into a tiny little f~n space and it hurts like a bitch!

Argh... life's lessons are coming quickly to Pickle. She barely gets through one and the next one hits. It's been a rough couple months for her.

Of course, the custody battle is done. She had to deal with the drama of the father and the grandmother. During this time her closest buddy left for basic training (or whatever you call that for the Navy), so she learned that people you love are not always nice, and people you need can't always be around.

Enter the school year... busy busy busy. Too busy. Band, choir concerts, work, calculus homework. Add the aunt's wedding and more drama with the father. She's learning the meaning of "stretched too thin" and needs to slow down.

Then the truly awful starts. A friend's father dies; a classmate is killed in an accident (non-alcohol related). The classmate's funeral is tomorrow. She comes into the office after school on Mondays and Thursdays to help out with the data entry for the software upgrade. Today she could barely sit up in the chair. She's known this kid all through school. She's only experienced a couple deaths - one a great-grandfather, and one a friend of the family. This one hits a little closer to home. We're not invincible, even at 17. I sent her home. She was sleeping when I came in from work. She was up just a bit ago to get something to eat, and her color was a little better. The school let all the seniors off tomorrow for the funeral. It's a pretty close-knit school...

She's getting a bit distant. She talks to me about "stuff" but there are times when it seems she would rather be talking to anyone else, or the wall, or a leaf in the yard. (the usual 17 thing, i guess *smile* ) I'm sure the years at her father's helped gap the relationship, even though I tried to remain steady through the shitstorm years. I remember being on the edge of 17, almost an adult, thinking I had all the answers, and not having a clue when life happened. So I have to sit back and watch and wait on both her and Junior (not something I do well) and be there when life comes raining down. *sigh*

I think some counseling with a professional would do her some good. She obviously doesn't want to talk to me, so she should be able to vent to someone safe. "Not interested." She truly worries me. This should be the most fun year for her, and it's not cooperating. bastard. i wish it had an ass i could kick.

foulness becomes me. i'm falling into a rut. i actually finished all my day-to-day work and had time to peruse my new software handbooks that arrived today. of course, my boss was pissy because he thought i was being unsocial. i was. i'm not in a bad mood, i'm just not up to social niceties right now. for cryin' out loud folks, the fact that everyone in the office is still living should be good enough for you! lmtfa. let me wallow in my foulness, my comfort zone, my zen.

i know what it is. i'm halfway to another birthday, the holidays are looming and i'm dealing with the same shit i deal with every year. another year older, nowhere near where i want, and looks like it's gonna be me and the cat for the rest of my life. i love the holidays, long as i can keep the demons at bay. this year will be fun with dad around.

i did a very grown-up and responsible thing Friday night. I did NOT go to my daughter's hs football game, playing in a local town. Why? It was best for humanity. I wanted to - she's in the flag corp. She's fun to watch; she always has such a sparkle about her. Captain Crazy was there. His son plays. this i did not need to see or be around. i fought the urge all day and into the evening. do i/don't i? should i/shouldn't i? ignore him/slap him. yea. it was a very amusing conversation running through the brain. and of course this upcoming month holds an anniversary which for the life of me i try to forget and for fuck's sake it never happens.

junior is dealing with her own stressland right now. back to school, 2 jobs, roommates who are obnoxious, lazy, and piggish. she's trying to find a way to get away from them. of course, she hasn't learned the art of social engineering yet, and tends to be a bit outspoken without tact. *sigh*

i need to go, travel, run, somewhere. anywhere. i need an adventure. i need a haircut. i need to lose 60 pounds. i need thoroughly laid.

well, least i have my cat.

who likes my dad better. *cries* i wouldn't have been sure before, but i am truly glad my father is here. he is the epitome of crotchety; a hermit to the fullest, but just so damn fun. he has stories, and talks of nature, animals, history, poetry, politics, mechanics, metallurgy, and guns. he shows me his rifle collection, recalling matches, proudly pulling out the match targets with 5 holes within a 1/2" radius, done with a 1943 browning with iron sights. it is a magnificent work of art.

i listen to his stories, mesmerized by the lilt of his voice. i am transported back to seven, all curled up on the couch listening to him read, hanging on every word. *sigh* he's the coolest.

i do have to say, i'm glad the bailout didn't make it... seriously, people need to take responsibility for themselves, their positions, and buckle down. yea, it might be hard, but i've done hard. might do some of them some good. it's a painful lesson to learn about living within your means, but it sure sticks with you. and i have enough of my own damn bills to pay - i don't want to support someone else's bad habits. but hey, if some people wanna bail 'em out, let THEM pay for it. those banks wouldn't loan me money anyway, so let the ones to whom they DID lend help them out. here's a thought: pay back the money you borrowed. THAT might help take the financial crunch away...

blah blah blah. like i'm a frickin' financial wizard. i can balance my checkbook, and i can stretch a dollar, and i can live on macaroni and butter if i need to do so. nobody pays for my mistakes...

foul foul foulfoulfoul. heh.

enough for one night... venting is good... i must be coming back because i actually felt like writing. babbling. spewing forth gibberish. yea, i know. wanna be philosopher intellect.

bite me.

it's official... i'm a dork

2008-09-27T23:29:00.000-05:00

i think this is cool....

Where Was I?

2008-09-27T02:07:00.002-05:00

Oh yea.

Foul.

*sigh*

For two days, I have had limited contact with the "real" world. (As opposed to my daily non-contact with the real world.) I was buried in spreadsheets at work, trying to maintain the daily stuff, prepare the data for the upgrade, forecast and follow my schedule while being subjected to others' pig-headed non-action, and listening to my boss's inane ramblings of personal crap.

Yep, I'm in a swing where it's safer for humanity if I just stay away from everyone. The low end is near when my sense of humor disappears. Most days I am witty, amusing, verbose. These days I just let people know "I'm foul." They usually back away slowly, and have learned to not jest with me on these days. What would normally be fodder for good back-and-forth verbal sparring becomes the basis for those "Are you fucking serious?" looks and occasional acid remarks spoken in passing. Even I am amazed at my lack of usual patience with people.

Ugh. I hope it lifts soon. I believe it will; the sense of humor reared its ugly head this afternoon. One of the rail hotties (my age group, yes, married, 3 really adorable little girls, blah blah blah) was in talking to my boss today about which trailers needed loaded and was asking about where he could get some firewood. His brother is in town tonight (on short leave-they are both NG) and he wanted to have a bonfire and enjoy the evening.

"I just need enough wood for one night."

Yea. I know. I must be coming back around because I could. not. help. myself. I didn't even look up from my keyboard.

"Me too."

Now, this fella has pretty much the same crude sense of humor as I. He was dyin'.

"Um, I'm thinking in your case, plastic will do. Rubber?"

"Hell, wax at this point."

He was talking about it back in the scale room later when I was in there. "Hope ya find enough wood for the weekend." This prompted a comment from the not-so-professional Office Manager. *sigh*

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So anyhow... where was I?

Software upgrade. Live date: December 1. Did I mention that this particular operation is precariously supported by a few well-designed (tyvm) spreadsheets, and bookkeeping software that is as old as my youngest girl? Seriously. It's DOS based. If you don't know what that is, you are far too young to be reading this blog. My boss doesn't want to "fix what's not broken," so is passively-aggressively stalwarting my efforts to pull this off on time, in budget. Meanwhile, I'm triple-entering everything to keep up, plus cleaning up the customer files, the accounts receivables, and the directions. He enters a dozen loads into the spreadsheet and acts like I should kiss his ass for doing what he should be doing in the first place.

Argh. The last two days, I have had difficulty being pleasant with him.
Background: The company is family-owned by mom/dad/3 brothers/1 sister, yet extremely well-run. He is one of the brothers. No one in the family has ever been divorced. Strong family, everyone pitches in, helps each other, blah blah blah. Well, over the last few months, he and his wife have been not getting along so well. She's bi-polar, and dealing with some painful past issues. He's a chauvinistic pig who thinks he should be waited on hand and foot. After 22 years of dealing with being the perfect wife, perfect mom, and perfect daughter-in-law, she's finally breaking.

Example: He told someone in the office that after she had their third child, he brought her into the office because she needed to go back to work because she was getting fat. He said he was joking. Now, after child number four, she has a figure that I would be happy to have. She's a very pretty lady. He is a toad.

So, he's been very quiet about the situation lately. Last week on Monday, she left him, so he took the rest of the week off. He came into work Friday afternoon in shorts and sandals, talking about how he'd cleaned the house, did laundry, worked out, took a nap, and was running errands, and it was no big deal.

Um, yea fucknut. But you also took 4 vacation days, and did nothing else. Here's a thought. Do all that AND work full time AND have 4 children to run after AND have someone expect to be waited on by you hand and foot AND have someone that wants you to have sex every night after they tell you how worthless you are AND know that same someone talks trash about you at work in front of strangers and family.

I can't believe she stayed this long. Supposedly they're "working it out." Now, I don't advocate divorce, unless there's abuse. Of course, from the perspective of a divorced person, I suppose it's easier looking in from the outside. What I see is that "it's all her fault, and I shouldn't have to change because I am man and therefore right." *beating of chest* yak. But really, I don't want to hear about it. I don't. It's not that I don't feel for him. Being in a bad marriage is difficult. I do not want to be perceived as being "a friend" *wink wink nod nod* because that drama I do not need. It's not that I don't care - usually I care too much and I have been trying to distance myself from unhealthy boundaries - but I don't. care. Just help me get this company into the 21st century. This is about me. Me me me. I will probably never be married again. So your "poor me" attitude about having someone around to share the burdens of life, talk to when good or bad things happen, knowing they are there for everything, not just being fuckbuddies just doesn't sit well with me.

*pity rant on*
Apparently I am one of those people who lotsa people think are cool for various reasons, fun to hang with, fuckable, but not a long-term prospect. I don't want "friends." I have enough friends.
*pity rant off*

~*~*~*~*~*~*~
So where was I?

Oh yea. On top of the software upgrade comes a major bid process for one of the customers. This bid is to be done online and through the internet - final date 10-28. Yep, you got it. Right smack in the middle of the software upgrade. So, of course, I am doing the major work in formatting, because my boss is computer illiterate. He has no concept. My deadline is coming up, and he needs to get me some numbers, but he has this attitude with this company because everything has to be their way, and he should just tell them to go screw themselves... yada yada yada.

STFU and get me my numbers so we don't lose the lanes simply because you're pissy.

~*~*~*~*~

where was I? Oh yea, project number 3... setting up invoicing with same major company via EDI. Well, quasi EDI. I have to update our load spreadsheet. Key in this information to the invoicing software to generate an invoice, and then transfer this information to a spreadsheet layout to email to an intermediary company who then formats it and sends it EDI. So, I'm actually doing more work than I did before, but now saving two pieces of paper, an envelope and 42 cents postage for each invoice to this one company. Help me out here.

~*~*~*~

Classes. Ahhh, sweet learning. Intellectual stimulation. Enjoying my cyber warfare class, but struggling to keep up-why I don't know. I love this stuff.

Excelling at my History of Native American class-why I don't know. I apparently love this stuff more than I thought I would.

16 week classes condensed into 8. Once those end, 2 more begin for the final 8 weeks of the semester. All spring and summer I fought with Financial Aid to get my information in so I could take classes while I wasn't busy. Now, I can't get any busier, and here we are. Chaos as normalcy.

~*~*~*~*~*~
Miss Pickle is doing well... considering. She's busy. Senior year. 3 College level classes, band, choir, show-choir, 2 part time jobs, boyfriend in the Navy. Okay, he's a recruit, graduation 10-24, THEN he'll be in the Navy.

Her father is still a putz.

Her aunt got married last weekend. I've known this woman since she was about 2. (She's 13 years younger than I.) I was invited before the court drama unfolded. Of course, both my daughters are in the wedding, so why not?

I actually had a date for this wedding. I know, crazy. Had being the operative. Something unavoidable came up mid-week, and I was then dateless. I did not have the heart or the energy to search out a replacement. Which was fine, because I got to sit with my oldest girl's pre-fiancee, but more on that later.

I show up at the church where Pickle's father and I had planned at one time to get married. The same church where the last time I set foot in it, I was attending someone else's wedding, and was 3 1/2 months pregnant with my oldest. I thought it would bother me more. Hell, I thought it would bother me. I'm seeing a few familiar faces. Names are not coming to me. I sit in the pew next to Ace (the oldest girl's man) and we start chatting. I point out certain key people to him; he tells me how he's been there since noon and it's been a really long day, and about the rehearsal dinner.

This is good. At the rehearsal, Pickle's dad is overheard telling someone that he doesn't understand why she is singing at the wedding. She's ok, but not that good. *urge to slug* What a dick. She sounded fantastic! Everyone was amazed. Even I, as much as I hear her, am awed every time I see her perform. He was talking to his girlfriend and playing with his son the whole time. Jackass. What I thought was strange was that none of them were actually watching her. (I was sitting two rows behind them.) I found out later, why.

At school, Pickle talked to one of her brothers last week. Apparently he made mention of it at home, and was bitched at for an hour and told not to talk to her. So now, he doesn't talk to her at school. She has been ostracized by her father because she chose to live with me for the last year of high school. So the other kids are not allowed to have any contact with her whatsoever. No speaking, nothing. How is that healthy? I don't have anything to do with the brothers, but I've always encouraged her relationship with them. The sins of the parents should not be taken out of the child.

So we're watching everyone walk up the aisle. Her dad has a rather large bald spot now. I told Ace that Jackass had told me once that if I got fat he'd divorce me, and I told him if he went bald I'd divorce him. I laughed and said I'd saved myself the whole problem by not marrying him in the first place.

We were so inappropriate. Making fun of people, giggling. I had a lot of fun at this wedding. How many times to you hear someone say THAT?

The ushers (Jackass and another family member) were to unroll the carpet for the bride. They grabbed the strings, and nothing. So they had to lean over and push it. They both got up, red-faced and decided that they were going to kick it down the aisle. However, this had to be done lop-sided because both of them together were wider than the aisle. So one would kick, the other would move ahead and kick, etc etc. Graceful.

The bride was beautiful. :) The dresses were elegant. The ring bearers looked like little mafia hitmen. Then outside to blow bubbles at the couple. I saw a few faces of people I hadn't seen in almost 20 years. It was difficult to place some of them, because apparently I have aged better than I thought. They all knew me. I had to keep repeating, "So sorry, the face is familiar, but the name escapes me."

Off to the reception hall. Tastefully decorated. Floating candles, which Ace managed to extinguish when he bumped the table. So we moved. Same scenario. I was not moving again. We dried out the candles and re-lit them. Ace was stellar. Ran interference for me when we were in line for the buffet and had to go right past Jackass' table. Went and got me drinks so I wouldn't have to go past them. He did good.

And then, ugh, they were calling out the single women to catch the boquet. I stood back by the entrance and just waited for the show to pass. And then... the frickin' groom came walking towards me, and dragged me out onto the floor. Bastard. Upside, my oldest girl caught the boquet. Of course, I had no chance because 1) she was blocking and tackling everyone in her way, and 2) kinda hard to catch when you are standing with feet planted, arms firmly at the side, and backing away as the flowers are thrown.

Well, even more fun. Ace caught the garter. Nice. So I stood by as Ace had to put the garter ON Junior in front of the whole hall. After we got back to the table I told him he better marry her after taking that liberty with her in front of all those people. He laughed and said he was sure it was a setup.

Well, the bride and groom got pleasantly drunk, lost their keys, and somehow my Jeep ended up carrying a lot of the stuff back to the parents' house. ??? Yea, Jackass and family left after about an hour. We were there 'til cleanup. So, I'm doing what he and his girlfriend should have been doing, helping out with cleanup and transporting of crap. He had to take one of the boys to Homecoming. Everyone was pissed about that. When Pickle wanted to go, she had to find her own way. They just don't get why he treats her this way. I do. I'm her mother. If his ex-wife were the mother, it would be different. Ahh well. To this day, he has not once called and asked her to come over or told her she was still welcome. He calls the family, asks them if they've seen her, and wants to know why she isn't coming to visit. Dumbass.

It ended well. I helped carry stuff into the house, organize the tuxes/shoes, put the dogs out, and then finally I got home around 13o. I had several friends of the ex's parents tell me I looked good, and they were glad I was well. Haha bitches. You didn't think I would be anything, and that I was gutter trash and unworthy of Jackass' name. Hmmm. And how lovely that my children grew up beautiful and healthy and responsible, and that I'm capable of taking care of myself and he's... not. Who's not worthy? So go home and choke on that for a few days.

mm mmm mmmm.... foul.

So here I am in the wee hours of the morning, blogging, because,
"not good enough, soldierette.
If I can be nagged into updating... well...
Let's go...
:) "

btw, rsm, I did not NAG you to update. I simply encouraged you awhile back to let your loyal readers know what was happening in your busy life because your stories are always so well told, and have great insight and meaning. Mine are pretty much just bitching and ranting. :)

All kidding aside, folks... to my loyal readers (all four of you) thanks for the messages. I'm ok. It could be worse... I could be living in a camper... ;)

*hugs*

blurb

2008-09-24T05:39:00.003-05:00

ok folks, here's the lowdown:

3 major projects at work
2 classes with lots of essays
1 full time kid that is busy
1 full time dad that is not busy
a wedding with the ex's family

what i need to do:
dishes
laundry
clean my frickin' house

what i usually do:
make it home from work around 8pm
change into my jammies
grab a quick bite to eat
pass out by 830-900 (yea, party animal)

i am tired

full disclosure later... i'm ok. thanks for all the messages and emails. :)

*hugs*
miss b

2008-09-03T19:22:00.001-05:00

I feel a blog coming on...

but not today.

Let's just say, the presentation kicked ass. And I'm whipped.

*hugs*

2008-08-28T17:03:00.003-05:00

I was, thankfully, too busy all day to be too nervous. I had a software demo to sit through, my day-to-day duties to get done, and a million other aggravating interruptions that kept me busy until I had to leave 2 hours early.

I called my oldest on the way to her house. This was where we were all to meet. The grandmother (Pickle's) was there, dropping off mail. She was gone by the time I made it. They had told Junior they were not going to the hearing; they wanted to stay as far out of it as possible. That had me half-pissed. Haley wanted them there for support. So it wasn't that they were "for" their son; they did not support her decision. Well, Grandpa did - Grandma did not.

We make it to the courthouse, sign in and find a seat. My attorney comes over and pulls me and Pickle to the side, to get the last-minute details down. They call us in, and here we go.

I do everything I can to pull a neutral face, and not be nervous or have a pissy expression on my face. He (the ex) sits at the table on the other side, alone, arms crossed and a scowl on his face.

The magistrate starts, asks if he agrees with this temporary immediate change of custody order, to which he replies, "Yes, with the TEMPORARY order." Yea, we both caught that, too.

We get a little farther into it, and my attorney asks the court if we can come to an agreement and just settle everything today. The judge asks him to clarify.

She has stated emphatically that she wants to live with me.
She will be 18 in just over 3 months.
There is no sense dragging this out, wasting the court's time for the temporary custody pre-trial, trial, then the permanent custody pre-trial and trial.

The judge looks at EvilMan and asks him about this, since he was already agreeing to the temporary custody. We still have a couple options up our sleeves.

"Your Honor, we will waive child support for the remainder of the term of her childhood, should he choose today to settle this matter in full."

Meaning: if he drags it out over the next 9 months, I'm still responsible for support. If he chooses to do this, I will be requesting back support for these 3 months, plus the remainder of the school year.

The judge orders a 10 minute recess for the two sides to talk. Pickle and I go outside the room where her sister and the beau wait. Pickle's a nervous wreck; she just wants to be done with it and away from him.

We're called back in; the judge goes back on the record. He lets EM know that he has a right to an attorney; he has the right to a trial; to call witnesses; to cross-examine any witnesses we may call. He acknowledges. He is asked if he agrees to the terms of the agreement and if he understands said agreement. He says yes.

My turn. Right to go to trial, call witnesses, and cross-examine. Yes. Understand the terms? Yes. Is this what I wish the court to approve?

Fuck yea. Well, that's not EXACTLY what I said. I was proud of myself; I did not break out into song and dance, nor did I smile excessively. I was polite, professional, and let the judge know, I was there for Pickle, and I was ready to end the turmoil.

So granted. AND stated for the record that Pickle was allowed to come home with me, even though the papers would not be finalized for a couple days. Also on the record was a Short Order signed by the judge stating that this was effective immediately so there would be no issues with her being a runaway, or me child-stealing. Last but not least, we wanted to get her personal belongings and be done.

We walk out, and I have to speak to EM to set a time for the evening. We then go grab food (Domino's cheesy bread and chicken kickers - oh yea!) and settle in at Junior's to watch some silly bridal show about picking out dresses and reception dinners.

During a break, Junior goes out to pull laundry off the line. As she's on her way back in, I motion her into the kitchen out of Pickle's line of sight and we hug and do our own little happy dance to celebrate. "She's finally home, momma."

It's been 16 years. Long, painful, tear-filled years. Sad spots filled the empty space.

I sit here tonight and watch my youngest daughter doing her homework at our awesome kitchen table. I made supper while she read her Government homework. We ate with a little conversation; she's still getting used to being around someone who wants her around. She "lets" me hug her. *sigh* She has been in a house for nearly 10 years with no affection. That she is as caring and loving as she is is a miracle, but behind that heart is a wall.

She was exhausted. Her best friend in the world couldn't be there; her grandmother isn't speaking to her. Oh yea - didn't get to that part.

As we were driving to his house to pick up her things, her grandmother calls. (she's driving her own vehicle.) She yells at her, telling her that her dad is mad at her (the grandmother) and why couldn't she just wait until she was 18?

Oh hell no.

This is NOT her fault. She expressed to everyone that she didn't want to be there. She told her grandparents (BEFORE ME) that he had hit her over the whole prom dress thing. They knew of the times before. He is old enough to fend for himself. She was not. She does not get "blamed" for "making her dad mad."

He was pissed at Grandma long before this, and will be in the future about other things besides.

And let's review... the judge told him... he had the right to an attorney, he had the right to a trial, he had to right to contest this change of custody. He CHOSE to turn it over in exchange for not having to pay child support, thus ending the process.

So she tells her sister that no one is on her side. Her best friend is gone, and her grandmother is not speaking to her. Junior reminds her she still has her and me, and things just need to settle.

She can not fully comprehend how much I'm glad she's here, how much I've missed her over the years. I watch her read, I talk with her, and I silently give thanks because at last my child is home. It's strange, but now I feel like I can finally "start" my life. She will not understand the huge void that was there for all those years; how I lived for her to visit; how I was so sad when she was gone. All those years, robbed of the little moments of joy. All those moments cast aside by EM. She knows this; it breaks my heart. She told me not long ago that she knew now that he did not want her there, he just didn't want her with me. And now to have her grandmother treating her this way. Her heart is hurting. Maybe one day the fences can be mended with the grandparents. With the father, it's hard to tell. It's going to take some time for her to process. She has now learned the painful lesson that life is not always good, and kind, and fair. How sad that she had to learn that lesson from the ones to whom she was closest.

Even better than that awesome $30 oak kitchen table is the priceless treasure that sits there, doing her Calculus.

Tonight I am finally whole.

Back to good...

2008-08-27T06:12:00.001-05:00

It's finished.

She is finally home.

The drama begins.

More later... the headache overwhelms.

*hugs*

The Night Before Court...

2008-08-25T22:58:00.003-05:00

'Twas the night before court
and all through the house
only Daddy paced quickly
and the cat, the damn louse.

The dishes were done
the clothes folded with care.
I'd even had time to
re-color my hair.

The day was spent working
to keep the mind busy
with so many spreadsheets
my head was quite dizzy.

'Til finally the eight o'clock bell
came around and
I shut down my system
and headed to town.

The thought of a cold one
had me intrigued
but the memories of hangovers
had me more queased.

So I settled in
with my polish and tea
to pretty my nails
and relax with tv.

There will be no sleep
in this house I do fear
for the present brings back
thoughts of quite horrible years.

I worry for Pickle; today she was sad.
Squid had to leave, but came for a tad
to visit the classroom and say his good-bye
and platonically hug under teacher's firm eye.

We'll meet in the 'morrow
come rain or come shine
and hopefully positive news
will be mine.

I'll update you soon
and let you know whether
I'll be rejoicing with Pickle
or in prison forever.

So here I exclaim
as I sit here tonight
think happy thoughts,
and to the ex, a big blight.

Sweet Surprises

2008-08-22T22:11:00.003-05:00

A decent ending to a pretty dreadful week. I finish up at the office, change into my work clothes (haha) and head to the tavern. I find that somehow they have moved me off the schedule and I am not needed. I chit chat with the other girls for a few moments, cash my $9.15 check, and head for home. Sweet freedom. I didn't want to be there tonight. I had been told they would need help covering for people off, and I am (stupidly) responsible that way. One more week, and I'm done with them. It's a relief I can barely describe.

This week at the office has been a mix of busywork and projects. I have to keep up with my daily routine. We have spent two mornings in live demonstrations of software at which we're looking. Software that yours truly has researched, compiled quotes for, and have been told that I am lead project manager on the whole affair.

Wow. This is huge. This is a family run business in which projects are usually headed up by a family member. I am honored to have been given this measure of trust. And secretly doing a happy-dance because I am in charge of it, not the cutie-but-not-hottie foreign exchange IT guy who is chomping at the bit for me to fail this task.

We have one more software demo to sit through, then will make a decision as a group as to which one we want. From there, I am in charge of preparation, scheduling, installation, and training of the others. This I have missed. When I had my own consulting business 3 lifetimes ago, this is what I did. Systems analysis and design for other businesses and individuals. I held training classes; created and published my own manuals, and ran a store. It has been 9 years since I closed up shop, when my marriage ended and I took on the world (again).

I love the challenge, the planning, the organizing data. Turning raw information into usable facts. Setting up schematics for system organization. Finding solutions for what are not necessarily problems, but rather situations that need fine-tuning.

Our trucking company does everything by hand. Dispatching drivers is done with paper and pencil. Information tracking is handled on what is becoming a rather huge spreadsheet. The functionality works; it is cumbersome. Information is written in a book, turned over to me to put in the spreadsheet, tracked through as the paperwork comes back in, moved to different areas of the spreadsheet depending on in which phase we are - billing, payment, waiting on invoices from outside carriers, completion. When the time is right, we manually enter the information into a very old accounting program (which is no longer supported by the company) and invoices are created. Payables are done by a manual checkbook which the accountant pours over once a month. It is archaic, yet was at one time suitable for 5-10 trucks. We now have 25, and are projecting (to the best of our limited ability) growth for which we must prepare.

So I drag my computer-illiterate, pre-historic boss kicking and screaming into the 21st century. He bitches; then admits he knows it needs to be done and that is why I was hired. I've worked on computers, programmed, and set up systems for

OMG

twenty-two years now.

Holy sheep shit Batman.

*focus*

So I am excited. Not nervous. This is old hat. I wish I could get it all done in one night. I will fight myself to not rush through and overtax myself. It will be a measure of restraint.

Add to this the situation with Pickle this week. *sigh* She's holding up; she's scared and constantly battling wits with her mind-fucking father. She called Crime Victims Services. Who told her they couldn't tell her to go against court-stated documents, then turned around and called Children's Services after they told her they wouldn't without talking to her first.

Not that it matters, because CS never bothered to call back or investigate the situation. There's a shock. They're all too busy getting ready for the election, and worrying about finding other jobs.

*breathe*

'Zac: Now, Miss B, let's be fair. There are other younger children in far worse situations than Pickle who need immediate attention.

MB: Yea, so? This is MY child; they are not.

'Zac: If it were reversed and it were YOUR child being beaten, molested, burned, or sold for drugs...

MB: *waves hand* yea, yea. I know. I don't wish them harm. I would kill the bastards that did that to them myself if I could. You know the whole story.

'Zac: It will be...

*stretches neck*

I lost her once to this sociopath 16 years ago. I battled for 8 years. For most of those, I was walking dead. There was no life for me. There were the other children, and by no means do I discount them for the sake of one. Any mother who has lost a child in any capacity (death, custody, drugs) knows the anguish. There were years where I had a constant ache in my heart. I did not care what happened to me. I did not have a reason to care about my life. I existed to work, provide for the other kids, and pull myself into a fantastical world because I could not deal with reality.

Have you ever felt yourself losing your mind? Not the "where the hell are the car keys, I wish the baby would stop screaming, would someone shut that fucking dog up" lose your mind.

The sitting on the edge of the bed, holding on for dear life, rocking back and forth, scared to death because you can feel it sliding away and not knowing how to stop it, or if it will ever be right again. Seeing the look in your husband's eyes, knowing he knows, asking him if he sees it, and hearing him say yes. And even though he holds you as tight as he can, with tears running down his cheek, it's still weeks before you can get any sort of grip on reality. Knowing you can never ever trust anyone, even if they don't deserve it.

That's a scary fuckin' feeling, my friends. I do not want to take that trip again. Ever. And every time the world drops out from under me, it reminds me of that time, and to what I do not want to return.

So I wait, willing myself to calm down. Maintain one day, one hour, one minute at a time, until we go to court at 4p Tuesday for the pre-trial. The attorney is confident it will be solved that day. I am cautiously optimistic, yet am resolving myself to not hope for anything as the fickle finger of fate winds it's way through. Her father has a way of coming through things unscathed. To wish or hope that this time will be different would be foolish. Right now, the only thing holding this back is that he asked his parents for money to fight the custody hearing, and the mother told him no. We are not through court yet. She is his mother. This could very easily change.

I saw the parents at a band function this week. The father was extremely pleasant, jovial, and well-mannered with me. The mother was stoic, reserved, and very cautious around both me and Junior. Junior asked me if I noticed it, and thought she may be mad. She was too young to remember this was the way I was treated by both of them during the early years of custody fights. It stirred old feelings of apprehension and caution. This time, however, I do not have the gut-wrenching pains and nausea. I am much more in control of myself. Guess I'm a big girl now. *snort*

So I send little messages to Pickle... hi. love you. what's up? in the hopes that they somehow brighten her moments and give her the resolve to finish out the time without finding herself in a terrible spot. She starts classes Monday, and on the second day, Squid goes to the Navy, and we go to court. I must remain calm and strong for her. She has a reserve of strength that has surprised even me, yet I see it cracking. She's reaching her breaking point. She already knows life is not good, and kind, and fair. She still has that effervescence, that life, that joie de vive. I'm not ready to see that die. She will miss Squid terribly. He is a good friend to her. He has been a solid rock of peace and comfort for her. How cruel, life's irony. He cannot be there when she needs him the most, though he would give a limb to do it. She puts on a brave front, but this will be her first big heart-break. I hope she realizes that it is not because he didn't want to be there; the timing just didn't work out right.

As for other surprises, this week my oldest came home from her vacation with a "promise ring." A beautiful 3 stone with stones down the side, small white-gold promise ring. We talked about what it meant, and was she willing to take that step, and about her father issues, and not treating her fella badly, because he's not her dad. I also saw him at our mother/daughter night out on Wednesday. He only had a 20 minute break for class, otherwise he would have been given the riot act for not talking to me before giving her this ring. He, however, was smart enough to know that he was just biding his time, and his expression showed he understood that fact. LOL. I love terrifying them. It's not intentional; it's just so damn easy.

Last night my father told me he wanted to see a doctor to do something about the Parkinson's. He's talked to people who have used meds and can get the shaking to stop. He is concerned about the known compulsive side effects. This is a huge breakthrough. This man has been to a doctor once in his adult life. Only because my mother tricked him and told him she needed to go and he needed to drive her. :) My parents are great. I did not bring it up because I knew unless it was his idea, he would not be receptive. So I hid my surprise behind the awesome grilled ham and steaks and cauliflower (meatfest!) and told him I'd find one.

People are leaning on me. Needing me. Asking me for help and guidance. People to whom I've turned for guidance and help. People whom I thought would never see potential in my abilities or . It is......... strange.

From my spot in the living room, I can see my father sleeping in his room. The low light shines across his face. He is peaceful. I thought it would be more difficult having him live with me. It is surprisingly pleasant. I am extremely grateful for this time with him. So I sit back, and look forward to the next conversation, the next shared movie, the next grill-out.

Unlike Dork, who has called and texted me several times this week. I just did not feel like dealing with his childish drama. He knows what's going on, but not having any kids, cannot relate, cannot comfort, cannot be someone I turn to for support. I suppose I need to end it properly. He will just have to wait until we get through the worst of it.

Mr M has sent little joke messages, called once, and occasionally I catch him on Yahoo (I've had little time to be on it at work-too much happening). He asks about Pickle, he sends words of encouragement (and of course words of ribald jokes and crude innuendos) that bring a smile, even if I don't have the energy to respond. I try to remember to thank him. It's been so long since I've had anyone to turn to for support of any level, I sometimes forget my manners. silly.

So I'm off tonight, and just vegged out, finished a book, watched a movie, took a nap, and finally had to write. I'm mulling things about the work project in my mind. I've told myself I'm not going to dedicate my entire weekend to it, but I know that once I start actually drawing the process boards, reorganizing the information, and working on the plan, I will not be happy until the process is complete. Work is my escape. I must escape from my escape.

I feel the pains coming back into my shoulders and neck. I must keep busy this weekend, for I cannot afford to sit and dwell on Pickle. The mind can twist you into roads you should not travel if left alone too long. So I will clean, organize my room, ready the house for the fall, and prepare for my classes which start in a week and a half. Ahh, the sweet sanity of structure and fact.

In the words of Pickle, I'm such a dork. *grin*

Daddy Dearest...

2008-08-17T20:19:00.002-05:00

*begin rant*
You are a worthless, piece of shit, mother-fucking asswipe who does not deserve to be called "father."
*end rant*

Pickle had to go home tonight for the summer. (One week before school starts.) She got to her father's house, (remember, she does not have a key) to find that in her absence since last weekend, he has:

~ taken everything from her room, boxed it up and put it in the GMC Jimmy that graces the driveway because it hasn't run in years

~ moved his "stuff" into what used to be her room

~ told her she could sleep in the "game room" (where they have the computer/games set up)

~ will put a bed in there for her tonight

~ told her she doesn't need a room there anymore since she's not going to be there

*pulls hair, drools, has stabbing fantasies*

AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

She tells me this in a dead voice. I just want to reach through the phone lines and yank her back over here to safety.

I ask her if her grandparents know. She says she doesn't know. I ask if she wants me to call them; she says she really doesn't care anymore. *sigh* If I call them, is it really going to do any good? The situation would be made worse because of it. I know this; she knows this, too. The grandfather would probably shoot him.

hmmm.

No. Must not think pleasant thoughts.

Anyhow, a week from Tuesday. 8.5 days 'til the pre-trial. Hopefully we won't have to go any farther than that, otherwise it's the end of September. Legally, all he has to provide her is a room, a bed, food and clothes. Looks like he's only doing what he absolutely has to do. There's a shock.

*Turrett's*
Motherfucker
Sonofabitch
Cocksuckin piece of shit
*end Turrett's*

I told her if she could do it without getting herself into trouble or hurt, to take pics of where they are making her sleep and what he's done with her room with her camera phone or her digital camera. I will see her on Wednesday. I let her know I would be contacting the attorney tomorrow.

It's going to be difficult to behave like an adult when he's acting like such a FUCKING DICK.

*headache*

Guraj Sayl Kween R I...

2008-08-10T21:41:00.003-05:00

OMG

Up at 715 on Saturday (not typical unless I'm working in the yard moving trucks around) and not only am I up and around, I AM GOING GARAGE SALING.

Yes, folks, two of the women at work talked me into it. I know. But in part of my quest to be more social and not hermit-like, I agreed. So we met at J's house, and she, I, P and T went garage saling from 830 until 315PM. I thought I was going to die. In and out of the SUV. Traipsing through people's yards. Snooping through stuff, and actually having FUN. wtf? The area had the Lincoln Highway garage sale, where everyone who lived on this road from one end to the other, had a sale. We must have gone to 20 and finally had to stop for fuel (of the food kind) and just to sit down, not in a car. Amazingly enough, even with four women sharing one vehicle, we had room for everything.

Now, I'm not much at this garage sale bullshit, but I did pretty well. I found some of my favorite face lotion (the nectar of the gods) that is usually $18/bottle brand new in the box for ONE DOLLAR. I tried to not jump up and down, clap my hands and squeal like a little piglet the whole time I'm paying for it. Of course, they only had one, but I was happy enough.

A bit later I found four dresses (three for Pickle and one for Junior) for $20 (I talked them down four bucks-go Miss B) and they are sweet! If I could fit my fat ass in them, I'd wear them. They're classic. And they fit them. One of them still had the store tag on for thirty bucks. Excellent.

I found a few odds and ends, and at this one fabulous place, a solid oak kitchen table 5.5 feet by 3.25 feet with thick carved legs, for $50. I paid $30. Don't hate. It's in pretty decent shape, and I could sand and refinish it (maybe one of these days.) Alone now, it's still awesome.

But by far, the best thing I found was a vhs tape of ALL BUGS BUNNY CARTOONS. 50 cents. Score! Right up there with Scooby, Bugs is the shit. And none of that silly Daffy Duck or Elmer Fudd crap. *bobs head back and forth* Uh huh, who da man?

So I get done with that, drag everything home, and pass out on my couch. I have 45 minutes before I have to get ready for girls night out with A and R. Home girls wanna party.

We head to the capital, grab some awesome frickin' ribs with sauce so hawt n sweet I thought I was dyin'. Not wanting to party too much and have to drive an hour or so back to their place, we decided to head back and hit one of the local haunts. During the ride back, which included a pit stop for overfull bladders and rib removal, we decided we were just going to watch movies at the house and have a couple drinks. Two of us have CDL's, and one has sugar. None of us need to be inebriated on the road. And since I drink about twice a year, I don't care to babysit others, who tend to get loud and goofy when they drink too much. (Yea, been there before with these two.)

So we hit town, stop at wally world, grab sweet tea and chocolate chip cookies (I know, party animals) and head back. We get there, get in our pj's, and sit around watchin' something before I pass out 15 minutes later. Yea, I'm a wild one. Our carousing night on the town was one drink with dinner, and passing out on the couch. Sounds like my last date. buahahaha.

Anyhow, we decided we just weren't in the mood for a three day hangover anymore. *bawls* I'm so old.

Ugh. A and R are an "item." A is my bestest friend in the world. I worked with her for 5 years, and we were hell on wheels, in every sense. Well, she hooked up with R, who is nice enough, but something about her just aggravates the livin' piss outta me. Not that I would ever tell A. R is constantly sick, always calls me FOR A, gets morbidly depressed if A has to be away from home (she finally had to take a local job where she was home every night) and has to be in the middle of every conversation. On the way back, A was driving, R was shotgun, and I was in the back, trying to steer and brake because that's just how I am. Meanwhile, the entire drive back, R is yappin' on about this and that, so and so, yadda fuckin' ya. I had to consciously make myself answer her, and not roll my eyes when she was looking. I'm hoping I didn't shoot daggers through her with my eyes and send the "SHUT THE HELL UP" message. I would hate to hurt her feelings, and I know A really cares about her. R is always telling me to not be a stranger, she thinks of us as good friends, blah blah blah. I'm not one to have a lot of "girlfriends." Women piss me off, and I usually do the same because I just don't think and act the way they do. R is one of them. Am I awful? No, she's just aggravating.

Well, Pickle made it home from her dad's tonight. *sigh* This was his weekend, and he told her she "HAD" to come home. So much for not having to come home all summer.

Anyhow, she had to work Friday night from 5-10 with Junior. Apparently, when she got to his place, the door was locked. (She doesn't have a key; has never been allowed. *rolls eyes*) So he opens the door. And stands there staring at her, unspeaking, for a couple minutes, til she finally walks past him and goes inside. And doesn't bother to speak to her the rest of the weekend. Here I am, giddy with my garage sale finds, waiting for her to get back so I can share my treasures with her, and she has to deal with that crap. On the bright side, she worked 'til close last night, and again from 4-9 today, so she didn't have to be around there long. I'll be glad when this is finished.

Oh, ooooh, OOOOOH. I asked one of the warehouse fellas (who happened to be going to the local automotive college) to check out my brake pads for me. Always want to stay ahead of that game - I've done the rotor replacement thing before. Not a trip I want to take again.

Well, dingledork pulls off the front tires (I told him not to worry about the back ones) and checks them (I look too, 'coz I want to make sure he knows what he's doing - LOL) and puts them back on. I tell him thanks, and I'll buy him a beer at the next Thirsty Thursday. He comes over to me and tells me there is something I could do.

*hackles up because I know what's next* What's that?
DD: How about a blowjob?
me: How about I kick your ass out of the shop?
DD: Oh, come one, I want to know what it's like with someone else.
me: Aren't you engaged?
DD: Yea, but I've never been with anyone else. I just wanted to see what it was like.
me: Well, aside from the fact that I'm old enough to be your, um, aunt, (shut up) I'd hurt you, hell no. Don't make me beat the shit outta you.

Well, dingledork opens the overhead door and stands back while I back my jeep out around a truck that's unloading. As I put it in drive, he steps up and says, "Are you sure?"

Laughing, because at this point I'm ready to claw his fucking eyes out, I just roll forward and wave.

*begin rant*

WTF is wrong with people? I can't even stand to look at him when he comes through the office now, and of course, I sure as hell am not going to hang around the shop on Thursdays for a beer with the guys, because this stupid sonofabitch has now taken it beyond "one of the guys" level. I hate when stupid people spoil my fun. I should run over you with the street sweeper, or drop a 50 pound bag of feed on your head. Assclown.

*end rant*

And... You CAN Fix Stupid. Stupid is gone. Yep, the brainless twat (22, big boobs, little brain) at work finally pulled her final stunt. She had been late all week, and on Friday at ten after eight, she called in and told the HR Guy she overslept and would be in. We figured around 9 or so. 930 comes, and we're told she called HRG to let him know she needed to take her daughter to the doctor and would let us know if she got her in or not, and since she was already late, she was just going to take care of this, so she wouldn't have to take time off another time. Round about 1230, HRG and the office manager were talking, figuring she must've been able to get her daughter into the doctor. One of the owner's wife said it would be nice if she could pencil us in a couple days a week (I rolled; she doesn't typically say things like this about anyone - we were all just fed up.) So 1pm rolls around, and HRG calls Stupid Twat and asks her if she's coming in today.

ST: No, I wasn't really planning on it.
HRG: Really? Why not?
ST: Well, since I was going to get written up for being late, I figured I'd get all this other stuff out of the way, that way I wouldn't have to worry about it.
HRG: Well, you don't.
ST: What?

HRG: Effective immediately, you are laid off. You need to turn in your key, while someone is in the office, because you are no longer an employee, so you are not allowed to be on the premises.

Whoa. So what does ST do? SENDS HER OLDER SISTER IN TO PICK UP HER THINGS, DROP OFF HER KEY AND PICK UP HER FINAL PAPERS.

*shakes head* what a complete dumbass. She is so used to shaking her ass and getting people to do everything for her (male and female) and expects the world to take care of her. She told us she has one guy to buy her cigarettes and food when she's hungry, another who buys her dresses, and she's "seeing" a 38 year old who really "gets" her. No, dipshit, he "gets off" on having a cute little 22 year old brainless twat to suck his dick for a little food or a pack of smokes, and no commitment to you or your TWO KIDS. It's the oldest profession in the world, honey, and you have a money-maker.

*talks to self* don't hate... you were 22 once, and cute. she WILL get old. and god-willing, fat. stop being so bitchy.

Speaking of stupid... I'm undressing tonight so I can shower up and smell pretty after waiting on aggravating, rich boat people tonight, and I have this cute, little pink bra with sheer polka dots on it on. As I'm taking it off, I realize, I have the fucker on inside out. Well, that would explain the little bumps all over the girls from the pattern. Dumbass.

Back to the grind... hope your weekend was just as stellar!

*hugs*

A Pinch of This; A Dash of That

2008-08-03T10:00:00.005-05:00

I Can See Clearly Now...

So I'm getting ready to go somewhere yesterday, and I shower up and get my contact case out to "put in my eyes." I have the "disposable" kind, and just switched to a new pair at the beginning of the month. Depending on the day, how much time I have or how late I was up the night before, I have no trouble, or lots of trouble getting one or both in from time to time. This day was no exception. I get the left one in with only minor aggravation, but it doesn't seem quite right at first. Of course, looking around with only one in makes everything fuzzy. So I fight with the right one for about seven minutes; it hurts, and keeps popping out. wtf? I put it back in the case to re-wet it, pick it up, and discover that not only do I have my contact, but I have the OLD one from last month that apparently I've forgotten to dispose of, glued to the new one. Well, dumbass, that would explain why when it WAS in for a moment, the world was extremely difficult on which to focus. *sigh* Out with the old, and Voila! The world and all its beauty is clear to me. And the redness in my eyes from messing around with them... great, I have that 70's stoner look. Sweet.

Fun in the Sun

Which is exactly what I need today. Today my youngest daughter, her "friend" (say "Guy Friend who is due to ship out to the Navy in three weeks"), me, and a fellow I've been "hanging out" with are going to Cincinnati OH to watch a semi-pro football game in which his team is playing. By his team, I mean of which he's a team manager, and very proud of it. That's cool. I love football. I can appreciate a good game. However, I do not need a 2 1/2 hour dissertation on it, the message board for the team, and the whining of the inner-workings of it. Kinda takes the fun out of it, yannow?

Anyhow. This fella, we'll call him D, lives and breathes this stuff. That's cool. I was a football widow when I was married. We all have our "thing." He knows both my daughters - we'll get to that in a minute - and is four years younger than me. Not a horrible stretch, normally.

Here's where it gets interesting.

D is yakkin' on about all the above, Pickle and Squid (buahahaha) are in the back reading magazines (Discover, Scientific American - I'm all about expanding the mind) and listening to music, and I'm driving (duh) trying to navigate through various stages of idiots in travel, wondering why I agreed to come along when by the time we hit the ramp for the freeway half a mile from where we met, I'm ready to drop him off at the side of the road. Cool. Only 2 hours and 15 minutes left of a 2:20 drive.

D is a touchy-feely kinda guy. I'm not normally opposed to that. Every gal wants to know her man wants to touch her. Did you hear me say WANTS? This I did not. I think it aggravates him. I know it does. He whined about it another night. Guess that's a clue, scooby-doo.

Anyhow, we get down there, and it's 97 degrees. Great. I'm not a sun-bunny. Too fair, and take some meds that make me pretty susceptible to sunburn. So I have my 50 SPF sunblock, yes 50, that of course, I leave in the jeep while we're in the stands. I'm sucking down water, so you know it's hot, because I cannot stand water normally. I have on this white T-shirt with shorter sleeves than my other shirts. This I can tell, because today my upper arms look like neopolitan ice cream. You know, the chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla all in one container. So I've burned between what's normally covered, and my farmer's tan. Sweet. However, I no longer look like Casper on the bottom of my legs. Acceptable.

So D is on the sidelines with the team, and I find myself searching him out. Squid says he's easy to spot because he has a unique look. I find myself mentally calling him Dork. Where's the Dork? C'mon Dork. Oh, I'm going straight to hell for this one. But the kids agree, he acts like he's 15. Clue number 2, Scooby-Doo.

After the game is over (56-0 btw - our team is defending National Champion) we head to BW3 (That's Buffalo Wild Wings) for some food and team socializing. Which would be great, if we KNEW anyone on the team. Let me back up. We park, and hop out. He takes off and says he's going to go get a table. ??? K. The kids wait the EXTRA 15 SECONDS for me to secure everything and we walk in the door. We wander around like some bumpkins in a big city - um yea - and finally spot him over yakkin' with some of the team members. We make our way around, and he THEN starts searching for a table. Wait, here it comes *claps hands over mouth* Dork.

So we sit, Squid holds the chair out for Pickle - um, no, I got my own, thanks - order drinks and appetizers. D and I are joking back and forth - the waitress says, "You two are married, aren't you? It's ok, I'm married, I can tell." I think she missed the look of horror that crossed both our faces. Squid and Pickle are having a good laugh at that one. D orders a beer. Not a problem. I'm driving, I'm in a place where I really don't know anyone, and I have my kids. Soda for me. He wanders off and starts talking to some of the players, high-fivin' yada yada. I look at Squid and Pickle.

"Am I a snob?" They look at me; ask me what I mean. I explain. As you get older, your criteria for finding someone changes. At this point, I'm at Single/Pulse/Job. Usually I get two of the three. Ok, technically he qualifies. He's never been married, is breathing of his own volition, and works as a shift manager at a pizza place. (This is how he knows my oldest daughter, who is working there while she goes to college - *sniff* proud mom moment, but another story for another time.) He's a nice enough guy. Not bad looking. (here it comes) but...

Lives and breathes this football team, (AND STUPID HUMOR MOVIES-OMG Mr M will appreciate this - D wants me to go see "StepBrothers" with him in the worst way) and lives with his parents.

Now, stop there. I live with my dad. Squid reminds me, Dad moved in with ME. So I am not living "at home with my parents." I am fully capable of supporting myself, and have been for 20 years. K. Point taken.

Squid says, "Here's how I see it... he acts like a kid, lives with his parents, and he really doesn't know how to act socially with a female. He wanders off and leaves you sitting. I held the door for Pickle, and pulled out her chair, and usually if a guy sees another guy doing that, he'll follow suit - he didn't. He's out with you and your family, for the first time, and drinks beer. Not that there's anything wrong with beer, but the first time, he should have stuck with pop or something. He just doesn't seem like a good fit." Of course, I'm paraphrasing, but that's the gist of it. He's surprisingly bright for an 18 year old guy.

So I didn't throw a fit or anything; we just grabbed a game computer and started playing some games while he was off for 45 minutes somewhere. The third time. The first two times he was standing with his back to us, talking to a group of people right behind us, and only turned around once to set his empty glass on the table. MMM-kay. Now, I'm not a social queen, but several people came up to him, and kept looking over at us while they were talking, and he never introduced us to anyone. I overheard someone ask if I was his "woman" (buahahaha) and he said no, we just came to watch the game and we were going out. Good answer D.

Anyhow. On the way home, after he about hits me in the face with the door he goes through ahead of me and lets swing shut, he's going on about the game, the players, the refs, and checking the message board for the team on his cell phone. Did I mention that every time I'm around him, he's glued to that thing? He's checking texts, or message boards, or scores, or SOMETHING. I can't have a conversation with him without him pulling out the phone and repeatedly checking it. How rude. I keep my phone with me when I'm on dates, but I normally do not answer it or do anything else on it, unless it's one of my kids, to make sure they are ok. I hate phones. It comes from having a previous job where it was nothing for me to take 300 phone calls in a 12 hour shift. I would much rather talk online and in person than have a receiver glued to my ear. I have a short attention span on phone calls, even if I'm doing nothing else. Captain Crazy always said, the phone has no constitutional right to be answered. He was right. I lived for 20 some years without a cell phone. It's a great convenience, but not a necessity. And if someone is more interested in texting or talking to someone else while they're with me, then they're not really all that interested in me.

So where was I? Oh yea. Am I a snob? Here's a fellow who's made it known he's extremely interested in something long-term and serious. But really, how serious can one be with someone who lives with their parents, makes half what I do, and has no ambition to do anything other than make enough to buy a new cell phone and team-wear for the team he manages? Don't get me wrong - I don't need someone who's constantly climbing the corporate ladder, but when I go into the bookstore in the mall and am made fun of because I LIKE TO READ and learn about new things, and have interesting conversations about things other than sports, it kind of irritates me. I don't need someone to buy me "stuff". I buy my own "stuff." But I like to do things, go places, occasionally travel without having to hear about every single penny. And let's do something, anything, besides meet at McDonald's.

*sigh* yea. I'm thinking that this one is not going to work out so well.

Daddy Day Care

So my dad has settled in comfortably. He putters around the house at all hours of the day and night. He grills out and has great MeatFests. (The steaks are FABULOUS) and he tells stories. I've seen a side of him I never knew existed. Apparently he was quite the jokester at work when he was younger. Things like taking a fellow's phone, telling maintenance not to replace it, then going around to all the different departments all day, and telling them to page this fellow, knowing he'd have to walk to each individual department because he no longer had a phone. *shakes head*

Or, when he worked in an area that was elevated surrounded by big windows, with only one doorway in, seeing one of the guys bringing a group of big-wigs from another company coming and his co-worker prints up a sign that says Use Other Door. He tells him, "You can't do that." The other guy asks why. He says, "You have to say Please." So they put Please Use Other Door on the front of the entrance, then stood back and laughed watching these people search for half an hour for another entrance that did not exist, making this poor guy look like a jackass. The group never did make it into that area.

Or the time he had this fellow and gal on one of the lines convinced that the plant was built on an Indian burial ground. (She claimed she was a witch.) To which the plant owner came round the corner one day to these two on the production line surrounded by lit candles, holding a seance, trying to raise the dead spirits. Seriously. No worries, folks, they still had their jobs. They were just warned that my dad was full of shit and to not listen to him.

My dad was twisted. I now know from where I get it.

Anyhow, he's a quiet fellow, kind of a hermit, doesn't care much for people. He was talking to my mom on the phone (they're still friends) and goes into the bathroom to shave or something. Meanwhile, someone I know comes over to try to rope me into having a catalog party for something, and has her 3 year old girl with her. I let them know he's in there so he doesn't scare them when he comes out. He's very quiet. For a long time. I'm finally getting ready to check on him when he comes out, phone in hand, and shuffles on through to the sunroom. I don't think anymore about it, til I'm outside saying bye to them, and he comes pulling up in his car. ???

I talk to my mom later that day, to find out he was in there, heard them come in and didn't want to embarrass me by them seeing a crazy old man in the house. So he had his shoes and his keys in the sunroom, snuck out the back, and went around to the car to go get something to eat. Oh for crying out loud. I don't give a shit what people think of my dad. Let's review. He raised me. He took care of me when I was sick. He taught me values, and morals, and the joy of learning. He still calls me his "little girl." He is allowed to be in any room at any time doing (almost) anything he wants. Goofball. I could just squeeze him. :)

For Whom the Bell Tolls

Well, Pickle has been here for the summer. Her SENIOR summer - my gawd is she that old already? She was just 3, running around naked on my mom's farm. buahahaha - I love her.

She does NOT want to go back to her dad's. Those of you readers remember earlier this summer when he punched his 64 year old father on his birthday, locked her out of the house and basically threatened that she would pay for embarrassing him by telling him in front of me and his parents that she wanted to live with me.

Well, after struggling with getting the retainer paid (the deposit crossed with the check - THAT was fun), paying off old court fees, and 3 trips to the juvenile court house, we FINALLY got a hearing date for our Immediate Temporary Change of Custody request. The second day of school. *sigh* great. This means that she will have to go back, because we will be in contempt and I will go to jail if she doesn't. The "Pre-Trial" is at the end of September. So unless things go really well at the Immediate hearing, she may be well into the school year before we change. Which is no big deal; she's already been accepted in Open Enrollment, so there will be no change in schools. I got the letter for the court date Friday. Apparently he got his Saturday because I got a phone call on my cell from his cell number about the time their mail runs. No message. No phone call to Pickle. He told her she "had to" come home this weekend, last time she was there. This is strange because he told her she didn't have to come home all summer if she didn't want. Argh.

She's really blossoming this summer. She's going and doing, seeing friends, movies, hanging out, being a kid. And still, she follows the rules, the curfews. Would be great if she helped with the housecleaning and cleaned her room from time to time (hint, hint) ;) but it's summer. I'm not doing much more than the necessary right now either. This is the first summer I've "enjoyed" in a long time. But that's another day.

My hope is that when she goes back for the weekend, he doesn't grill her or get nasty with her. I haven't said much to her about it, except that she doesn't have to discuss it with either one of us. That's between me and him. She's made her choice, and long as she stands by it, we'll deal with the end result.

Blah Blah Blah

I had a conversation with Mr M a few weeks ago about the whole custody thing. He's been through it from the other end, so of course there were some points of contention. That's one of the cool things that I can converse about with him versus D. D has no kids, never been through any kind of custody issue. He does not grasp. We were talking about the whole support thing, and how it maybe should be handled.

My dad asked me how I think it was going to be for him should the courts let her stay with me, knowing he wouldn't receive support anymore and how he would survive. I told him that was not my concern. He did not concern himself when I had to work three jobs to pay support to him, and afford to live and raise my other kids. Cold? Maybe. Warranted? Absolutely. I don't hate. I just don't, anything, as far as his welfare goes. He stopped being my problem many years ago.

~*~*~*~*~

so there it is folks... phew. Isn't life grand? Off to wait on rich boat people... have a stellar day!

*hugs*
miss b

Life is a Journey...

2008-07-28T17:25:00.002-05:00

and only you hold the map.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is splayed across the rear window of the awesome jeep. I can read it perfectly in my rear-view mirror. It's a constant reminder that we make our way; that I am in charge of where I go.

So why did I spend so long going nowhere? Why did I think I had to answer to people who have no control over my life? For what reason did I worry so much about what other people would think or do? They don't give a shit about me, or what I would think or do.

Helllllo.

Dumbass.

I'm getting that old, familiar feeling. You know the one. The need to move on and explore; to go places, meet people, have adventures. The restless one. The scary one that usually means something is up ahead.

I am not accountable to anyone but me. This both excites and infuriates me. It's cool; I can do what I want, go where I want, see whomever. I answer to no one. It's sad. No one cares where I go, what I do, or with who I spend my time.

Do I want to answer to someone? Meh. The right someone, sure. If it's the right someone, the pieces are there. You don't "have" to account for yourself because the lives mesh. Do I want someone to care about where I go, or what I do? Meh. Sure would be nice to know someone was interested. It's not so much that I'm tired of being alone - I'm not. I'm pretty self-sufficient, and I already know I can take care of myself. I can entertain myself - and not just THAT way, thankyouverymuch.

Do you ever miss the closeness of having someone near? Not just a "friend", or a fuckbuddy. Someone around who knows you inside out. Calms your world just by being there. The one you can feel enter the room, and zero in on instantly. The one with whom you can share your deepest, darkest fears, and not be judged. The one who holds you because they just love holding you.

That's the someone I want. The one with which I don't have to finish sentences. The one with whom I can read minds. Feel when they're not there.

I have half the map. Who has the other?

ode to a pubic hair

2008-07-23T16:35:00.002-05:00

*begin rant*
Oh
My
Gawd

How do you NOT notice that you have left a 2 inch hair on the toilet seat?

EVERY
FRIGGIN
TIME
you use the bathroom?

Ok, I admit. I have this "thing." I look at the toilet seat before I sit down. Home, office, restaurant. Everywhere. Because every time I didn't look, there was something not mine on the seat. *shudder*

One person at work, who shall remain nameless because they are so frickin' disgusting, ALWAYS leaves a little something behind. I am constantly nearly pissing myself as I stand there, legs crossed, bouncing around trying to get some paper to wipe off the hairs, or splatters. ugh.

for cryin' out loud, ya lazy bitch, turn around and look when you're done and do the rest of us a favor. i'm tired of cleaning up after you before i have to clean up myself. you're a grown woman. either wipe off the seat, or shave yourself.

*end rant*

Today I'm Seven...

2008-07-12T18:34:00.003-05:00

and a princess once again.

I have the flu. The yucky, fevery, achy, lay on the couch because it hurts too much to move flu. I left work at lunch yesterday, and called off from the tavern last night. Not the norm.

Of course, I have Dr Dad and his favorite two prescriptions: Listerine and Vicks Vap-o-rub.

Stop laughing.

Seriously, unless you have tried it, don't knock it. You can't breathe? Boil a half pan of water, put a glob of Vicks in and lean over it. I hadn't been able to breathe through my nose for two days. It was WON-DER-FUL. Of course, don't open your eyes, because it will sting like a motherfucker.

Anyhow. Listerine. The nectar of the Gods. The crass, harsh, sting like a thousand wasps, gag a maggot nectar of the Gods. This stuff is foul. And you gargle with it every time you move. It knocks the piss right out of the bug, and keeps the infection out of your lungs. But you have to gargle it deep in your throat, not just swish it around. You'll know you're doing it right when you tip your head back, feel the foul burning run down your throat and quickly move forward to puke in the sink. Excellent.

Laugh if you may, but my dad has used that every day for as long as I can remember, and the man has missed only 3 days of work from being ill in 38 years. Seriously. One of those days was because of a fall he had taken and hurt his back. Actually, he probably just rubbed Listerine on the hurt part and it killed off the sore flesh.

So as I'm in and out of consciousness, tossing and turning, sweating and shivering, I wake to Dad sitting in the chair across from me, silently keeping watch to make sure every time I wake up I use my Listerine. He brought me two plastic cups. One to drink from and one to spit into. (Please don't spill the spit cup) And as I'm feeling better at times and wanting to get up and do things, I'm told to lay back down and rest. That's the only thing that's going to kick this; rest, vicks, and listerine.

Who's taking care of whom here?

Anyhow... hope you're all having a wonderful weekend. More dad stories, and lots to catch up on when I can sit up a little longer.

times like these...

2008-06-18T16:25:00.002-05:00

sure would be nice to have someone to share with... taking care of the world gets to be tough by yourself...

*sigh*

time in a bottle...

2008-06-17T21:17:00.004-05:00

summer is upon us, and normally the hermit that i am knows no difference. this year is different. maybe it's because the kids are nearly grown, and i know i'm going to have to fend for myself. maybe it's because i work in two different taverns on weekends and am subjected to the public - ALWAYS a fantastic realm of bullshit. maybe it's because it's just time for me to get the hell back into life. but i'm going places, doing things, with people, alone, and actually having a, shhhh, here it comes, "life".

wtf?

i know. but difficult as it is, it's more difficult to believe after about 10 years of secluding myself, i'm actually doing it. kinda refreshing, in a scary, hope i don't go postal on anyone, where the hell is my prozac kinda way.

anyhow

i have a confession. i've been holding out. *waits* i have not put all of my favorite blog reads on my blogroll. i've been enjoying them all to myself and for that i beg forgiveness. every time i think i'm going to do it, i get sidetracked or busy, or just lost in reading them *laugh* and i don't get the chance. so bear with me - that is one of the summer projects.

and back to school, after quibbling for 5 months with my financial aid department. oy vey - don't even ask! i am so aggravated. *breathe* september rolls round, and i'm there. woo hoo! i know; i'm a nerd. *shrugs*

kids are around for the summer - one of the last before they move off into the world. *cries* i got a little charcoal grill - the food tastes so much better! - and we've done some cookouts, hangouts, and "help mom around the house because i'm slaving over a hot grill for you" outs. parent guilt - best thing ever invented.

so much about which i want to write, so many things flying around my brain, here and gone, and just not. enough. time.

i'm tired. i'm sure i'm about to cycle because i can always feel it coming on a few weeks ahead. so hang with me folks - if i'm not around much, it's because i'm not much company to be around.

the little fella from the restaurant who joined the Army has come and gone. graduated boot camp, came home for two weeks, and is now in Korea... i just love how he was when he came back. stood taller, talked clearer, held his head up, looked you in the eye. please, god, keep him safe. he's had such a shit life until now. he's a good kid.

my other little "adopted" son Joel is now in the Sandbox. *sigh* he does NOT want us to write him or email him while he's there. *bawls* he says he needs to focus, and that's just how he rolls. please, god, keep him safe too.

hell, keep them ALL safe. except the taliban terrorist mother fuckers.

o.m.g. the little girl from the office is just about on everyone's last nerve. *waves hand* i can't even speak of it. more another time. i KNOW i was not that aggravating at 21. i was not. was not. not. notnotnotnotnot.

on the road to self-improvement. jeebus, i'm a mess. suddenly, i have lines. and grays, and *gasp* cellulitical particles forming. shoot me now. please. PLEASEfortheloveofallthat'sholyshootmyagingassNOW.

i look like a middle-aged woman. when the hell did that happen? my dad told me a few weeks ago "Wow, you look like your mom."

*blink*

"Um, thanks?" shit. GREAT. (No disrespect to my mom; she's beautiful. But in her LATE 50's) HELLO.

anyhow... on the family side - we just found out that my sis-in-law has MS. That's Multiple Sclerosis. I know very little of it - all i remember is doing read-a-thon fundraisers in grade school for it. So of course I'm trying to educate myself as quickly as I can. What do you say to someone who just found this out Friday? And has 3 kids 8 and under? And is only in her mid-30's? And is married to your favorite brother? Yes, he's my only brother, but that's irrelevant. keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

dad has parkinson's. he will be moving in with me shortly. he thinks he's helping me. because of course, i told him i just can't do it without working 3 jobs. he wants to move in and "help" so i only have to work one job and enjoy myself.

buahahahaha. now wait a minute. not because he said that *squeeze* i just love him. but because all i've ever done is work. in my 87 past lives, i've defined myself by work. i've had to because of child support obligations. it's really all i've ever known. i don't know that i know HOW to enjoy my time off. what do you do with yourself besides sleep? *shakes head* it's going to take some getting used to, i'm sure.

speaking of... time to give the pillow some head *giggle* so i can get up early for, you guessed it, WORK!

sweet.

*hugs*

PS... I Love You

2008-06-05T23:13:00.002-05:00

Pickle is home for the summer. She got here last night. We've had two nights of catching up, hanging out, getting used to each other again. It's so hard to believe that in 6 months, she will be an adult and my time with her will become even shorter.

She is so like me in so many ways. Her love of learning, music, and the inner strength to get her through difficult times. We share a love of classic movies, classic rock and trashy jennifer crusie books. I know, but she's damn funny.

Anyhow, we decided to grab a few movies tonight at the local video store after dining out at the fine Taco Bell establishment. We picked out our movies and headed home. Her choice was PS I Love You. Romantic comedy, chick flick, date movie kind of thing. Alright, if nothing else, I'll get a nap.

Wrong.

It was a fun movie, in a sappy kind of way. And very thought-provoking (at least for me). I'm watching bits and pieces of this and remembering bits and pieces of the past and I am feeling pain as I haven't in a long time; great swells rushing to my head and my chest.

I try to not be, but I fear I am a hopeless romantic. *yak* *gag* *sigh*

So, tonight my heart is hurting, and I am missing someone. When you have that perfect love, and it ends suddenly, how do you move past it? Do you forget everything, wipe it out of your mind? Ignore the memories and push out the feelings? Or do you let it wash over you and feel the absolute pain tearing through your entire body until every fiber of you is begging for rest and release? Do you stoicly hold back the tears until you are composed, or let them fall free, cleansing you? Have you ever been to the edge? Knowing the past is gone, but living it in secret corners of your mind? If you have that truly free, safe, all-encompassing love, how do you move out of that shell?

Too much pain tonight, folks. I have remembered why I try so hard to forget - the ache is still too real, and the process of healing must begin again. So I'll remind myself that this movie gets shelved, along with Michael and Meet Joe Black. Life doesn't work out; people aren't waiting around the corner, and the end is the end.

If you lost it, be thankful you had it. If you have it, cherish it. Now.

*hugs*
miss b

Slapped in the face with the truth...

2008-06-01T13:03:00.002-05:00

America is not at war. America's Military is at war. America is at the mall.

Why Old(er) Women do not wear Thongs...

2008-05-28T20:18:00.002-05:00

Ok, just for the benefit of a little naughty pleasure, I purchased a couple pairs of thongs. Yes, I know they've been around for a long time, but I really wasn't interested before this point. The thought of sexy underwear making me feel like a hottie woman again was enticing. I was with my daughters at the time, and actually the most fun was watching the bewildered looks and embarrassed shuffling in the store so as not to be mistaken as being part of my family. Of course, I had to hold them up, wave them around, and say, "What about these? They have sparkly stuff on them! *giggle*"

Anyhow, buying them and wearing them are two totally different worlds. I was brave one day, and thought, hell, I'll wear a pair to work, just to see if they are as comfortable as everyone (under the age of 22) says. I mean, if the new receptionist can wear them and lean over and have them show four inches above her pants line, surely I can wear them under jeans that have a lot more coverage. That, and I hadn't done laundry, and they were clean. Truth told, that's the only reason.

So, I found some issues with said thongs that I thought should be brought to light for anyone thinking of attempting these for the first time. Seriously, girls, it's all about awareness and safety. I'm here for ya. *hit the rock*

Logistics
Not only are we left wondering, as we look at these things, where they go, but more precisely HOW we are to put these things on without:

a) falling over and maiming ourselves because we knock ourselves silly from not being able to react as one of our feet is bound up behind our back

b) causing serious damage to tender parts of our anatomy because we so cannot judge the actual "size" before purchase, therefore causing us to attempt to wrap a small rubber band around a basketball.

Shock Value

Have you ever seen those swimsuit model types in a pair of thongs? Ok. Just so you know, this is NOT the image that is portrayed as you turn around to look in the mirror. Rather, what is shown are great lumps of ass split in half by something the size of a headband, with a strip of material running horizontally across the top, causing said lumps of ass to appear CLOSER to the waist, making one look shorter, and one's ass look larger. The horror; the horror!

Accessories
Not being prepared for thongs can be especially damaging to both one's self-image, and one's physical attributes.

Case in point, panty liners. Yes, I know they make them for thongs, but having just picked some up on a whim, had only regular panty liners.

This does not work.

Obviously, they are shaped differently. This causes stickage problems.

Visual:

Tail end of liner sticks to actual outerwear. Not an issue until one tries to remove them for little things like, oh, say, PISSING. At this point, the tail end stays adhered to the outerwear, causing the top end to tug down, dislodge, and possibly even flip over, thereby adhering itself to the natural covering of said private area. Yes, pubes. And it fucking hurts. And if you have not pissed yourself by the time you have removed the liner from yourself, the pain from the hairs that have been ripped from your body is none compared to the lower regions which may come in contact with the urine. Did I say open, gaping wounds in the lower regions which may come in contact with the urine?

And yet, people get brazilian waxes all the time. Why? But, I digress...

Scrapage

Thongs move. And rub. And chafe. In an area that is fairly tender to begin with. Seriously. Take a piece of material, doesn't matter how soft, and rub it back and forth in the crack of your ass. It WILL cause rug burn because you are NOT supposed to have material that close to the inside of your ass. And as you move and bend and lean over, it tugs and not only do you get rug burn in your ass line, you nearly sever yourself in two at your vagina because if they were too stretchy, they would fall off. Have you ever worn them, leaned forward in your chair at work to speak with someone, and try to not scare them with the contortions on your face at the sudden, searing pain in your ASS? How do you even come up with ANY explanation that is believable? "Oh, I pulled a muscle. IN MY ASS CRACK."

Nutbush City Limits

It doesn't matter what size you are, thongs are not going to cover, well, pretty much ANYTHING. Without giving too much detail, I try to maintain in this area. Keep it trim, under control. mmm-kay, it doesn't matter. Unless you are bald as a cue ball, you will strain the limits of the fabric, poke out on all sides and be "unkempt". Not a problem, you say? No one can see it, right? True. However, because you are not "contained," you may have issues with stickage (see "Accessories" section above) AND wrappage. You know what wrappage is. It's the continual friction between outwear, underwear, and pubic hair, causing said hair to become wrapped around itself, or the clothing, and tug, causing minor twinges of discomfort at inopportune times - such as when the cute copy repair guy comes in to ask a question, or the hottie little yard guy needs help with tags. Or, in extreme cases of moving wrong, ripping removal of said pubes at precisely the moment there is a lull in conversation, or you are directly in front of the senior-most member of management, who has just asked you a question on which the balance of your career rests. Either way, the ONLY way to disengage the wayward hairs is to shove your hands down your pants, and extricate the hairs from the fabric, readjust thong, and start over. Repeat approximately every 20 minutes. A real conversation starter, but not recommended in the vicinity of, oh, anyone.

And if you ARE bald as a cue ball, and have had any children, the baby pooch WILL strain the limits, resembling tapioca pudding being shit around a sparkly diaper. It's a sight you can only truly appreciate by seeing it in full daylight in your mirror. But don't worry; there's still therapy.

Seepage
Ok, as we age, our "luv" muscles don't work as well as they once did. Ever sneezed suddenly? Laughed uncontrollably? Had to "poot?" Any of the above causes liquid seepage from one side or the other. Either way, there is not enough material to contain any of it. You might consider this as a swaying factor in whether or not you will wear them. Seriously, if there's nothing to catch it, where does it go? Right. It starts soaking through your clothes. Women over the age of 25, or anyone who have had 2 or more children, beware.

Ladies, I believe in education and information. Consider this not so much a warning as a public service announcement. It's all about you. So, will I ever wear them again? Sure. After losing 80 pounds, a tummy tuck, and Hell freezes over. Then again, the Eagles DID get back together...

the greatest night ever...

2008-05-24T22:19:00.002-05:00

i just spent four and a half hours with the most amazing man.

we talked of politics, life, history.

we had supper together that i cooked (which of course was wonderful!)

we shared views on movies, books, and travels he had been on in the past.

i thought of nothing and no one else but him and what he was saying.

and for those few, brief moments, i was the happiest girl in the world.

i love you dad <3

weekend plans...

2008-05-23T17:55:00.002-05:00

right before closing time tonight, one of the little hottie yard fellas (who at this point, i have socks older than, but 20 years younger would be all over) is chit chattin' with me. he's helped me move, hook up my washer, and liberate my quesadilla from my oven. i've known him a couple years - he's almost done with college and will be heading back home in a couple weeks. nice kid.

lhyf: you workin' all weekend again?
me: actually, i have tonight and tomorrow off.
lhyf: cool. what are you doing?
me: hopefully someone tall and rich.

buahahahahaha

thankfully he is old enough to appreciate my sense of humor... ;) the hr guy in the next room, however, just shakes his head at me.

have a great weekend ya'll... don't forget why we're celebrating. hug a vet, thank a soldier, and put your damn hand over your heart when the flag passes by this weekend. oh, and you better not even THINK about keeping that hat on.

- Happy Memorial Day
*hugs*

miss b

let it be

2008-05-22T23:34:00.004-05:00

in a conversation i had with mr m a couple months ago, he said something with which i totally agree. everyone is brought into your life for a reason. for what reason and how long they stay, however, is totally unknown.

the last couple days i've been mulling this around. this is not the first time i heard this thought. i was told once i was an angel to someone who had lost his best friend in a car accident. i think it was a case of unrequited love, but they were best friends, and he loved her, but not enough to ruin the friendship by trying something more. anyhow, he missed "kimmie" and told me that i was his kimmie, who was there to remind him to take the steps and chances that you were afraid to, because you never know when that chance will be gone, and just because someone leaves your life and you start living again, does not mean they meant any less to you.

he was in my life for nearly four years. he brought to me a faith in myself, and a finding of inner strength that i'd forgotten i had. i remembered how to laugh, love, and just breathe. i guess he was just preparing me for when he would no longer be in my life, because when he was gone, i had to learn how to laugh, take a chance on getting my heart broken again, and just breathe to survive. for four years after, i missed so much the simple things. having him pat my hair, warming my hands on his belly (he used to untuck his shirt when we sat down to cuddle because he knew i was going to pull the shirt out and put my hands on his belly anyway *grin*) and the contented feeling of being safe and loved. i feared nothing; i had thoughts, opinions, emotions, and was loved in spite of, and because of, them.

then he was gone. and i was spinning. and i shied away from everyone because i did not want to go through being close to anyone again. how do you tell your secrets? let your feelings out? trust anyone enough to let them see the real you? and i realized, through going, he taught me that i was strong enough without anyone, even him, to live - not just survive. because for over three years, that's what i did. survived. barely at first; then a bit more. and little by little, i started living, and experiencing new things, and opening up to people. and as i started to forget him, i started remembering me.

enter mr m. funny guy, somewhat charming, easygoing. so i peeked out over the wall again. and i am reminded again that people come and go, and we can't control their thoughts or feelings, but we can move past the pain and learn. and you know me; i'm all about learning.

so what is it that's learned? i'm still me. i have my own thoughts, my own opinions, and my own emotions. and they will not always be agreed with, and in some cases, tolerated. and that's ok. they are only a very small part of what makes me, me. i take full responsibility for who i am and what i do, say, and feel - just as i expect from everyone in my life. i am worth the expectation that i am not just out for a good time. i do not have to act trashy to get attention - getting attention has never been an issue. i've taught and raised my girls that if you act like a whore, you will be treated like one. if you expect someone to treat you well, act as if you should be treated well. this has been an eye-opener. we both came through a distressing situation a little worse for wear, but still ok. fortunately. i am reminded that it could have been much worse, and that there are reasons i have the beliefs i do, and why they have always worked for my life. i am neither a bad person, nor perfect. i am beautifully human. we all crave the human touch; sometimes sex will do, but touch without love becomes empty. i've been empty long enough. i want that fullness of faith, feeling, hope, love and laughter. there is no room for hatred and anger. life is toxic enough. there is learning, growing, and moving on to the next level of life.

so i shall continue being me. is there someone out there strong enough for me? i'm pretty sure there is; the question will be, will they be ready?

Why I love the men on dating sites...

2008-05-21T16:24:00.003-05:00

Inbox
Sent
Compose Message
Bulletins
Post Bulletin

From:Bryan
To:Me
Date:May 21, 2008 5:19 AM
Subject:it's my bday was wondering...
Message:
it's my bday was wondering if u would have 5 minutes of phone sex with me hun plz

From:Miss B
To:Bryan
Date:May 21, 2008 5:22 AM
Subject:Re: it's my bday was wondering...
Message:
sure baby, but it'll cost ya 4.99 a minute - cash or credit cards only...

putz

memorable days...

2008-05-17T11:23:00.006-05:00

Ok, so I've been "dating." By dating, I mean going out repeatedly with Mr M, talking on the phone occasionally and chatting during the day several days a week before he goes into work when I'm on lunch. By repeatedly, I mean 1-2 times a month physically hanging out for about the last 4 months.

In all this time, it's been understood that we are not exclusive. He has always been open about the fact that he has lots of "friends", who happen to be female. His myspace page is testament to that. He talks about looking for a serious relationship, but it wasn't to that point. Good company, good conversation, and yes, good sex. And realistically, I haven't been turning down movie invitations from others, either.

So he comes my way to hang out at the mall, catch a movie and spend some time together. I notice he's being a bit odd. By odd, I mean quiet, reserved, not as amused as usual.

We're back at the house, checking stuff out on ebay, talking, and he tells me he has something to let me know. Here it comes... I figured he's decided it's too far a distance, or he's just not interested in anything serious or long-term. So I listen patiently as he talks about a dinner he went to with one of his "friends" a couple weeks back. When I talked to him on the phone previously, he told me about the restaurant, how the service was lousy, yada yada yada. Totally benign stuff. Well, this was different. He was intimate with her for a short time about 6 months ago. It passed, and they chit-chat and catch an occasional dinner or movie, but hadn't been together physically since before the holidays. No biggie, right? Well, not exactly.

"You know I am about using protection with anyone until I know there's no reason to?"

"Yea."

"Well, we did. She hadn't been with anyone for several years, and I asked her if it was still necessary, and she told me no."

"K."

*confused*

"She has herpes."

*blink*
*blink*
*head swimming*
*blood rushing through ears*

He could see it coming. "Wait a minute."

*breathe*

"I didn't want to tell you this on the phone, but our schedules haven't worked til now. I wanted to make sure you knew this. But the thing is, she just told me."

*blink*

"She said that at the time we were together, she wasn't having an outbreak, and hadn't had for awhile. And she said she knew I wouldn't want to be with her if I knew, just like the others."

*begin rant*

What a piece of shit. OMFG. How stupid is this person? And she would think you'd want to be with her NOW???

*end rant*

He was pissed at her. I don't blame him. I would be too if someone purposely lied to me about that. She only told him now because she's been trying to get him to have sex with her again, and she's having an outbreak because she's having "personal issues" (read: drama) in her life. She's beyond a fucknut. She is a rancid piece of whoreflesh who needs fucking stabbed. *breathe*

"She knew and didn't tell you? What the hell is wrong with her? She put you and anyone else at risk. And if she lied about herpes, what else is she lying about?"

"Exactly. I know. I can't believe it. I've been wanting to talk to you about it, but our schedules haven't mixed. I didn't want to tell you this over the phone. I've been to the doctor, he gave me information about it, and I've been tested. I should be getting the results back this week."

"Well, I appreciate you letting me know. At least now I can talk to my gyno and make sure I get tested. I'm sure it was difficult. "

"It's very difficult. I wanted you to know; I felt it was only right. And not just because of that. I don't go around sleeping with a bunch of women unprotected, and I'm pretty sure you're not bangin' anyone else. But, and this is going to make me sound bad, but you know how it is. I hang out with other friends, and if you and I don't see each other for a month or so, God this is going to sound bad, but I may see one or two of my other friends, and we have sex. But I am always careful to use something with them."

*stare*

Ok. I knew he had dinner, went to movies, shopping, etc with other women. We didn't go into great detail about other stuff, and I'm not a casual type person, but my stupid ass is just old-fashioned enough to think that having sex with someone meant a bit more than just going out on a date. And I'm not saying it was love, because we were far from that. After Captain Crazy, I learned not to put the heart out very easily.

*stomach turning*

Great. So, do I be pissed at him? For what reason? Because I'm a dumbass? He told me. He didn't have to, although it would have been morally and ethically wrong. Just like that stupid cunt who did not tell him because she was "afraid he wouldn't want to go out with her anymore."

Wrong. What she was afraid of was that he wouldn't have sex with her anymore. What is it with people these days? It's like they're looking to hook up with as many people as they can and solid committment is a non-issue.

And now that the rose-colored glasses have been ripped from my eyes, it is extremely clear from his conversation, the locations of the women he dates, his webpage, and the skanky messages that all the women in his little harem leave on it that he has no intentions of being serious with anyone at this point. He's having too much fun getting strange every week or so to consider anything other than occasional hookups.

Not my thing.

So do I create an account on his webpage server so I can leave a message about how this bitch of a skank has herpes and anyone who's been with him should be tested? Juvenile, I know. But so fucking tempting.

So after reviewing seven ways to kill someone without getting caught and regressing back to pre-therapy days, I put her out of my mind and moved forward. I checked out webmd, found out some information and know what to tell the doc when I go in. Um, yea, I am. Just 'coz someone tells me they did it, no longer means I believe it. Have I seen a signed affidavit that says so? No. Thankyouverymuch. Valtrex, anyone?

So I see him online from work and we chit chat a bit. I, with my warped sense of humor, make an offhand remark to something being as bad a bad bout of herpes. He was unamused. He finds nothing funny about either my comment, or the other woman who chose to not share on purpose. Can't help it. See the humor, or die a miserable, sour, jaded piece of flesh. I choose to be amused. Some days it's the only thing that gets me through.

So meanwhile, he tells me he's called his doc, and that the tests came back negative. Absolutely nothing. Fabulous. Hopefully mine will as well. As we all know, symptoms are different in men and women, and I've been compulsive about my sexual health up til now. I preach it to my kids. How sad that I have been a bad example. I feel so dirty.

Sorry kids, you truly do not know someone, even if you've slept with them. There should be so much more there than good times before you trust someone with your personal health. Nobody is going to watch out for you; you must watch out for yourself...

Sonofabitch. I actually LIKED him.

And now, for the REST of the story.... but to get there, you must go here... and to do this, you must have the key... contact me for one. These are rare.

Have a great weekend all... and stay safe.

*hugs*

miss b

and once again, miss b is a dumbass...

2008-05-16T10:15:00.000-05:00

oh do i have some stories for you...

and since i'm at work right now, it will have to wait til i'm done waitressing tonight...

but there will be fodder for amusement.

and reasons for blackmail and murder.

coz now, miss b is pissed.

and now i'm done.

weekend madness...

2008-05-07T22:50:00.003-05:00

as always, i'm running a hundred miles an hour. generally, my schedule is:

sun 4-8 restaurant
mon 6:30-whenever office (usually around 6-730)
tues 7a-5:30 office 5:30-8 tavern 8:15-11 cleaning office
wed 7a-5:30 office 6p-11p pickle time (daughter hang-out time)
thurs 7a-6p office 6p-9p cleaning office
fri 7a-530p office 530-whenever tavern
sat 7a-12p work at the yard hooking trucks

hell, i'm tired just thinking about it. i used to clean sun afternoons too, but i got out of that. i've decided i'm going to give up the tavern on tuesdays because a) it doesn't really make me much money because it's pretty slow - i can work at the office or clean earlier and make more per hour and b) i am just exhausted by the time the weekend gets here. the plan is after the summer, i'm going to give up the restaurant job, then i'll have off most weekends. after this month, i won't have to work at the yard every weekend. just a busy month for my boss with his kid graduating and two in track.

so this weekend, or what is technically the weekend, i have a million things that need to be done. after work saturday, i have to clean, do laundry, put my bed back together AGAIN, sort through my clothes (cleaned the closet out), go through the "pile o' mail" that has built up on my desk, finish a letter to a kid from the restaurant who is currently finishing up boot camp in the next few weeks, clean out the jeep, clean out the garage, re-attach the hose to my dryer vent (which i discovered was no longer attached when i turned on the dryer and fluff went flying everywhere-nice), figure out why i'm getting no cold water to my washer, shop for work shoes, maybe catch a movie, and find time to relax.

*sits in corner, rocks back and forth, and sucks thumb*

buahahahahaha

i'll be glad to get back to work monday to get some rest. i feel a sore throat coming on again, and i hope it's just because of the rainy weather today.

tater, i think a long vacation in the sun would do me some good... pick me up on your way back through, will ya?

so what are YOUR weekend plans?

I'm so in the wrong profession...

2008-05-05T23:33:00.001-05:00

Pay up, mofo's... i'll give up all four jobs

He Hit Her

2008-04-30T23:52:00.002-05:00

Unfuckingbelievable.

Sunday night, ranting and raving about not getting the prom picture, he tears apart the armoire in her bedroom, pieces flying and doors breaking. He then hits her upside the head and as she turns to protect herself, again on the shoulder.

With his fist.

*blink*

I find out about it tonight.
And it's not the first time.

She was too scared to say anything before because she didn't want to make it worse.

The grandparents knew of the other times.

And Did. Not. Tell. Me.

*breathe*

I am calm-angry. You know the kind. The wheels are turning, the head spinning, and the need for silence to think is upon me.

Wait til you hear the REAL reason he was upset. Not because of the pictures, but because I ruined his junior prom by not going with him (we dated all through high school off and on) and now I've ruined HER junior prom FOR him because I got pictures with her and he didn't.

Are you fucking kidding me? What are you, twelve? Junior prom was 22 years ago. What does that have to do with anything at all about her prom now? You yelled this at her, and of course, because it was oh I don't know, FOUR YEARS BEFORE SHE WAS BORN, she didn't have a clue what you were talking about.

You

are a fucknut. A miserable excuse for a human being, and not worthy of being her father.

I'm so pissed off I've got a migraine coming on...

We interrupt this blog for this public service announcement...

*beep*

I must take care of this... I feel some crazy days coming soon...

hug your kids.
NOW.

Hard Day's Night

2008-04-29T22:35:00.003-05:00

I try to remember that I love my job; that I have a decent job with good working conditions, and quite a bit of flexibility if I need it.

However.

Working for a family-owned business is sometimes, well, how shall we say, shitful.

Take my boss (please.) He, I and another driver were chatting about the price of fuel, and I remarked that if the prices kept going up, I was going to have to get a bike. He -apparently thinking he's hilarious- said, "Well, there's a difference between HAVING a bike and USING it."

*blink*
*blink*

WTF? Let's review. I work FOUR jobs. I hook up the drivers' trucks on the weekends. Plus, I raise kids and maintain a household by MYSELF. It's not like I'm some lazy bitch who hangs out eating bon-bons when I'm not at my desk filing my nails. Just because you're having "issues" with the fact that you didn't run all winter, and are half-heartedly making the attempt to take off the weight that you put BACK on over the winter after making everyone in the office feel like frumpy lumps every time we ate something sweet or drank pop, does NOT give you the right to make any kind of remark of what I might or might not do should I choose to purchase some type of alternate transportation.

Putz. (Look that one up in the dictionary.)

And THEN... oh yea, it gets better.

I head back to the scale room to avoid telling you what a fucknut I think you are, and having your sibling (who is the office manager) try to make me feel like a failure, it's a banner fucking day.

I have a college degree in computer science. I have taught Adult Education Basic Computer courses at a local college and a local Vo-Ed school. I have worked in several IT departments of some major corporations (BP, ITT) AND owned my own computer store at one time. I have developed, published, and used my own manuals to teach these courses. I have forgotten more about computers and accounting than you will ever know. So for you to say, "All that education and teaching, and now you're a dispatcher" really sets me off.

A) I spent 15 years doing all this stuff, and raising a family. I decided that the type of lifestyle it required and the toll it was taking on my health was not the direction in which I wanted to go.

2) I AM NOT A DISPATCHER. I have been a dispatcher. I have been a team leader for over 40 drivers. I have been a dispatch manager in charge of 8 dispatchers, 100 drivers, brought in record numbers for income, and taught board babysitters how to BE dispatchers. I am not ashamed of having done something that I loved to do at one time, and did it well. I am, however, not dispatching. I am brokering freight, managing the billing and accounts receivable, logs, and compliance records of a successful multi-million dollar trucking company in addition to cleaning up the delinquent accounts, analyzing the lanes for profitability, implementing EDI with major customers for automatic tracking and payment, and developing the documentation for training and job duties so that sometime this lifetime I can take time off and someone will actually be able to do the work in my absence. As this has NEVER been done for this company, I would think you'd be a little more grateful that I'm making your job easier in the event that I get sick, or should we hire someone new, we can train them without re-inventing the wheel every time. Oh, wait, I'm doing YOUR job in this company. Bitch.

I'm thinking of a word. It starts with a C and ends with a T. Today you are a coat.

*sigh*

On the up side, tonight is dinner day with my daughter, and this weekend my brother and his family are coming out to visit so I'm gonna get some baby-lovin'. *grin*

*yawn* time to give my pillow some head... ;)

*hugs*

Isn't she lovely...

2008-04-28T19:37:00.005-05:00

My babygirl.

Junior Prom.

Almost grown up.

She says, "Mom, I feel so pretty."

*bawl*

You are, kiddo, you are.

*begin rant*
Fast forward to today. She is grounded until school is out. She has had her cell phone taken away. She has had her car taken away. She must ride the bus and is allowed to go only to school functions and home.

Why? It was my weekend. She made plans to spend the night with a girl friend. (A group went stag together.) She ended up not staying at that friend's house, but elsewhere. When asked, she told the truth, as she always does.

The kicker: she was not grounded by me, but by her father, with whom she lives. (I find all this out tonight - because I cannot reach her and her sperm donor is not man enough to call me and tell me.)

*sigh*

Let's review. It's MY weekend. It is not YOUR place to punish her. She is a 4.0, goes to school, to work, and to grandma's. In case you don't remember, dumbass, I was THERE when you were at your prom. And after. And after after. Until roughly 11 am THE NEXT MORNING when we got home. She was at work by 8 this morning. What a horrible child. Moron.

Don't even go there with me. You fought and connived and twisted until you got the courts to let you keep her. You wanted to raise her with little input from me. You made sure of it. So don't look to me for support in your little self-pity tirade (yea, she didn't come home to have a picture taken with you - you were at your son's ball game and weren't even THERE!) You want your "all powerful control" over her, you got it. However, YOU alone must deal with the consequences of your actions. Your relationship with her, or lack thereof, is of your own making.

So I will pick her up on Wednesday, as I always do, and there will be NO shit from you.

*end rant*

happiness is...

2008-04-27T20:55:00.004-05:00

pulling two pairs of jeans out of the closet that i haven't been able to get past my chubby, little thighs for the last two years ~ and having them fit. not perfectly, but getting there...

having my youngest girl (17) tell me how good one of those said pair of jeans make my butt look. and since my ass is just slightly less than the size of Montana, THAT's a compliment!

More stupidity...

2008-04-26T10:21:00.004-05:00

Ok, I admit, I'm not the most graceful person in the world anymore. I'm willing to accept that. But does it have to be that every time I do something frickin' ungraceful, I have to be in front of the one someone that I really don't want to do something stupid?

Cutie-but-not-hottie-foreign-it-guy asked me a question. I'm in the next room with a wall dividing us, so I don't always hear him. I walk around the corner to where his desk sets, with a standard metal chair sitting beside it.

I have a habit of leaning. Correction: I HAD a habit of leaning. Usually I would put my knee up on the chair and lean over the desk because his questions tend to turn into lengthy discussions.

Apparently, the chair was tired of being leaned on by me. The middle broke out of it, and my knee went right down through the middle. No fear, I didn't fall all the way through because my SHIN stopped my fall. Son of a bitch.

So there I am, trapped in the center of the chair, hands on the desk to keep me from knocking myself out on a metal box he has on the edge, and what does CBNHFITG do?

Laughs his fucking ass off.

No "Are you alright?" or "Can I help you?" Just buahahahahahaha.

Fucker.

So I remove myself from what's left of the chair with as much decorum as I can muster while saying "Damn that hurt." I hobble around with what's left of my pride (for cryin' out loud, do I have ANY left?) and take the remains of the chair out to the dump area. All the while, CBNHFITG is just dying.

I go into the HR guy's office and tell him I should start an incident report because I've maimed myself on company property. He asked what happens; I tell him. He said he heard CBNHFITG laugh, but didn't know why. I told him I was unamused at the lack of help received by CBNHFITG. HR Guy started laughing. I told him I didn't think that was appropriate HR behavior. He then asked me if I was alright, to which I put my hand up and walked out of the room, listening to BOTH HR Guy AND CBNHFITG laughing around me. They were only sad that they didn't catch it on video so they could put it on YouTube and America's Funniest Home Videos. Assholes.

So for the rest of the day, I hear CBNHFITG talking about how I was Jackie-Chan style karate kicking the furniture and hurting myself. HR Guy was defending himself saying he DID ask if I was alright... yea, AFTER you laughed at me. Putz.

Then CBNHFITG asks me if I'm ok. I tell him I'll live, just as I always do. So he says, "Good, then I don't want to hear you bitch about it all day."

Dick.

And of course, half the office was down at the tavern Friday night to tell me not to lean on any furniture and hurt myself. And to watch out for my leg while I was working.

*sigh*

So today I'm hobbling around with a bruise on my leg the size of Rhode Island and being pissy.

But not for long... Pickle has her first Prom tonight... so off I go to help her get ready... Hair, nails, makeup, pretty, strappy shoes... *sigh*

Have a great weekend...

*hugs*

and last summer, at band camp...

2008-04-25T01:15:00.000-05:00

Good Gawd, where to begin? It's been so long, I guess we fall into all the categories tonight. So let's just begin at the beginning...

Foul and Pissy

Ugh. Day 2. Crampy, bitchy, and very impatient. Warm hands sound good about right now. Top that off with the new receptionist that started this week. 22, hair down to there, boobs out to here. You know the type. Duh. Tee hee hee. Yak. Listen to the little stories and watch all the old men drool while the younger guys fall all over themselves. Yea yea yea. I hope I wasn't that annoying at that age, but I'm sure I was. *grin* She's nice. But dumb. We sent her on an errand today to get a round tuit. It's a round disc that has Tuit written on it. (Around to it... get it?) Anyhow, she's running around from person to person (who are all in on it) to get this round tuit. AFTER we finally stop her and explain it, she says, "I still don't get it." Just our way of welcoming new blood to the office. Anyhow, she's bored, so she plays on the internet and reads girly magazines in between the 5 phone calls a day. She's supposed to be helping me to take off some of the extra work. Argh. Oh and THEN... Cutie but Not Hottie IT guy, who I've been asking for 6 months to put the timecard program on my computer because for some reason the scanner refuses to clock me in and out without reprogramming my hand every 3 weeks and at least 6 or 8 times of trying with everyone waiting behind me, *breathe* puts the program on her computer after the FIRST day. Oh HELL no. So, I do a little bitching to the right person (quietly of course) and suddenly EVERYONE in the office has the program. Including me. Who, of course, was the LAST person to get it. And apparently the most difficult because the computer kept freezing up and it took him about an hour to install what took about 3 minutes on the others'. Buahahahahaha... mess with me, will ya? Putz.

Hero Scoop

Hero D is heading back to the States from the Sandbox in the next 90 days or so. I'm excited for him and his buddies. It's been a long year over there. He's one of the cool ones who gets to hide out, recon, and find the bad guys. I get to chit chat with him at work coz he NEVER sleeps, and it's fun to hear the stories. Of course, I'm insanely jealous because he's travelled all over the world, gets to do covert shit, and can actually speak Spanish fluently (remember my pathetic attempt at taking a Spanish class?) Yea. I can say hello, goodbye, taco, and horse. We speak in English... anyhow, God willing, I'll get to visit with him when he's stateside. Aren't those folks awesome? He hangs out in the mountains for weeks at a time with no sleep; I'm pissy if I get less than 5 hours a night. I'm such a wuss.

Intellectual Stimulation

I am moving in different directions now. I'm finally settling in to being happy with me. I still work too damn much, but I'm working really hard at learning to just be. I have rearranged my schedule so I get Saturday nights and Sunday afternoons off, and I try to make sure I get out and do things with people. All work and no play makes Miss B a very cranky bitch. My fascination with learning everything about everything still drives me crazy. However, I don't feel the need to re-invent myself all the time. That's not to say I'm not striving to improve myself, my life, my health, and my relationships. But if you constantly change yourself, at what point do you stop and say, hey-this is me? How do you know that you are really what you want to be if you change what you are all the time? I am still taking classes, but trying to make myself read for pleasure as well. That's hard to do, not because I don't like to - love it! - just hard to enjoy it when thinking I need to be reading homework. *sigh* But I see some of my favorite authors have some new books out, and it's time to get caught up...

My Den

Well, Junior has moved into her first apartment with a couple friends. It's a 3 bedroom half a house. With a fireplace. It's actually pretty decent. And between the 3 of them, they have furniture, dishes, everything they need. Including my bed. Don't even ask.

Pickle and I went to dinner Wednesday like we usually do. Then we went to the park where she used to play soccer and walked around. They've really changed it; it's pretty cool. Well, just so happens, the park is right across the block from her new boyfriend's house. The one who's been in love with her since 5th grade. So she talks me into walking over there. I meet his mom, and chit chat with him. We decide to go for a walk. His mom and I are walking along (I'm in sandals, mind you) and she and Little D get the bikes, along with his little sister. So we go walking, for 2 miles. After we already walked a mile around the park. Today, my feet have blisters on all sides, and my toe rings cut gouges into the tops of my toes, so I had to take them off and walk around the office barefoot today. Never again.

Bub is stoked. He's now officially old enough to drive. It's scary. Problem is, he hasn't been seizure-free for a year yet, so I don't know if he'll be able to take his test. We're in the process of finding out. Next month will be the one-year mark. He's trying hard to get enough rest and watch for the things that may trigger him. It's not easy for a 16 year old boy to do.

Office Escapades

Cutie but not Hottie Foreign IT guy is killing me. He tells me the other day he had a dream that he, I and Benji the Scalemaster were all living in the same house. What was even more disturbing, he says, was that we were getting along. We were sitting at a table, drinking coffee, and talking. I think I'm getting to him. *giggle* Because he hates me...

OMG. Saturday, I fill in and work the yard because the boss has kids who run track. No problem. It's cool to hook up the trucks, play on the cb with the other drivers and just do the physical work. Except when it doesn't always go smoothly. It's always the last truck that gives me fits. I had to wait on the tire guy to replace a flat tire on one of the tanks. No problem. I go back after about 20 minutes and he's good to go. So I back under the tank, hook up the air lines, and wander around to the other side to see if he needs to check the tractor while I'm back there. We chit chat a bit, and I get ready to pull out. Release the brakes, put the truck in gear, watch my mirror, and start to roll forward. It's pulling really hard. What the hell? Check to make sure the brakes didn't pop back out. Nope. Tires aren't moving. WTF? Ok, maybe the brakes are stuck, happens, I'll roll back and see if they release. Nope. The tire guy comes around the side of the truck, just as I realize... I have not. cranked. up. the. dolly. legs. Motherfucker. They're bent at about a 15 degree angle and the pressure is so much that if I start cranking on them and they give, the handle crank will come around and probably kill me. Dumbass. So the tire guy gets a couple blocks of wood, and we move the tractor enough to get them up on the blocks and release the pressure on the legs so I can crank them up. First year rookie bullshit. I'm pissed at myself. Not to mention the brace on the side has snapped so the driver cannot drop the trailer with any product in it until it's repaired. I call him to let him know this so he doesn't freak out when he sees it. My boss says I obviously need to work the truck list more so I don't make these mistakes. I tell him I need to work it less because I'm obviously not qualified to drive a truck anymore. So, I'll be working again this Saturday morning. Stupid stupid stupid. *sigh*

I have never been a morning person. I try really hard to get up and be on time for work. Some days it's a heroic feat. The other day, I showered, and put my headband on and just pulled my hair back from my face. My hair is naturally really wavy, bordering on curly. When it's raining or humid, I don't even bother trying to curl or straighten it. Well, any other day, no one says much about my hair. I leave it down and don't do anything with it, and EVERYONE in the office says how great it looks. WTF? I think I look like a dork with it natural. I don't get it. The yard manager, the office manager, 3 of the girls up front all said something. And I spend time "doing" my hair, why? Go figure.

Just Stuff

When I went to pick up Pickle the other day, her sperm donor was outside digging around in his garden. As I was waiting and watching, I mused at how different he was than when we were younger. He would never wear shorts, and always had to look "just so", hair had to be perfect, blah blah blah. This day, he was wearing long shorts, an old t-shirt, and a straw hat. buahahahaha He looked like a doofus. It was cathartic.

Tip Jar

Working at the bar the other night, the hot little yard guy who me and the other single woman in the office are always drooling over came in. He's 20 something, and just a little hottie. More so because he's a NICE hottie. We love ogling him and chatting him up because he always gets this "deer in the headlights, the fat old ladies are flirting with me again" scared look on his face, while he's looking around for the fastest escape. That's the fun in it. We got spanked for being too "playful" and were not allowed to fun around with him anymore because it was thought that we were harrassing him. However, he told our bosses the other day that he doesn't mind if we play with him. God love him. He came into the office last week and said it was hot in there, but maybe he was wearing too many clothes. I know. I couldn't stop myself. I told him he was welcome to take off his clothes if he needed to. He laughed and said he KNEW he said the wrong thing as soon as it came out. mm mm mmmm. *sigh* He asked his girlfriend to marry him over Christmas. Me and the other lady have agreed we will wear black because once he's married, he will no longer be fun. She and I share similar senses of humor, and are quite the terror when we're around each other. It's a good thing we work in different areas. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure we'd be in trouble ALL the time.

Misadventures in Dating

Oy vey. As always, something spectacularly stupid comes out of my mouth. There is a Person of Interest I've gone out with a few times. We'll call him Mr M. Mr M and I have fun when we hang out; not usually a dull moment. We share similar humor, and have a lot of the same ideas and perceptions about life in general. It's a comfortable fit. Anyhow, we were going to the truck show in Louisville KY and decided to leave early from his place because it was a long drive and we had both worked that night. It was about 3 in the morning, and we decided to take a nap before setting out. No biggie. As I get older, I find I don't get all wigged out about stuff anymore. And as it's been a reallllllllly long time since I've had someone regular around (thanks kids) there are things that can be disconcerting. Of course, it's always nice to cuddle with people (in a non-sexual way-just breathing, relaxing) but it's not something I do a lot. He mentioned I seemed a bit nervous.

"Well, I'm not used to sleeping with men."
*Mentally smack myself in the head*
He sits up. "As opposed to... sheep? women?"
"I KNEW as soon as I said it..." We laughed until my sides hurt.

However, turnabout is fair play. We were hanging out a few weeks later and he decided he needed to change the shower curtain. We went shopping, got him the new one, complete with liner, hooks, etc, and hung it. It looked good. I told him all his other lady friends would like it when they used his shower.

"Most of them don't shower."
*raise eyebrow*
"Really? Hmm. Is that like not being used to sleeping with men?"
"No, I mean they don't shower here. You know what I meant." *giggle*

It's good to laugh again. And out with Mr M and talking with Hero D and terrorizing Hottie Little Yard Guy, I realize that Captain Crazy has not crossed my mind in a long time. Nice. I can finally enjoy the company of other people without the crap. Yay me.

On Being Me

So there you have it... in a nutshell, this has been what's happening over the last few weeks. More to come, but I'm just whipped now... time to throw the towels in the dryer, put Scooby-Doo in the vcr, and drift off to dream about heroes and travels and sleeping with men.

*hugs*
miss b

Catch-Up

2008-04-22T14:02:00.002-05:00

I know, I know. I keep SAYING it, but it doesn't happen.

Tonight's the night.

Yes it is.

I've jotted a whole list of topics in my "blog notepad". I've been mentally writing it for a couple days. All the good stuff. The kid updates, the office drama, couple new misadventures in dating - always stellar fun! Intros to a couple new Persons of Interest. A new area called The Breakfast Club (members only) and some insights from some outsiders.

Yes I will.

*hugs*

is it working?

2008-04-18T19:58:00.002-05:00

Ok, I admit, I'm somewhat of a smart-ass.

No. Really.

So, sometimes with my twisted scotch-irish humor, I tend to fun with people just because I can...

First night waitressing on my own at the tavern, a group of 2 couples come in-an older couple and young couple. I gather by the way the other waitresses chitchat with them that they're regulars, so I seat them, give them the menus and take the drink orders. I get the drinks out to them without spillage and start to take their orders. The two ladies put theirs in, and the first fella finishes, so I turn to the last guy.

"What can I get for you tonight?"

"Can I have the 4 piece basket with fries?"

*straight face* "No."

He stops, looks up from his menu and looks at me like I have 3 heads while the rest of the table just bursts into laughter and rib him. His wife just loves it. "We've been coming here for years and no one's ever said no."

Well, I AM a unique individual. *grin*

So one day I'm on the road cruisin' along in the sunshine following another driver who's been yakkin' and complaining because he's had trouble with his lights. He's thinking because people keep cutting him off that his left turn signal isn't working. Since I'm right behind him, he wants me to check for him, so he turns his blinker on and asks me if it's working.

"Yep... nope... yep... nope..."

=D

Have a great weekend all...

*hugs*
miss b

2008-04-15T22:32:00.002-05:00

One of the drivers came in tonight while I was cleaning the office. He's one of the "not the sharpest tacks in the box," but a really nice guy. And, he always has the good road jokes.

So he's yapping away as I'm trying to finish up, and tells us (couple of the yard guys were in taking a break) about one he played on a female driver he was talkin' to goin' down the road.

He tells her he's been married four times.

"Four times? What happened?"

"Well," he tells her, "The first one died from eating poisoned mushrooms. The second one died from eating poisoned mushrooms. The third one died from a crushed skull."

"Wow, that's awful! How did her skull get crushed?"

"She wouldn't eat the fuckin' mushrooms."

buahahahahahahaha....

drivers are so twisted.

aren't we great? ;)

*hugs*
miss b

moms say the darndest things...

2008-04-10T20:26:00.003-05:00

I love being the parent of adult kids. I can now get away with saying things that totally blow their mind, acting all innocent and amusing myself.

case in point...

Me and the girls got together last night for dinner. We're chatting away and catching up with each other. Junior is being stalked by Little Yard Guy (mental note - kick his ass for telling her boss she is a stupid slut) and seeing someone new and having a "grown-up" relationship. Pickle broke up with her little friend (awww) and is now seeing someone who has been in love with her since the 5th grade. *sigh*

Anyhow, they ask me if I've been seeing anyone. I tell them I've gone out a few times with a fella.

and let the inquisition begin...

junior: who is he? where's he from?
me: just a guy.
pickle: would we approve of him? is he nice to you? does he treat you with respect?

me *deadpan*: well, yea, when he's not yankin' my hair or spankin' my ass.

buahahahahahahaha

junior/pickle: omg mom! we don't need to know that. that's so wrong.

junior: so are you having sex with him? 'coz you know it's ok if you have sex.

me: omg - ewwww. what?!!!

junior: so you are.

me: OMG what???!!!

sometimes it's soooo easy.

cleaning in the nude...

2008-04-04T22:39:00.003-05:00

OMG

For what reason did I ever stop this? The freedom of wandering around the house totally free of restrictive clothing. Feeling oh-so-sexy and more than a little naughty moving room to room. Feeling all those girly jiggly parts stop... 20 seconds after I actually stop. *sigh*

Oh yea.

Kids.

buahahahahahaha...

Actually, tonight's post is brought to you courtesy of one of my "friends" *wink wink nudge nudge* who is now on his way back to his place where I wait in his bathrobe... but more on that later. *grin*

Sick for 3 days folks; it was brutal. I've never been ill more times than this year... I think having 4 jobs finally caught up with me... we're working on that. I actually missed work one day this week. I know. My kids and my mom 'bout called out the National Guard. Not that I'm opposed to some hunky heroes showing up to make me feel better... Everyone at work followed me around with Lysol. I was not allowed to speak, and at one time there was a count of seven hands of all who thought I should just stop breathing altogether. Bastards.

Speaking of feeling better... it's about time for the man of the house to get home, and I am ALL about making sure his day ends even better than it started! I have the whole weekend off, and we're going to "putter" around the house. He calls it a girly word. I don't know what word men use to describe getting a bunch of little things done around the house. (Puttering!) But anyway... I'm perfectly fine with how he putters around my house, so I'll let him use the manly words c'mon!

Went to the truck show last weekend in Louisville KY... awesome truck fest! Stellar show trucks, and a KICKASS new release from International-Navistar = Lonestar! One mean lookin' big truck! I saw chrome, I saw stars, and I was a happy little truck driver...

More updates soon... meanwhile, I'm ok. Better than I've been in awhile. I'm learning to be still.

Damn that's hard.

*hugs*

happy birthday to me...

2008-03-29T21:23:00.000-05:00

*sigh*

more on the birthday weekend later... have a wonderful day!

*hugs*

What? Huh? Where am I?

2008-03-25T03:06:00.002-05:00

Ahh, the peace of a sleeping child. Two weekends ago I went to visit my brother and his family. My favorite niece, two, climbed up on the couch with me and took a nap. In my crazy, 100 mph, constantly moving world, this was a brief moment of heaven. There is nothing as calming as the peaceful look on a child's face, the scent of baby shampoo, and the rise and fall as they breathe while sleeping, no cares in the world. It just brings you back to normal. It's as close to calm as I've been in awhile.

Later that night, my favorite youngest nephew came out of his room in the middle of the night and curled up on the couch with his blankie at my feet. In the morning, my sis-in-law told me that she came out of the bedroom and he looked up at her, then over at me, and said, "Mommy, why didn't you tell me it wasn't you?" Aren't they great?

And of course, my favorite oldest nephew, who is now eight, was all over me. He made me promise that we were gonna "play games, and hang out and be buds."

My brother and his wife are going through a bit of a rough time. It's not easy keeping a family together these days. They're committed to doing it, and doing it happily. He's always been my sounding board, and voice of quiet sense when my world's gone awry. It's different being on the other side. My sis-in-law, mom and I went shopping *ugh* and had a really good time. My brother showed me his new band - first gig in June! - can't wait to see them in action. He's growing his hair and playing guitar... I asked him if he was going through a mid-life crisis. He said I wouldn't think it was a mid-life crisis if he made it big, and got to tour with Nickelback. *swoon* I would SO be their biggest groupie!

This past weekend the kids were all home for the holiday. My son was the last one in late Thursday night. The first hour was nothing but wrestling around, teasing, and picking. He is now getting "peach fuzz" on his face. His oldest sister was picking at him asking him if he was trying to grow it out. His dad chimed in and said it would grow a lot faster if he didn't shave it every two or three.... months. buahahahaha.

So I worked a half day Friday, came home and hung out with the kids. Sweet. Saturday we did our holiday. His dad and step-brother came over - we get along fine - and I was prepared. I told the ex I had a honeydew list for him. "Oh really?" Yep, might as well be useful since I'm feedin' ya. So, I got my oven light changed, my water heater turned up, and all the pictures and decorations I'd been trying to hang for six months put up around the house. He and the boys were busy for an hour while I started dinner.

Afterwards, we all did the play games, nap, and chit-chat thing. It was a wonderful day. And then...

5:20 Sunday morning, Junior comes in to tell me her car won't start (she has to work at 6) and what am I going to do about it? *sigh* I don't like being yelled at, especially in the mornings. Makes me very foul for the day. I tell her this. She goes out the door "thanks a fucking lot" and slams it, waking up everyone in the house. Oh hell no. If it were me, she could sit there til the cows come home, but I want everyone to be able to go back to sleep. So I ask the ex if he'll help. Gladly. We piddle around and about 15 minutes later we get the car started and she takes off... How old were you before you realized the world didn't revolve around your every waking moment?

Anyhow... the last month has been a blur. I just realized I haven't posted in over a month. I've thought about it, logged on to do it, and just haven't been able.

I'm doin' alright. Been working 3 jobs, and about to start a 4th tonight. Slowly catching up and hangin' in there.

OMG. Cutie but not hottie foreign IT guy must be having a midlife crisis as well. Two weeks ago Wednesday my girls came in to the office at the end of the day. We do "girls night" dinner and catch up with each other. He was chit-chatting with all of us and we being the nice people that we are, invited him out to dinner with us. Amazingly enough, he accepted. We went in Junior's car, and I will never let her drive again. She turns the music up, pulls in the wrong way, and just generally forgets she has a brain because there's a male in the vicinity. Anyhow, we go in to the local tavern and sit down. I am amazed. We had a very good time talking and laughing for about an hour and a half. Then we all went back to the office and got our cars to go home. The next day, he tells me I have two very different girls, but both very cool. We talk a bit about them. It's strange to have a non-work-related conversation with him. Now he says "hi" in the mornings, and he was actually picking on me yesterday. I think we've finally made our peace. It is strange. I guess the world is a smaller place when you are face-to-face with someone who is so totally opposite everything you've ever known. I am pretty patriotic, new generation with old traditions. You will never get me to say I'd ever rather be somewhere else. I will admit that sometimes I wonder what the hell is wrong with this country, but there is no place I'd rather be. I just try to not offend.

I'm not taking classes for the time being. They start up again in May. It's been a nice breather. I've gone out a few times with a good ol' boy. He's quite fun to talk to, and cool to hang around. However. Ugh. He has a MySpace page. No biggie, I have a blog. However, when I check it out and see his friends list (14 females and 1 male) and how they all say hello and how ya doin and how they're thinkin' of him and blah blah blah it just doesn't thrill me. Maybe I'm old-fashioned now, but I really don't want to be part of a harem. And I don't see him getting serious about anyone in the near future. He's having too much fun dating and being friends with all these women. mmm-kay.

So that's where I've been and what I've been up to... not much exciting... I do have some good work stories, but those will wait for another day...

So what have YOU been up to?

a walk through my childhood... oh, and fast forward to old frickin' age

2008-02-20T23:09:00.003-05:00

tonight was a fun night. me and the two girls for dinner. (on me of course, because full-time students with part-time jobs are ever-so-slightly poorer than i.)

i pick up pickle. she tells me about her prom dress, her competition this past weekend for solo & ensemble ("1" on both the woodwind quartet AND her singing solo - the highest score *proud mom moment # 18,473*) and the news of the latest struggle with her father. she's decided she's going pre-med, neurology. possibly pediatrics. we discuss college options, and how we need to get on the ball this year for apps and funding searches.

we get to junior's place (which is also pickle's grandparents.) junior had been fighting the flu for a week. she went to the er once, and again to the doc's. strep test negative, but if the latest round of meds doesn't kick her out of it, they're testing for mono. great. good gravy, she's costing me more now that she's an adult than she did as a kid.

anyhow, chit-chat with the elders and decide to go on into town. my hometown. where i have not been back to in close to 15 years. it's grown so much, and yet, it's STILL a 3 stoplight town.

park in front of the old diner to find it is now a mexican restaurant. awesome. and pretty decent food, although not as spicy as i'd like. decide to walk through town to see what's changed. man.

old bar is now an investment place. (hint? maybe) senior citizen's center is still there - guess people are still getting old in town. the pharmacy moved 2 doors down and got pretty good sized. down around the corner to show them the house in which i was raised. told them of the layout inside. shared a story of me and my brother climbing out my parents' window to play on the roof until a "concerned" neighbor called my mom and let her know we were out there. busybody bitch. we were having fun! and it was ONLY one story up for cryin' out loud. of course, we were 3 and 5. showed them where the trees used to be before the city cut them down. laid out the area between our old sidewalk and the neighbors' which was the perfect distance for kickball, football, and gymnastics contests. And now would suck because someone planted a tree right in the middle of the property line. how gauche. told them the stories of me and my brother riding our hot wheels (with racing stripes!) down the hill in front of our house to which we would yank on the cool hand brake, skid the tires and whip around to a stop. walked back uptown and showed them the wall of the theater where on a cold day i swooped into the alley, lost my footing, hit the wall and broke my skateboard. it was a cool board, too, back before they got really wide and hard to handle. walked downtown, showing them where the old jewelry store used to be, the pizza place where i worked when i was preggers with pickle, and the cool library in the high school basement BEFORE they built the great big one that pickle loves so much.

then we went to the coffee shop. that used to be the pirates cove burger joint. that used to be terry's drive-in malt shop and had the best. pizza. ever. wow. big culture change there. although, it was awesome. they had cappucinos, espressos, lattes, smoothies, books AND magazines. cool books and mags. (lisa scottoline, patricia cromwell, scientific american, archaelogy, discover) woo hoo! we were in heaven. we sat there for about an hour acting all grown-up and pretentious like we were educated or something.

then we started the long walk back across the three blocks of town. down past the bank that had a long brick wall where i and my ruffian friends used to sit in the middle of the hot summer nights and watch the car (yes, one - usually the cop) go by. showed them where the cool brick and stone water fountain used to be that the city spent $1000 on and is now no longer. found a cool used book store that we shall come and visit, and got back to the jeep to head back.

back to drop off junior, chit chat with the elders, look at the prom dress (very elegant!) and discover neck hair.

Oh
My
Gawd

I'm sitting there in the chair conversing with the ex-in-laws, and i rub my neck (which has an aggravating dry patch that mysteriously showed up a week or so ago - no idea from where. no new soaps or lotions) and discover a hair just under my jawline. thinking it is a stray that maybe stuck because i dribbled super latte or something, i try to remove it to find I CAN'T. not wanting to be offensive (i wasn't raised right but i wasn't raised rude) i just let it go until pickle and i got out to the jeep. we get a ways down the road and i turn the inside light on to see if she could see it (she could) and if it looked like it was stuck. i tugged on it, and apparently it was pretty comical because she just burst into gales of laughter (i'm giggling as i think about it) and i could barely contain myself.

who the fuck gets neck hairs? correction: ONE neck hair? nearly two inches long? ATTACHED???? for the love of all that's holy, i wash my face every day! i put face cream and foundation on EVERY DAY. would you not think i would notice a stray hair growing out of my neck?!!! and to top it off, it was a straggly, coarse, fucking GRAY hair!

as i see it, there are several potential problems here:

1) if i'm suddenly sprouting strange hairs - why?

2) if i didn't see it over the course of time it took to grow this long, what the hell is wrong with me?

3) if it grew nearly 2 inches since at least lunch time - which is the last time i remember rubbing my neck because it was "wing wednesday" and of course i had chicken grease flying everywhere - what in god's name is wrong with my system that i'm super-producing single hair strands?

4) how many people saw this and didn't say anything (as i'm thinking no wonder they're looking at me like i have 3 heads. no, dumbass, it's because you have one hair. GROWING OUT OF YOUR NECK!) this is worse than that one hair that grows out of your nipple, or on your belly. i can't remember the last time i shaved my legs and my leg hair is NOWHERE near as long as that was.

not only am i going to be the little old lady with 47 cats, i will be the little old lady with 47 cats AND strange facial hair. you've seen them. you know what i'm talkin' about. the dour old women with friggin' cat whiskers growing from their faces. *cries* life is so cruel.

so i drop off pickle and head home, playing with the hair the entire time. sick, twisted, and strangely comical. home to the bathroom with great lighting to discover the horror for myself. washed my face to try to convince myself it was just a stray stuck in chicken grease (it wasn't.) plucked it and hope no one mentions it tomorrow. it may take me awhile to live this one down. hell, it may take therapy!

anyhow... stellar girls' night out. these are the mom moments i love most.

*hugs*

Happy VD...

2008-02-14T19:15:00.002-05:00

hmm, maybe that didn't come out quite right. too many abbreviations for work and im'ing, i suppose...

anyhow... tonight i sit here with my leftovers from olive garden (OMG - the chocolate mousse cheesecake thing is a little bit of heaven!) from last night's visit with M (mentor from my previous job.) we were catching up on all the gossip, all the stupidity, and really, she's much more fun than a date!

so i spent most of the day at the office terrorizing the fellows, asking them what they got their wives/girlfriends. i was surprised at the number of them who didn't get anything. of course, two of them had just given their girls engagement rings for christmas. *giggle* they're still young - they don't realize that they still have to do the valentine's thing... ahh to be twenty-something again.

then i spent an hour out at thirsty thirsty with my other favorite folks - the yard guys. drank a beer, and listened to them all say they had to get home... after this beer. :) uh huh.

actually, for the first time in years, it was a good day for me. one of the drivers made a point to call me and wish me hvd. i guilted some of the other guys for not at least getting me and the other single lady in the office a candy bar or something. i got messages from several of my soldiers wishing me hvd as well as a couple of my online dating guys. i was wished it more this year than i have been the previous five combined. go figure! oh, and i got a card from my ma. *weep* she's the best! and of course, my favorite fella 5th wheel is here with me. (yes, the cat) *cries* i'm only *ahem* 29 and already i'm spending valentine's day with my cat.

so i'm going to go finish the last of my awesome dessert, watch scooby-doo, and put another one in the books for the year.

hope you all had a wonderful day and evening!

Get your shit together, girl...

2008-02-10T20:52:00.000-05:00

zac: well, been awhile, girlfriend. what's been up with you?

me: meh, same shit, different day. you know how it goes.

zac: no, tell me "how it goes."

me: nothin's really changing for me.

zac: nothing?

me: ok, not nothing.

zac: *expectant look* mmm hmmm....

me: *sigh* well, the job is going better now.

zac: better, how?

me: i'm busy. i'm actually thinking; using my brain. i finally persuaded my dinosaur boss to computerize the company, somewhat.

zac: somewhat?

me: he still does his work by pencil and paper. literally. he writes the loads in a book, then transfers them to a notebook beside each driver's name. the sister company would pay us for what they thought we should be paid, and there was no paper trail for accounting. it was amazing, and not in a good way.

zac: i see. so what do you do?

me: i record them all in a computerized system. we track billing now, and maintain reports of trailer tracking, driver tracking, and receivables. it keeps me busy.

zac: cool. what else?

me: i computerized the driver logs. they were doing the summaries by hand every week. at the end of the month, they would calculate them by hand and record them. i developed a spreadsheet that would track them for the year, automatically carry over the last 7 days of the month and figure restarts for a 34 hour break.

zac: kickass.

me: yea, i guess.

zac: do they not see the merit of these changes?

me: yes and no. i am told usually at least once a day how the tracking software helps them answer questions when i'm not there, answer payroll questions, and we've caught a couple loads that we would not have loaded had we not seen them in there.

zac: great!

me: yea, i finally feel useful again.

zac: so?

me: i'm still dealing with the personal shit at home.

zac: what's going on?

me: that's just it, nothing. i still work 10 hours a day, all weekend, and lay like a lump when i have a free moment.

zac: *unaffected stare* really?

me: ok, so i've gone out on a couple dates over the last couple weeks. same thing. i'm not a barbie doll, and no matter how good a time it is and how well we click in conversation, there is rarely a follow-up date. only the ones in which i'm not really interested.

zac: their loss.

me: yea. easier said than felt. anyhow, i still feel like i'm wasting my life. like it's not worth getting up and doing anything if i'm not working. i don't care if my house isn't spotless, and it usually takes an act of God to get me motivated. for cryin' out loud, my bedroom is still in boxes and i've been here almost 4 months!

zac: who's fault is that?

me: *evil stare* mine.

zac: *laugh* ok, so change it.

me: why bother? i don't sleep in the bedroom; i sleep on the couch. i haven't slept in my bed in years.

zac: doesn't mean you can't have a bedroom. you need your own personal space.

me: i have an entire house of "personal space." the kids are gone, and i don't bring people to the house. *cries* i am now officially a hermit like my dad.

zac: no you're not. you went out today. remember? post office, grocery store, gas station... big step on a sunday when you would usually just veg out and watch cold case all day.

me: true. but i want to do more than normal errands. i want to go places, see people.

zac: so go.

me: it's not that easy. remember what that therapist told me? i'm the most extroverted introvert they've seen. i am fine in situations with which i'm comfortable (work, home) but get me into a personal situation, or anything more than casual chit-chat, and i shut down. i am just great at letting people think i'm ok with them.

zac: well, maybe it's time to consider letting me go and moving on to another.

me: no! you're all i have left right now.

zac: that's not true. you have your parents, your kids, your cat.

me: *cries* i will be one of those 64 year old women with 17 cats.

zac: *chuckle* only if you let it happen. seriously, what's holding you back from moving on with someone else?

me: i've been thinking about this. and it's still captain crazy.

zac: *rolls eyes* what?! him again? woman, it's been almost 5 years. why are you still letting the past shape the future?

me: look, i've finally started dating again. i've moved on that much.

zac: *snort* not much.

me: hey, it's not my fault that i just don't feel "it" with anyone. i try to be open, let people in, look beyond the basics to have relationships.

zac: your problem is you don't want to let anyone in. you don't want to feel anything because it might make you hurt. did you ever think it might make you happy?

me: happy? i was happy once. i was open, connected, and shared the parts of me that no one else saw, including you, and in an instant, it was gone. every fiber of my heart was torn out, and handed back to me in a bleeding, pulpy lump that was barely beating. i've finally patched it back together. it's not pretty, but i have all the pieces. no one's going to get that chance again. it will not survive another tear.

zac: have you not had enough sadness in your life? you've come through so much more than the loss of love.

me: not just the loss of love; the loss of THE love. it was the perfect love.

zac: *straight stare* if it was perfect, why is it no longer?

me: you suck.

zac: well?

me: *sigh* there were other considerations. factors beyond our control. it was not the time.

zac: k, and so you've felt love before. you've lost love before. you've survived.

me: i'm tired of just surviving. i want to live again. i want to love again. i want to feel the freedom that i did in that love. when i could be me, and he didn't think i was crazy. when i could be a bitch and know that he was not going to walk away because he didn't agree with me. i could feel sad, angry, happy, scared, excited, and content. now, i feel nothing.

zac: so live. the only one stopping you is you. knock off the "poor me" shit, quit blaming it on the fact that men only want barbies and that no one will equal him. shut up, step up, and get your ass in gear. haven't you noticed that your world still went on, even without him in it? he doesn't shape your life. you do. he may shape some of the reasons you live your life the way you do, but that is not fair to you, nor is it fair to his memory. so have a glass of wine, cry about it one final time, and put it the hell away already.

me: you still suck.

Lent it begin...

2008-02-07T20:14:00.000-05:00

Ahh yes, that time of year when we put aside something for the greater good. We cleanse ourselves to reach higher planes, and stand humbly without.

Those days when you attend morning mass on Ash Wednesday, and have someone at work say "Hey, you have a smudge of dirt on your forehead."

Really, fucknut? You have a smudge of brain in your ass.

And what shall it be this year? I've narrowed it down to giving up chocolate or giving up dating for Lent.

I'm thinking dating is gonna win. I can stand not dating... chocolate? Never! I mean, it falls right before V-Day (which to any single woman is not a day of love and flowers - it's ALL about the chocolate!), and up through Good Friday. (Heelll-looo - Easter candy. It's not like we don't eat the malted robin's eggs, mini snickers in the pastel wraps and Reese's peanut butter eggs from February 15 on.) Jeez.

Seriously, I don't know what I shall forego this year. I don't drink much (she types as she's digesting the beer from Thirsty Thursday at work *hic*). I don't gamble (except on the road every day with idiots - some things one cannot control.) If you give up sex, then have it with BOB**, does it count? I could give up dealing with stupid people, but it would be pretty lonely. And really, what would I do for that warm, fuzzy feeling of superiority?

I could give up eating foods that are bad for me, but what would I eat? I eat THE four food groups: bread, cheese, chocolate and potatoes. Are there any others?

I already gave up smoking. OOOH, oooohh, I could give up giving up smoking! Yea, that's the ticket! Probably not a very bright idea, though. And we must consider the superiority angle of kicking the habit. And it was a shitty one to kick.

Hmmm. How about giving up not partying, trashing about, and being of high morals? That would get old quickly. The morning after lasts about 3 days at my age. Getting hammered frequently would probably put me down through most of Lent. Up side, would not have to be conscious for most of it. *pondering*

Well, hell Bill, I'm still at a loss... Ideas, anyone?

*hugs*
miss b

**battery operated boyfriend

**dildo you dumbass

Add another to the "what the fuck did I see in him?" column...

2008-02-04T00:26:00.000-05:00

Pickle called at 11:15 tonight; her voice told me she was frightened.

"What's up?"
"Can I come over?"
"Yes, you can always come over. Are you alright?"
"I had to drop A off (the boyfriend) and it started snowing and I can't see anything and I'm really scared."

She was a mile away at the exit for my town, waiting to see if I'd let her come over or if she had to drive the rest of the 25 miles back to her dad's. She asked me to call her dad to let him know what was up and she'd call him when she'd get here. (They were taught not to talk on the phone without a headset, and not at all in bad weather.)

I call him. He proceeds to ask me if she was even here over the weekend. What a fucknut. He's possessed with this idea that she's at A's house when she should be here, fucking her little brains out. Well, Einstein, YOU'RE the one who forced her to get on birth control when she didn't want to because she was 16. Just because she's protected doesn't mean she's going to do it, and vice versa. Anyhow, I said yes she was here after work on Saturday until Sunday afternoon when she went to the Super-Bowl party AT HER GRANDMOTHER'S. (His mother's.)

For God's sake... she's a 4.0 National Honor Society working teenager with a fascination for all music and involved in several clubs. She's a pleasant child whom everyone likes, and you are constantly riding her ass over drug-induced imagined transgressions.

Anyhow... point being, she lives in a box. She was taught to drive, but not allowed to drive in snow. Ok. The first year, yes. But this is year two, and she is scared to death, and tired from fighting the snow for the last hour. She does the right thing. She gets off the road to a safe place, thus saving her life and possibly others'. So you yell at her and tell her now's the time to learn? Are you fucking stupid? It's 11:30 at night, snow/freezing rain, she drives a geo metro (no weight, no traction) and you want her to drive down 2 lane roads that have yet to be salted or plowed because you don't want her here on a night that's not "mine."

She gets to my house and calls to let him know she's here, and what's happening. He's yelling at her that she's spending the night here with A, and other inane ramblings. I'm beyond pissed.

By the time she gets off the phone, she's a wreck, with tears and sniffles. Her grandmother calls to make sure she's alright, and they come to get her and her car. (Grandpa drives the geo, and she's in the truck with grandma.) I had offered to take her home, but she would have been stranded without a car until Monday night after I got off work.

The grandparents get here, and tell her it was pretty bad out coming in to town. It was more sleet than snow at this point. Thank God at least she has someone to tell her father that the weather over here was bad. He's convinced that I'm conniving with her against him. Grow up, shithead. She's making good, sound decisions and you're making her second-guess herself all the time. She's strong as I was; she'll overcome you. Right now, she's exhausted and just doesn't understand why when she did the right thing, she gets in trouble.

Because your father is a dick. I'm sorry I didn't tell you this before, Pickle. I apologize that you must suffer at the hands of a complete moron because he is a total control freak and he despises that you are me. 20 years younger. It's not you. You are a beautiful girl, with a beautiful mind, and a warm smile to match your huge heart. You will be free one day and I will miss you when you go, but I know you'll come visit me.

She asked me why he couldn't be more like grandpa. *sigh* He was at one time, and things got in the way after he got out of school. Grandpa doesn't smoke dope and drink excessively. Your father's paranoid, and lazy, and will never be more than he is today. I tried to get you, so much so that after years, the judge told me to knock it off because he couldn't see moving you from the home when you were so well-adjusted and doing well in school. Well, sure. When you live in a box and school is your only escape, yea. That doesn't teach you to be a socially adept person. Luckily, outside influences have helped.

Argh. Add another one to my "I wouldn't wish him dead, but if he fell off the face of the earth I would not be sad" list...

brrrrrrr

2008-01-30T23:04:00.000-05:00

11 degrees, 50 mph wind gusts, and 4-6 inches of snow on the way...

yay.

yesterday it was 50 degrees and slightly breezy.

i am so ready for spring...

so much going on, and no time. finally the classes are finished for the term. i can tell you that a horse is drinking water out of a yellow hat while a cat dances on the television in Spanish, but that's pretty much where it ends. Now, here's a thought... if you were going to learn just a small bit of Spanish, would you not want to be able to say "I have to pee, where do I go?" Or perhaps, "No you perverted fuck-stick, I do NOT want to kiss you." I mean, really, there are some things that are more important than knowing what color a car is, or how to say the man is falling off a horse.

anyhow...

missing my fave reads, and my fave blogs... i'm doing ok. couple bad days - we all have 'em - but overall i'm hangin' in there...

gone out with a couple of frogs over the last couple weeks... don't foresee prince charming in my near future, but hey, coupla good meals, and got outta the house. *sigh*

work is work, but getting better. still terrorizing the little 20-something hotties (because I can) and amusing myself by pissing off the foreign IT guy. Who, btw, told me today that my hair has gray in it and I look old. *cries* He is very inept at proper social ettiquette between men and women. So I shall antagonize him more because I can. And he's a dick. heh.

off to bed... chuckling from ms. steph's night out with her friend... go see her at muchadoaboutsumthin.blogspot.com... she's a hoot. a hottie hoot. ;)

everyone be well, be safe....

*hugs*

Because you are my friend...

2008-01-14T17:52:00.000-05:00

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces -- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I MUST be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only YOU can feel the true warmth.

dedicated to all my friends - real, cyber, and plastic... may you all feel the warmth of peeing your pants.... ;)

*hugs*
miss b

After Christmas...

2007-12-29T19:22:00.000-05:00

'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

-- mountainwings.com

Amusingly Aggravating

2007-12-26T18:52:00.000-05:00

Not just having a cold... having a severe head cold.

Not just having a severe head cold... having a severe head cold during the holiday.

Not just having a severe head cold during a holiday... but having a severe head cold during the holiday and starting your PERIOD.

Not just having a severe head cold during the holiday and starting your period... having a severe head cold during the holiday, starting your period, and in the middle of it all, running out of feminine hygiene products and all the stores are closed.

heh. glad to see my luck is getting better... coulda been the flu.

happy happy ya'll!

Reflections on a Midnight Clear...

2007-12-23T18:58:00.000-05:00

As I sit staring at the lights on my tree (yes, i've SEEN a taffy machine), my mind reflects over the past year, the obstacles, and the triumphs. I marvel at how different I feel than last year, and the steps I have taken.

I have been homeless (ok, not exactly COMPLETELY homeless), moved twice, lived through storage, lived through sexist pigs at work, and countless stupid escapades by my oldest daughter.

I have fallen behind in my studies, struggled to make sense of working at a job I really don't like, and have overcome some of my social anxieties. This is the first year I have not felt like slitting my wrists or stepping in front of a train. (Which, btw, would be relatively easy since there is a switching track 100 yards from my drive.)

There's been so much moving so fast, I lose track of time, hours, days. I am no longer a complete hermit, although I can see it coming soon if I don't watch myself. Ok, not really. I have been home less in 2 months here than I was in 4 years at the last place. Ok, time-wise, I know that makes no sense. Reality, though, has me out and about and I r now teh soshal qween.

I have been doing Colorama on Friday nights.... for those more socially elite than I, this is bowling for dollars. I went the first night with one of the bosses from work, who is related to the owners of the bowling alley. I knew no one. I now have my own little "team of misfits" with whom I meet every week for some competitive fun.

Every Thursday after work, a bunch of the yard guys, rail guys, and anyone else who wants to hang out, stays after work in a gathering we fondly refer to as "Thirsty Thursday." One of them will do a beer run, everyone pitches in a few bucks, and we all hang out, shoot the shit, and have a cold one or two. (Or more, depending on how unhappily married some of them may be.) Anyhow, I have now been christened "One of the guys" and have been shown how to spit, although I did draw the line at farting and scratching myself. Some days a few of them will bring in their atv's, or pull a vehicle into the shop and work on it. Ahh, shades of high school coming back to me. I behave. I have one, maybe two at the most, and then head home. I've been told by the rail guy no flirting allowed since I'm one of them. *giggle*

I have been fighting illness for the last few days... basically, I feel like a bucket of fuck. Hey, let's not just get a severe head cold; let's start our PERIOD as well. Stellar. I've been hibernating on the couch until this afternoon. My youngest daughter calls me, and tells me she's coming over with her oldest sister to celebrate our Christmas. Her grandmother is having the get-together on Christmas Day this year. It's my holiday, but of course the kids will be there. So I have been cordially invited to my exes' parents' for holiday celebrations. Fabulous.

Anyhow, I get up and clear the fog from my head. The wind is howling outside; it's really been vicious all day. I clean up the kitchen and get some stuff put away. (seriously, I have been a lump for 2 days.) My youngest girl gets there first. We chit-chat (she was formally inducted into the National Honor Society this past Thursday morning. *pride*) and catch up on lots of stuff. Meanwhile, we're making cookies and cheese-balls. Then the oldest girl comes in, and we catch up on her latest drama while we frost the cupcakes. *smile* It's fun. I ask why today - they tell me... "We ALWAYS have our own celebration."

The girls stepped out to do "teenage girl things." My son called to let me know that he's doing ok, and that they've moved out of his dad's girlfriend's house. I don't know the entire story, but it involved some yelling and ugly stuff, so they decided it was best to go. He's happy, and they're ok, so I guess I'll just let it be.

So now the house is once again quiet, and I'm sitting here with my stuffy nose keeping me company, waiting on the kids to return. It has been a beautiful day. I am safe, warm, surrounded by those dearest to me, and at peace with myself for a moment.

To all of you and yours, have the merriest of Christmases and the happiest of New Year's... if you do not celebrate those, have the best whatever-it-is you have. Be safe, be happy, and live love. And above all, never forget those serving who protect all those things we hold so dear.

special greetings to certis, wien, steph, the dead captain smack, george, and rsm...

*hugs*

miss b
~~~*~*~~~~~~~~~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~*~~~

remember this at Christmas time...

2007-12-12T20:06:00.000-05:00

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game:

"While both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring."

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known...

ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

courtesy of my mom...

heh.

miss b

ATTENTION!!! ALIENS ARE COMING...

2007-12-05T19:18:00.000-05:00

To abduct all the good-looking, sexy and intelligent people...

You will be safe; I'm just posting to say good-bye.

:P~~~

But I DO still believe...

2007-11-28T18:27:00.000-05:00

What The Holidays Mean to You

Thanks to one of my fave reads...

For you, the holidays are about emotional connections and bonds. You are happiest being around those you love.

You celebrate the holidays in a minimalist style. You are likely to only give one great present and decorate your house with a few special items.

During the holidays, you feel magical. You love all of the decorations and how happy people are. You like to sit back and take it all in.

You think the holidays should be comforting and relaxing. You don't like the holiday rush... you just like the simple pleasure of the holidays.

Your best holiday memories are of childhood foods and traditions. You secretly still wish you believed in Santa Claus.

What Do the Holidays Mean to You?

Pukin' Turkeys, Stupid Shoppers and Kickin' Bass Players

2007-11-27T17:54:00.000-05:00

These are what comprised my holiday weekend. It was a non-typical non-stop weekend.

Wednesday I get off work, travel 30 miles south, sign papers to lower payments on the jeep (yay!), grab cupcakes for my awesome niece and nephews, get my hair cut, get back home in time for my son and his father to show up from KY. Shortly after, my two daughters and THEIR respective others show, and it's a housefull!!!!

On the upside -- my bed is now assembled, my washer and dryer are hooked up, the vcr/dvd is now usable, and I had a "date" for my office Christmas party on Saturday.

Thursday morning, run around, get stuff together, drive 3 hours to my brothers', and have the best. time. ever.

My brother HATES gravy. With a passion. Makes him gag just to look at it. I swear he was adopted. My sister in law - the coolest ever - has a gravy boat in the shape of a turkey. It's kickin'. My brother hates it. When you pour out the gravy, it comes through a hole in the beak. To him, it appears the turkey is puking all over your food. It's AWESOME!!! (He's such a whiny butt!)

And then... and THEN...
Oh
My
Gawd

They have a WII. For those of you stuck in the past, these are the new Nintendo virtual reality games and they. Kick. ASS.

We played the basic games that come with the system (bowling, tennis, golf, baseball, and boxing) and the kids (his - 7 and 4) are great at this! I tested out at 71 years of age. Look, I don't play baseball or golf. But I did kick ass at boxing and bowling.

I have to have one.

NOW.

At least before my New Year's Eve party... dude, seriously, drunk boxing? It sounds almost as good as drunken Twister!!!

Downside - my Emmy Bug (my only niece) is not my bug anymore. I was bowling, I stepped backwards as she walked behind me, stepped on her foot and knocked her skinny little, two-year-old butt right down to the ground. I couldn't hold her, she wouldn't talk to me and she was NOT MY BUG. *wahhhhh*

Anyhow... amid all the fun, my SIL talks me (the ever-hating anti-shopper) into going to a couple midnight and 5 am sales.

*mental note* next year if she brings this up, punch her in the nose.

400 people lined up at value city. an hour to get through the checkout. a fight (no really) in the parking lot. Upside - got an mp3 player for my son for $13.82. Then off to Wal-Mart. Stupidity abounds. It was fairly quiet until about 4:15, then they came out like great waves of roaches. Shoppers... in pajamas... barely awake... like zombies with sale ads attached to their hands. It was nuts! Upside - got a microwave for $25.

Never again.

Long ride home, just in time to get back for... da da daaaa... colorama bowling! Yay! 3 hours of "just let me sleep between frames".

Home to bed, up early the next day for kids, friends, pictures, YAY. First time in 15 years I've had all three kids together for pics. Get them Sunday... the previews look really good! Then, home to get ready for the company holiday Christmas party.

Doin' laundry (yay - no more laundromat), trying to squeeze my chubby little butt into my awesome party dress, hair is perfect. Date is late. Of course. Rushing in at the last minute... but overall it was cool. Little dancing. Some card playing. Won a door prize (awesome Michigan mug!) and then the best part - Bonuses!!!

Out the door from there, off to change clothes and hit the local club to listen to the awesome sounds of my friend Soul Pumpkin (Or Pumpky Wumpky as I call him) rippin' across the bass like you wouldn't believe... Took the oldest girl, her bf, his friend and gf and they loved them! They played all the old cool songs (circa 70's/80's) and they were fab! Smoot Mahooty. Seriously. Check them out.

Home to sleep... finally!!! But am I done? Hell no, not yet. Must clean up the mess from the kids - son is now back at home *sniff*. Shower up, meet Pumpky for lunch at Kewpee's - best burgers ever - and back to work at the restaurant. Good night though; made my quota for the weekend... which is good since I'm now laid off on Saturdays and only work Sundays there. *sigh* 2 months til busy season again...

Anyhow... it's been crazy, it's been busy, it's been wonderful. I had such a great weekend with the kids... now I'm off to fix the float in the toilet(don't ask), put plastic up on the windows, and bake my supper.

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday/weekend as well... One day I'll catch up on all my homework (had to get an extension) and I'll be back...

*hugs*
miss b

2007-11-16T18:08:00.000-05:00

Guess whose youngest daughter was "cordially invited" today to be a member of the National Honor Society???

Uh-huh, that's right. *snap*

*grin*

I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO proud of her. Great job, Pickle!

Did I mention she's a Junior maintaining a career (from K on up) 4.0, a 103% in Anatomy and a 99 in Trigonometry? AND works, AND is a member of Band (plays 3 different instruments) AND Show Choir (and sings like an angel)? No? Well, let me tell ya...

*proud mom moment*

~*~ AND ~*~

I get a really cool "Proud Parent of a National Honor Student" sticker for the Jeep.
Oh yea. Life is good.

*glow*

Top 21 -- Most Depressing Jobs

2007-11-15T19:22:00.000-05:00

Percentages of full-time workers age 18 to 64 reporting depression lasting two weeks or longer, by categories of occupation, as provided by the National Survey on Drug Use and Health using 2004 through 2006 data:

Interesting... I've done #'s 2, 6, 7, 10, 11 and 12. Straitjacket, anyone?

1. Personal Care and Service: 10.8
2. Food Preparation and Serving Related: 10.3
3. Community and Social Services: 9.6
4. Health Care Practitioners and Technical: 9.6
5. Arts, Design, Entertainment, Sports and Media: 9.1
6. Education, Training and Library: 8.7
7. Office and Administrative Support: 8.1
8. Building and Grounds Cleaning and Maintenance: 7.3
9. Financial: 6.7
10. Sales and Related: 6.7
11. Legal: 6.4
12. Transportation and Material Moving: 6.4
13. Mathematical and Computer Scientists: 6.2
14. Production: 5.9
15. Management: 5.8
16. Farming, Fishing and Forestry: 5.6
17. Protective Service: 5.5
18. Construction and Extraction: 4.8
19. Installation, Maintenance and Repair: 4.4
20. Life, Physical and Social Science: 4.4
21. Engineering, Architecture and Surveyors: 4.3

Source: The Associated Press, using data from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration

el quesadilla está libre!!!

2007-11-13T00:20:00.000-05:00

It's not pretty, but it's done...

Finally, after nearly 3 long weeks of multiple cleanings, much profanity, and extreme humiliation and fun-poking from my co-workers, the quesadilla has been freed.

One of the "little yard guys", who happened to change the oil in my jeep for me this evening (because he's wonderful) came in to "look at" the oven. Turns out that besides the fact that he's in THE #1 automotive mechanic college in the States - who better to make sure the jeep is running well? - his family owns many apartment complexes and he has had the distinct pleasure of dismantling and repairing MANY in-the-wall ovens. He's the bestest!!! (And such a little cutie! My gawd, if I were 100 years younger, I'd be all over that!) And polite, well-mannered, and I'm sure he's been sent to me to torture me over the fact that when I was his age, I was surrounded by LOSERS.

But, I digress...

Anyhow, just to prove that it's not a lie and that I'm not just saying it's open to stop the constant badgering and "did you get your quesadilla out of your oven yet?" question from every single person at work in the mornings, here it is...

fabulous, eh? at least it was on an old metal cookie sheet, and not one of my favorite baking stones. *says quick thanks*

mexican, anyone?

honest, folks, I really CAN cook...

A Veteran's Day letter to my Heroes...

2007-11-11T10:41:00.000-05:00

I sit in the comfort of my home, watching the leaves fall outside with the rain. I am plotting my next batch of homemade bread and crockpot chili. I get caught up in the noise of the game on the tv. I watch my candles flicker and throw off comforting lights and scents. I am yet surrounded by boxes and an oven that still holds my quesadilla hostage, but I am safe and warm. I am at peace for a moment in the chaos that has been my life the last six weeks.

In this moment, as many others throughout my days and weeks, you are in my thoughts and prayers. The comforts of MRE's; the safety of makeshift housing, the scent of close quarters with many others fill my thoughts. I can only imagine from the stories passed on to me. The long flights in moving home; the chats with co-workers getting ready for deployment to relieve those who have stood fast for a year or more. To those stateside who are standing fast; for those who are home; for those who are still overseas; for those who are transitioning, I send my heartfelt thanks for your services. Words cannot convey my true appreciation for all of you and all you do.

Be safe; be well. You are loved.

*hugs*

miss b

Dilemma Dilemma

2007-10-30T09:13:00.000-05:00

What do you do when someone does something really nice for you? You freak out, worry, obsess, and wonder why they would do it. Let me 'splain...

Yesterday I cornered my boss about what I owed for the campground fees. He had mentioned he had pulled the camper out, winterized, and got it home and closed up for the season.

He told me he didn't know.

*blink* "What do you mean, you don't know? You're the one who talked to them about the initial cost and setup."

"It's already paid."

"By who?"

"Don't know."

*sigh* Ok, I'm not one to call people a liar...

"You suck at lying. Your chin is quivering."

"I'm eating an apple."

"Seriously, how much is it?"

"K and I paid it; it's a done deal."

"What?!! Why?"

"Because, we've been fortunate; who would we be if we didn't reach out and help our neighbors? It would be different if you weren't working and trying to make things happen."

"Are you sure?"

*scowl* "It's taken care of. We just didn't want to say anything at the beginning."

"Because you knew I'd say no."

"Yep, and now it's done and you can't."

Bastard.

"Fine. Since you're a guy and I mostly act like a guy, I'll say thanks. However, I suppose I'll have to get all mushy and emotional with K. Thank you."

*laugh* "You're welcome. "

~~~~****~~~~~

*sniff*

Now what the hell do I do? Obviously, a nice thank-you gift is in order. Any suggestions? I'm struggling to figure out what to get them that would be appropriate for allowing me to use the camper for a month, and paying my rental fees. They saved me about $375.

Ideas, anyone? Captain Smack, I'm SURE you'll come up with something stellar! However, I'll probably lean towards Wein and Steph and their good sense. Well, Wein anyway! *giggle* luv ya Steph!

Help!

Here's one for the fellas...

2007-10-29T13:22:00.000-05:00

and the women who love them *wink*

Support our wounded vets... get your pin-up girls Calendar for 2008...

Do it. Now.

That's an order!

i r teh Kampur Kween no more...

2007-10-25T16:40:00.000-05:00

That's right; it's true. I am no longer semi- quasi-homeless.

I sit here tonight surrounded by boxes that contain every piece and bit of my life in some form or fashion. I am excited, yet not, about being able to "arrange" stuff and set up the new place.

Where in the hell did I acquire so much shit? Ok, so most of it is dishes/kitchen stuff (I am a kitchen queen) and pictures, and decorations. But still.

Anyhow... it's kinda cool. it's a 2 bedroom with a garage, washer/dryer hookup, in a decent section of town on FLOOR level! Yay!!!!!!

*sigh*

However, not all is to be celebrated. There WERE a couple casualties.

A drawer from my telephone table that fell onto the ground and was run over by the fella who was helping me in the truck behind, and

every

single

piece

of stone bakeware that I had. *cries* Thank God my sister-in-law sells it; at least I can get it replaced. I can't be too sad; I was unloading my second pickup truck load when my boss called, said he had 2 fellas from the yard and they were coming up to help me get the big pieces of furniture. God love 'em. Then he even bought us all lunch, and later as I was driving home I noticed that my Jeep fuel tank was full. (We had swapped vehicles so I could use the bigger pickup truck to move stuff.) *sniff* I do work for an awesome place, even if they are jerks sometimes.

Anyhow, moving sucks. Just ask my cat. He, too, was traumatized by not just one, but TWO, moves in the last 3 weeks. Fifth Wheel didn't travel well the first time, and the second time he was damn near impossible. I had to chase him through the camper, climb sideways behind the bed and sit there for 20 minutes coaxing him to get close enough I could grab his stupid ass and carry him out to the jeep. Yes, I got clawed. Yes, he howled all the way there. Yes, he hid in the garage for 2 days before he came out to eat. Poor little fella. Now I don't know what to do with him because I'm not supposed to have animals, but he's never been outside and I can't just throw him out, but I don't want to have him put to sleep.

And THEN...

as if being surrounded by half empty boxes, and tracing paths through rooms weren't enough (although I DO have the bathroom done), there is now a hostage in my house.

Question: Who the hell puts a self-cleaner and a lock on a frickin' oven? Don't people clean their own damn ovens anymore???

Let me 'splain: I was hungry. I have frozen quesadillas for a pinch when I'm hungry but pressed for time. I preheated. I put food in oven and pulled the lock bar over... BECAUSE I'VE NEVER USED A SELF-CLEANING OVEN BEFORE, THAT'S WHY!!! My oven is now holding my quesadilla hostage. I can't get it to unlock. Needless to say, I went hungry last night, and today I'm cranky. One cannot have a proper Thanksgiving dinner without baking a turkey. I can only guess what the quesadilla will look like shortly. *bawl* So now, instead of unpacking, I have to fuck around with trying to get this STUPID lock undone so I can use my oven.

I need a husband for this kind of stuff. Benji the ScaleMaster is keeping his eyes open for me. He's my bud (air five.)

CBNHITFEG tells me I'm blonde. Really? Had never noticed *giggles, chews hair, and swings shoulders side-to-side*. Goofball; he's been laughing at me all day. Here's a clue - HELP ME GET MY OVEN UNDONE!!!

I'm ok. I'm safe. I'm thrilled. I'm way behind on my homework. I'm having headaches again, and my head is spinning with all the stuff I have to do. I'm overwhelmed with the encouragement and well-wishes from everyone. It could be worse... ;)

*breathe*

And how was YOUR week?

Amusingly Aggravating

2007-10-24T01:35:00.001-05:00

I'm at work at the restaurant and finally get a free moment to take a restroom break. Anyone who's worked in this area knows you take the chance when you get it.

So I'm in the stall, doing my thing, when I hear the outside door open. I hear one of the bussers say my name.

"Yea?"
"You have a table."
*blink*
You have GOT to be kidding me.
"I'll be out in a minute."

Ok... at the most, I had another 45 seconds while I zipped up, and washed my hands. You had to follow me into the bathroom to tell me I had a table?

Medal of Honor - Navy SEAL LT Michael Murphy

2007-10-23T07:24:00.000-05:00

Read about him here...

*salute*
*cries*

There are no words...

miss b

It could be worse...

2007-10-18T12:01:00.000-05:00

That's the start of the new mantra at work...

Background:

One of the "ladies" in the scale room was having a hissy fit over something that had gone wrong at home - something broke, I forget - anyhow, she's going on and on and ON about how awful it is and how she hates her life (her husband passed away about 10 years ago, her house is paid for, and she doesn't have to worry about moving)... yada yada yada, blah blah blah.

heh.

I look at her; I can't help it, the eyebrow goes up...

"It could be worse."

*exasperated sigh*

"How?" she asks.

"You could be living in a camper."

*zing*
*stunned silence*
*embarrassed giggle*

"Yea, you're right... "

So after the weekend, she just HAS to tell me how that's her new saying whenever anything goes wrong or someone complains to her... she just tells them, it could be worse...

Today, the Yard Manager (also one of the owners; just built a very LARGE new house) was throwing fits and cranky because everything kept breaking down, falling apart, going to hell on the production line.

I just look at him.

"Eh, it could be worse."

"What? Whatever."

"You could be living in a camper."

He had the good grace to blush. Then he smiled and was much happier for the day.

One of the office women - nice lady, very proper, extremely high-maintenance, married to the Yard Manager - was talking to me and one of the other owners the other day about a house just down the road for sale. She said the owners had really fixed it up cute inside, but it was "so tiny."

*giggle* I couldn't help myself.

"Let's review."

*gazing expectantly at me*

"I live in a camper."

"Ahh... so this really wouldn't be that tiny to you."

Ya think? *shaking head*

Just doing my part to add a little levity to the workplace...

*grin*

Amusingly Aggravating...

2007-10-17T09:52:00.000-05:00

As if living in a camper with super non-absorbent special camper eco-friendly toilet paper were not enough...

let's start our period while everything for the "temporary move" is packed away.

*sigh*

hope is on the horizon
miss b

Aries, the Uber Cool High Nerd am I...

2007-10-15T08:08:00.000-05:00

As always... RSM has fun stuff to make a gal feel great about herself... Thanks buddy! *grin*

Jeez... I see MANY dates forthcoming... fabulous.

And from a an email pal (who shall remain anonymous)...

VIRGO - The Perfectionist > Dominant in relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to. Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic.

SCORPIO - The Intense One > Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self-centered at times. Passionate and Emotional.

LIBRA - The Harmonizer > Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible.

ARIES - The Daredevil > Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse. (easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit. Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic.

AQUARIUS - The Sweetheart > Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality.

GEMINI - The Chatterbox > Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable but need to express themselves. Argumentative and outspoken. Like change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent. Beautiful physically and mentally.

LEO - The Boss > Very organized. Need order in their lives - like being in control. Like boundaries. Tend to take over everything. Bossy. Like to help others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. Doing the right thing is important to Leos. Attractive.

CANCER - The Protector > Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome. Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive And imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic.

PISCES - The Dreamer > Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative. May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful.

CAPRICORN - The Go-Getter > Patient and wise. Practical and rigid. Ambitious. Tends to be Good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimists. Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be unfriendly at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they want.

TAURUS - The Enduring One > Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings who are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined. Indulge themselves often. Very generous.

SAGITTARIUS - The Happy-Go-Lucky One > Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up (Peter Pan Syndrome). Indulges self. Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes. Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Doesn't like rules. Sometimes hypocritical. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Doesn't like being doubted. Beautiful inside and out.

~*~*~*~ BUT~*~*~*~

On the bright side from my buddy George - I have potential of being a movie star... Just wish I looked more like Marilyn... ahh well.

So, who are you?

Jim... Slim Jim

2007-10-11T19:55:00.000-05:00

Ok, I admit. I have my sneaky ways and fun little quirks. I love forensics, intel, and mechanical mastery; it's my forte'. Little did I know I was going to actually get to use my skills again this soon...

Background: I'm at work; the yard guys are getting ready to go home. (They leave about 1/2 hour before us office personnel.) I hear one fella radio out to another one to ask if he locked his truck, 'coz he didn't, but it is, and the keys are locked inside.

Heh.

Ok, I don't laugh AT him... he's a cool guy, always nice to me, hangs out and talks, and he's got my back when shit goes wrong at work. He just asks what he should do.

"Get me a slim jim and I'll get it open for ya."

"Really?"

*laughs* "Sure." Thinking he wouldn't find one and I would be on my way.

Wrong. WTF do I think, thinking?

Anyhow, a few minutes later, he walks back in with a Slim Jim. (Not the edible kind folks-it's the thin foot-long piece of metal with a couple notches in it to help you unlock things.)

"Here ya go," as he hands it to me.

Gaarrreeaaaatt... now I have to put up or shutup. Ok. Deep breath; I'm cool; start walkin'. Make out like it's no big deal and he's never done this before? "Nope."

Fabulous.

We get to his truck. Fairly decent Ford Expedition, little decked out and totally unmarred. Ugh.

I peek in the window to line up with the lock, start to slide the jimmy bar in the window and he's just looking in great fascination.

"Where'd you learn to do this?"

*jiggle*
*slide*
*pop*
*grin*

"I had a couple shady boyfriends in high school, and my mom was a cop."

"Damn girl, what else you know?"

*knowing look*

"You should see what I can do with a time card and a paperclip."

He laughed, and took off to take the slim jim back to the mechanics in the shop. Little does he know, I'm dead serious. When I worked third shift at another office, I used to have to get into the safety office to get stuff for the drivers, and a couple times I left my office keys at home and had to open the dispatch door somehow.

Anyhow... ego boost for me today... huzzah!

*does the hoopdie*
"Go Miss B, it's your birthday..."

*muah*
have a wonderful evening...

2007-10-08T08:24:00.000-05:00

Price for camper use for a month: $0
Price for electric/gas/water for a month: $0
Price for 7 channels on antenna for a month: $0

Look on people's faces when I tell them I live in a camper: priceless...

Some things money just can't buy... for everything else, there is homeless poverty used as a means to extract self-amusement.

*hugs*
miss b

Fun Stuff for a Quick Moment

2007-10-02T09:03:00.000-05:00

Alright, I'm gonna do the cheesy meme today because I'm pressed for time, totally exhausted, and I could copy and paste it... This is a class participation project; have fun! :) I'm ok folks...

*hugs*
Miss B
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Names You Go By:
1. Miss B 2. Momma

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Ralph Lauren Blue 2. Hair Clippy

Two Things You Would Want (or have) in a Relationship:(Love HAS to be a given) cuz there's not a #3!
1.Trust 2. Intelligent conversation

Two of Your Favorite Things to do:
1. Drive 2. Read

Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment:
1. A significant other 2. Enough

Two things you did yesterday:
1. Moved 2. Worked

Two things I did today:
1. Worked 2. Walked

Two people you talked to today:
1. Junior 2. My best friend

Two Things you're doing tomorrow:
1. Spanish test 2. Dinner with my best friend

Longest car trip: from Camp Lejeune - NC to Elizabethtown KY to Columbus OH

Two Favorite Holidays:
1. Christmas 2. Memorial DayTwo

Favorite Beverages:
1. Sweet Tea 2. Chocolate Milk

Two jobs I have had in my life:
1. Dispatch Manager 2. System Administrator

Two Movies I would watch over and over:
1. Analyze This 2. The Last Castle

Two Places I have lived:
1. In a car 2. In a camper

Two of my Favorite Foods:
1. Mexican anything 2. Chocolate

Two Places I'd rather be right now:
1. Travelling 2. Gatlinburg TN

Three people I think will respond: 1. Wien 2. Captain Smack 3. Tater

Ok folks... it's your turn... put it in comments, put it on your blog, do what you want. Sorry Captain; no time for 101 facts about me yet...

movin on up...

2007-09-26T17:55:00.000-05:00

fear not, fellow readers... i shall not be completely homeless.

I asked my boss today if I could leave a bit early for lunch so I could get a PO Box and check into some storage units. He asked if I had decided to move up more towards work. I said my lease was up at the end of the month and I couldn't stay there any longer. He looked at the calendar and looked at me.

"Have you found a place?"
*super enthusiastic* "Not yet."
"And you have to be out by Sunday?"
*big smile* "Yep."
"Got a place in mind yet?"
"Not yet."
"Mmm hmmm. Where will you shower?"
"We have a shower area out here in the flat that the drivers use."
"True. Whatarya gonna do, sleep in your jeep?"
*laugh* "That's the plan."
"You can't do that."
"It's not like I've never done it before."
He shook his head and told me to go.

So I went up, got the PO box, got hooked up with the storage place (a whopping 5X12 unit - two of them), and checked in with Junior, who, btw is getting the MUCH better end of the deal.

She will be living in a full basement, complete with bathroom, kitchen area, fireplace, dish tv, a pool table AND a jacuzzi. They have provided a large dresser and armoire for her in which to store her clothes. The kitchen is fully stocked with dishes, pots and pans, a table and chairs, and full-size fridge, stove and microwave. Yep, babygirl has it goin' on and will be closer to school and not have to worry about rent, heat, or food. Damn.

Where was I? Oh yea. Back to the office. I've been walking at lunch. Junior has let me borrow her MP3 player and it's been great to get out every day now that the weather is not as warm. So I walk, and head back in to go back to work.

My boss tells me that if I want, I can use their mid-size camper. It has a small fridge, stove, sink, and bathroom facilities. Says he'll even take it out to the local campgrounds and set it up for me. That way I'd have access to electric, water, and laundry facilities. He said he'd let me stay in it out at his place, but he has nowhere to drain the septic. He talked to his wife; she had no problem with this. I would be responsible for the rental fee at the campground.

Hmm.

Well, it could be worse. I have lived in my car. When I was 18 and 5 months pregnant with Junior, I stayed in it for two weeks. I'd wash up at work and shower at friends' houses every couple days or so. I just had my bag with my HBA and curling iron and hair dryer with me all the time, a box of clothes in the back and a few pairs of shoes. The liberty is bigger than that car was and I can fold the back seat down and actually have a fair amount of sleeping room.

But back to the camper. I talked to my mom tonight for a bit on the phone and told her about the offer. As always in her nomadic, hippie-ish, totally supportive and positive way, she told me this was an adventure.

Aside: The kids and I have moved so many times, it doesn't even phase them. I always used to make it a game, and fun. They always helped, so they weren't just thrown into a new place. Junior remembers this. So of course, I have used the same "adventure, fun" line on her for her transition to Pickle's grandparents.

Anyway, I told ma that if I wanted an adventure, I'd join the Navy. She laughed. We've decided it's a blessing in disguise. I'll have a private space, it will be warm, fairly inexpensive, and I can save up some money and get ahead. Awesome. Downside, no internet at home or cable, but I don't have cable now, and I can always hook up my tv and vcr/dvd player.

So we're covering the pros and cons of this "adventure", my mother and I.

Pros:
Warm
Private
Inexpensive
Can still cook, shower, and sleep comfortably
Closer to work; gas savings
I have internet at work if I really need to get to it

And of course... there's always the Cons:

Dating will be a bit of a bummer. It's not like I can have them come pick me up.

"Um, yea, just head out to Huggy Bear, take the first drive, 4th one in on the left. You'll see the jeep, the gnome, and the string of colored lights. If you get to the camper with the pink flamingo, you've gone too far."

More like, "I'll meet you there."

Entertaining friends might be a bit difficult. I mean, I can make it homey and comfortable, but really, how difficult will it be in that close quarters?

"Come on over, we're hangin' at the crib tonight, playin' some cards. I'll sit on the bed, someone can sit on each bench, and I'll put a board across the stove so we'll have four seats."

Can't wait to show my boss and his wife.

"Come on over and check out what I've done with the pad."

Heh.

Holidays are coming. I have a 7 foot tree that I love to put up and I will not be able to this year. Although, my mother reminded me that a lot of times the benches open up for storage. Cool. I can open it up, put the base in there and set the branches up over the top of the bench. Might be a bit crowded when the kids come to visit, but hey, we make do with what we have.

You might be a redneck if you set your Christmas tree up in the bench of your kickin' camper crib...

OMG. I won't even qualify as trailer trash. *sob*

Hmmm.... camper conneisseur? camper queen? that's it! I'll be a camper queen! I'll be the classiest camper queen E-vah! I'll only live on the good side of the campground. Yeeeaaa. Uh-huh. *snap* pssht. No problem.

*sigh*

Off to pack... I wonder if I'll be able to fit my curling iron AND my crock pot in there?

Movin' On...

2007-09-25T21:35:00.000-05:00

Well, the time has come. Junior is staying with Pickle's grandparents for the time being. That was one of the most difficult phone calls I've had to make.

"K?"
"Yes?"
"It's Miss B. I have a favor to ask."
"Yes." Sounding apprehensive.

"You know I wouldn't ask for anything unless I'm desperate. Can Junior stay with you for a couple months until I can find another place? She's really liking school, and I don't want her to have any interruptions. She needs to go to college."

"She's always welcome here; we've told her if she needed a place to stay she can."

These are the people who connived and kept my younger daughter from living with me. They also tried to get Junior taken from me when she was young because I didn't agree with them about their son. Water under the bridge and all, but the scars still run deep. I will never trust them completely myself again, but they have been good to Junior over the years. She'll see her sister more and hopefully mend the fences from the feud they've been in. I'm not very proud of Pickle right now. She's turned her back on her family for a boy. I suppose we all did at 17. Her painful lessons are about to begin.

Anyhow, Junior will be away from the influences of this town, around people she knows and trusts, and able to continue school. I know she will have food and heat; she will be safe. She will be closer to her classes, so she won't be on the road as long. This will be helpful when the snow flies.

We are packing this week. Everything except my clothes, makeup and my school books are going into storage. We're done. I can no longer afford to be in this place, don't have the means to get another, and I already have 2 jobs - I can't work any more than I do. My main job has a shower area that I can use. I can sleep in the jeep at night in the lot, and on the weekends I'll get a room for a night so I can get at least one good night's sleep. At least I know I won't have to worry about the kids. Then when I catch up, I can find another place.

I'll still be able to do my school work after hours at the office. Hopefully I'll be able to keep up with it.

I hate moving. I have moved 27 times in the last 23 years. I especially hate moving when I have nowhere to go. I'd have made a perfect military wife. I didn't want to move again unless I got married. Well, maybe NEXT time.

Tonight I watched my daughter pack. We talked for awhile and sat on the couch. She's worried about where I will go. I told her I'd be fine. She told me that if I have to sleep in my truck, she's not going. Silly girl. Like I'm going to tell her. I assured her I'd find a place. We snuggled for a bit and both dozed off; this time it was me curled up next to her.

She's in bed and I'm figuring out what I'm going to do. I don't know where I'll be after this weekend. I only know one day at a time now.

Til we meet again...
peace

*hugs*
Miss B

Lessons Learned

2007-09-23T22:25:00.000-05:00

5am - *cell phone rings*

"hello?"
"mommy?"
"yea?"
"help me."
"what's wrong?"
*incoherent bawling and non-sensical screaming*
"junior, i can't understand you... stop."
*more crying and indistinguishable words*
"listen to me. i need you to stop, breathe, and talk so I can understand what you're saying. are you ok?"
"no"
"were you in an accident?"
"no"
"where are you?"
"i'm walking"
"where?"
"I don't know."
"where's your car?"
"i don't know."
"i need you to look around and tell me what's around you."

This is to what I woke up this morning. These are not the kinds of phone calls I like this early in the morning. Being woke up from a dead sleep to the sound of your child shrieking and upset is a hell of a way to start the day.

Fortunately, I am well-schooled in Junior-psychobabble. She tends to freak out when she gets really scared or really mad. Unfortunately, I'm the one she calls to freak out on.

I finally got her to tell me where she was and what happened. She was partying with friends, and during the course of the night, she was robbed. She had just got paid, and the bank was closed, so she had several hundred dollars in her purse. She put it in her friend's aunt's car trunk where she thought it would be safe. The aunt took some of the others home, and sometime during her several-stop rounds, someone took the keys, got into the trunk and stole her money. She wasn't the only one robbed; another woman (the grandmother) lost a couple hundred, and some cell phones were taken.

So I pick her up. She's walking down the street in jeans, a tank top, and flippy shoes. No jacket; it's fairly chilly. She was a drunken mess. I get her into the jeep and she loses it again. Finally, I understand what's happened. Oh she's really something when she's upset. Add liquored up, and she's impossible.

I get her home, she's still crying and upset. This was the money she was going to give me for rent (yes she pays it) and her cell phone bill. She doesn't understand why people would do that to her; she wouldn't do that, has always worked for her money, and worked hard. And she's pretty much narrowed it down to the group of friends that she's been hanging out with for the last four years. So she's upset, and heart-broken at the same time. Along with that, the fellow she's been "going out" with walked out on her last night because she was upset and told her he couldn't deal with her like that. He called her later and started lecturing her on carrying money around and some other stuff I couldn't make out. I only heard the tone of voice in which he was speaking to her; I was not impressed.

I got her home and calmed down. She sat on the couch with me for awhile, like she was three again. We napped for awhile.

We got up later and went to find her car, go to the store and do some stuff around the house. She was feeling pretty bad yet, and was still upset. We talked; I tried to not lecture. She made some decisions and learned some pretty tough lessons today.

She knows her "friends" are not. They are "gangsta" wannabe hoodrats who do nothing but party and waste time. She is done with them. As she says, why should she hang with people who would be so shady to her?

She wants to not be in this town anymore. She finds nothing but trouble here, and she knows it.

She has to stop drinking. She keeps putting herself in places she doesn't need to be and is lucky she's not been hurt. She knows she has a problem. We've had this battle before. She gets it from her father.

She understands that yes, it was a fair bit of money, but she was fortunate. They didn't take her id, ss card, keys, or car. I finally got her to see that they could have messed with her credit, used the keys to break into our home, or stolen her car. They did it without harming her. She could have been raped, or killed.

Tonight she's better; this afternoon she was walking around like she was old and demented, with much regression to younger years and acting helpless. I tried to let her know that yes, she was a victim of a crime, but she does not need to remain a victim. I know it's hard; it fucks with your head.

I gave her money to fill up her car so she can get back and forth to work and school this week 'til she gets paid again. I bought her lunch stuff for this week, and we got some food for the house. She usually pays for her own; she's actually quite responsible about some things. It took about everything I made at the bar this weekend, but we didn't have much here but peanut butter and macaroni.

Before I left for work this afternoon, she gave me a hug and told me she was glad I heard the phone and answered it this morning. I said, "Who's your mom?" She said, "You are." "Who loves ya?" "You do." "Just remember that."

I hate the fact that this will begin her transition to grown-up life, and the realization that the world is not good, kind, and fair. She will lose that innocence and trust. *sigh*

So this week, we'll look at some other place to be and move on with life. Just like we always do.

Bright Spots

2007-09-22T11:01:00.000-05:00

Today my new laptop keypad came in the mail. Woo hoo! More importantly, I looked halfway decent when the HMG (Hottie Mail Guy) came to deliver it to my door. Who knew I had such a good-looking mailman? *mental note* have lots of stuff to send and receive on Saturdays at 1130.

Now I have to take it into work and have the CBNHITFEG change it out for me. Normally I would be a bit apprehensive about this because we have a fairly rocky history. He's from a middle eastern country and we have had heated discussions about men and women. And of course, with this week's debacle of stupidity with the whole driver appreciation shit in which he participated the first day, he has not been high on my list of people to talk to, ever.

BUT this week he is acting different. Wednesday when it finally blew up at work, he was very quiet. The morning he spent ignoring me (of course, I WAS very foul and probably projected a "don't fuck with me or I will take great pleasure in beating the ever-living shit out of you" vibe) and later he stopped by to investigate my laptop. (I had taken it in to see if the maintenance guys could fix it - at least the 2 of the 5 keys I recovered from Junior's little babysitting escapade.) He showed me how the pieces fit back together and showed me where I could get a replacement board for less than it would cost to fix. (Most of this I know - degree in computer science/programming/networking, owned my own retail/repair shop for a few years.) I just find that if I play dumb sometimes, men relate better with me. Go figure. Later, he sat down in one of the chairs in front of my desk to read some paperwork. (His desk is directly behind me on the other side of a wall.) I was clicking through pages on my computer and he made a comment about me clicking so much. *raise eyebrow* I'm WORKing. Someone called him to help them and he left. A little while later, he came back and did the same. This time, I looked at him and asked if I could type something, or would it bother him and should I find something else to do? He just looked at me and said I could do whatever I wanted to, he was just reading. Then my boss - who sits across the room from me - made a point of saying that he could read that ANYWHERE in the office. (Is it me, or do I sense some sort of territorial guy thing going on?) I just continued working and he sat there for a while 'til someone else needed his help. I can't quite put my finger on it, because he didn't say anything. He just sat there quietly. It seemed as though he were watching over me. And he's being NICE. WTF is up with that??! He actually looked at my math homework with me and explained some things.

Yesterday, before I left work, I changed clothes (I had on a skirt), put my hair up, and was freshening my lip-liner/gloss at my desk about the time everyone was leaving. I had my little mirror up in front of me and was tracing my lips when I felt very odd. I look up to see CBNHITFEG watching me intensely. I moved the mirror over in front of me where he couldn't see. He asked if I had a hot date that night... told him no, I had to bartend because the owners were on vacation. Normally I don't on Friday. I cannot describe the expression on his face. Very weird.

Anyhow... back to the weekend. Busy night at the bar, but good over all. Back in today to waitress. Yay. I don't mind it, the tips are usually good. I just prefer my comfort zone.

And THEN... the best part... I have been stamped by Captain Smack!!! (Doesn't that just sound deliciously naughty? A girl could only dream!) Thanks, Captain... oily naked twister, my place, 2230... bring the wine. *wink* MAYBE if you're nice... we'll get Steph to come over too! I hear she falls down a lot, so naked twister with her ought to be a hoot!

Off to watch the MI-Penn State game (GO BLUE!!!) and bartend (I love working in a family-sports type bar/restaurant!) Enjoy your weekend!

Miss Behavin - Behavin as Usual

The Mortality of Life... 2

The Mortality of Life

First Misstep on the road to me...

Next Steps in the Journey to Me

life, continued...

Guess what I got for my birthday???

Doin' the Charleston...

Perfect

file another one under lost weekends...

Mercy

Sweetness...

a little peace...

A True Friend...

surprisingly tacky, yet unrefined...

911 Upgrade

vd at its finest...

Bailout

Waves in the Bathtub

~*~ jolly holidays ~*~

The Lowdown...

Hiatus

what is wrong with this place?

help! i've fallen...

ugh

wedged in between the rock and the hard place...

it's official... i'm a dork

Where Was I?

blurb

Back to good...

The Night Before Court...

Sweet Surprises

Daddy Dearest...

Guraj Sayl Kween R I...

A Pinch of This; A Dash of That

Life is a Journey...

ode to a pubic hair

Today I'm Seven...

times like these...

time in a bottle...

PS... I Love You

Slapped in the face with the truth...

Why Old(er) Women do not wear Thongs...

the greatest night ever...

weekend plans...

let it be

Why I love the men on dating sites...

memorable days...

and once again, miss b is a dumbass...

weekend madness...

I'm so in the wrong profession...

He Hit Her

Hard Day's Night

Isn't she lovely...

happiness is...

More stupidity...

and last summer, at band camp...

Catch-Up

is it working?

moms say the darndest things...

cleaning in the nude...

happy birthday to me...

What? Huh? Where am I?

a walk through my childhood... oh, and fast forward to old frickin' age

Happy VD...

Get your shit together, girl...

Lent it begin...

Add another to the "what the fuck did I see in him?" column...

brrrrrrr

Because you are my friend...

After Christmas...

Amusingly Aggravating

Reflections on a Midnight Clear...

remember this at Christmas time...

ATTENTION!!! ALIENS ARE COMING...

But I DO still believe...

Pukin' Turkeys, Stupid Shoppers and Kickin' Bass Players

Top 21 -- Most Depressing Jobs

el quesadilla está libre!!!

A Veteran's Day letter to my Heroes...

~~ jolly holidays ~~